From: Flog Sonata To: All Msg #173, 17-Sep-92 10:28am Subject: Slippin' out of the primordial ooze... Flog made his way down to the sub-sub-sub basement, in hopes of finding the insane, drug ridden, highly illegal, highly immoral den of swinery. A large burly skinhead stood at the door, obscenely fondling his own genitals. "Wadda ya want?" grunted the skinhead. "I want in," Flog spat. "Tough shit, fuck for brains." "I'm Flog Fucking Sonata, asswipe." "I don't care if yer the pope's left tit, you don't get in without paying." "Oh, why didn't you say so, you annoying little shaved baby bottom?" Being called a "baby-bottom" was too much for the skinhead bouncer. He burst into tears. Flog slipped by without paying. The music was loud, painful, and grating. Flog liked it. Hugh was on the "dance floor", if you can call a pitful of people smashing into each other, trying to inflict as much pain as possible, a dance floor. The small, wispy blonde woman Hugh had mentioned a few messages earlier had just told Hugh that she'd really like to be friends. Good friends. The kind of friends that don't ever have sex. So Hugh was "dancing" by throwing himself at very large, ugly people with shaved heads and anarchy symbols tattooed into their skulls Possibly not tattooed, but carved in with a razor blade. Same difference. Hugh was screaming "Big skinhead faggot!" at them, hoping they'd pick him up and tear him in half, but no one could hear him over the pounding, throbbing, beating music. Everyone in the room, 5 years later, would have quite a nasty hearing problem, let me tell you. Flog waltzed over to Hugh, slipping through the crowd, trying not to get stepped on by some doc marten wearing goon. "Hugh," Flog said, slapping Hugh on the back. "Skinhead faggot!" Hugh screamed, "Oh, it's you Flog." "Yeah." "I'm trying to kill myself." "Having a good time?" "I want to die." "Nice weather eh?" "Kill me." Neither of them could hear the other. Any conversation became pointless, albeit slightly more interesting than a normal conversation, when viewed from an omniscent narrator like me: "I'm gonna go upstairs, wanna go?" Flog yelled. "Naw, I'm gonna go upstairs," Hugh said. "Well, I'll see ya later." "I guess I'll see you later then." They both left at the same time. Meanwhile, Cadomark was naked in a field for reasons I don't quite understand, unless I read what he wrote wrong, and he's in fact, somewhere else, possibly with the big evil man and the janitor guy, doing nasty things to goldfish and kittens. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 From: Flog Sonata To: All Msg #174, 17-Sep-92 10:44am Subject: Sometimes you just gotta say "What, the duck?" Hugh and Flog went upstairs. "I thought you were staying downstairs?" Hugh said. "What?" Flog's ears were ringing, twice their normal size, and noticeably blue. "What?" Hugh said. "What?" Flog said. And so on. Meanwhile, Flipper was pining for a woman. Not really a woman, but a dolphin woman. A woman with a dolphin, maybe, although the dolphin would have to be female as well, and the woman would have to be open minded. A dolphin penis is about the size of a human finger, so he probably wouldn't be able to satisfy a female human, (let alone a male human), but his penis was considered quite large for your standard dolphin. Perhaps it was the penis extender he'd bought in the lobby, from a seedy man in a trench coat, that looked suspiciously like Bob Rae. Meanwhile, the narrator notes that the plot line about Crass having disapeared, and Peter Lake searching for Crass, had been dropped like a stone. Where was Crass? ********************************************************* "And so that's why we can't see each other anymore," Crass said. "Oh, I understand," said the woman, proceeding to load a crossbow. "I'm so glad you're taking it so well." "Could you stand still for a moment?" "Uh, sure," Crass said, and was rewarded with a cross-bow bolt slamming through his left eye, directly into his brain. The woman left, assuming Crass was dead, or would die, but the bolt had gone in in such a way that his pain centers had been annihilated, so he didn't hurt at all. He just sort of noticed he had something in his eye. He rubbed at his eye, and noticed there was some sort of obstruction in it. But enough about Crass. He never reads this area, he never calls the board, so fuck him. Meanwhile, the narrator continues to wonder wht in God's name Cadomark is doing naked in a field. I mean, what the hell? Some sort of fever dream thing? Was he drugged? Did it have something to do with the dolphin doctor? Meanwhile, Flog and Hugh regained their hearing and made their way to the bar. Hugh ordered a large, flaming, drink about four feet tall, with enough alcohol to stun a rhino. Flog ordered a tiny pink drink with an umbrella in it. LSd slinked up, still wearing the green dress from God. "Bartender," LSd yelled, "gimme something with gin, lemon juice, and soda water." The bartender complied. "So Hugh," LSd coughed, "found a woman yet?" Hugh dived into his four foot flaming drink and sank to the bottom. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: DO do do-do do do do DO -- James Bond take two. (1:163/290.0) From: Crass Nirvana Rec'd To: Flog Sonata Msg #175, 17-Sep-92 11:48pm Subject: Why doesn't anyone talk about Zambonies anymore? Crass rubbed roughly at his left eye, then his right eye. NE thought for a moment that he had missed something important, so he rubbed at his left eye again. Flesh, bone, flesh, eyebrow, aluminum shaft, blood. Hmm, something was apaprently amiss. He sat up slowly from the growing pool of blood. "Well, I'm certaintly glad THAT'S over with. And to think I thought she wasn't going to take it well." He dusted off his coat and sat up with a jerk. Suddenly, an amazing realization struck him like a brich falling from Skylab. He didn't know where the hell he was. He was lost, aimlessly wandering the dark, chaotic lands of literary limbo. He'd been lost, forgotten, cast off at the hands of all those other writers. He began to feel sorry for himself, quickly came to grips with the sordid affair and tried to hurl himself out of the limbo. Suddenly, (I like that word), a voice echoed through the emptiness. "If you build it, he will come." Crass looked wonderstruck. If Flog had been anywhere near him he would have said "You're fucked Crass, you've been watching too many stupid baseball movies again, haven't you?". But, of course, Flog was nowhere near him, so Crass didn't hear anything. Not that he would listen to Flog anyhow. Ahem Crass sat down again, slowly making a new wet, bloody spot on the ground some ten metres away from the previous spot which was now obscured by the mistyness of literary loss. He toyed idly with the crossbow bolt in his eye socket, wondering if the tip would actually grind a hole right through if he kept turning it. He flicked at the fletching of the arrows with his fingers, admiring the work of them. It was admirable. He idly noticed a small black insect dangling in mid air in front of him. He instinctively jerked his head back. The insect followed closely. "what the fuck are you doing?" the spider screeched. "Uhh, sorry." Crass replied automatically. "Whoa, talking spiders. It's been a while since I've hallucinated. And this one is natural too. Wow." "Shut, up, you big ape. I am not a hallucination. I am merely a figment of your imagination that you are eventually going to use as a bridge back into the literary world." "Oh, cool! I'm pretty smart, huh?" Crass massaged his temples. "But, couldn't I have just said 'Well, I'm back in the story, so there, nyah!' to them. Wouldn't that have worked?" The spider thought about it for a moment, idly scratching it's antennae. "I suppose that would work too. But, the ramifications..." "Well, I guess I don't need you then, huh?" Crass wiped the spider entrails from the bottom of his boots. ********** Seemingly only moments later ********** The main entrance of the casino lay in front of him, it's glittering, flashing, beckoning doors just crying out for adjectives and guests alike to enter. Crass straightened his clothes, adjusted his hat and tugged the crossbow bolt to a more jaunty, rakish angle and stepped into the casino. The bar lay to one side, and Crass dashed for it, knowing that he would be missed and people would come and faun over him because he was such a popular guy. He sat at one of the stools, waiting for someone to notice him and comment on his new look. A girl strolled by selling cigarettes. "Hey baby, wanna stroke my arrow?" Crass said amiably. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: Do wa diddy diddy dum diddy doo --NOT J. Bond. (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 254 290 305 405 410 518 243/9 From: Metal Rob To: Fellow dwunks... Msg #176, 18-Sep-92 12:46am Subject: Did someone say, "B&B"? Rob was getting drunk quite fast. He decided to tour the casino and see where he could find drinks in an emergency. Rob went to the door of his lavish apartment, and commanded the door to open, which it did. (ain't technology wonderful?). The paint on the walls in the hallway immediately started to blister and melt, since Metal had not turned off the stereo yet. Light bulbs shattered, carpets got shagged, etc. Anyways, the door closed after he left, so that isn't important. He went to the elevator and managed to cram himself and 20 or so SpaceBabes into the it. It was very cramped. Rob's face was crammed up against a babes...er, um, *huge* tracts of land, all the way down to the bottom floor. He found a nice quiet bar with lots of bald persons in it. He saw Hugh and Flog going upstairs together. "Fuckin' A place to hang out, eh dudettes?" Metal said. "Giggle!" said the 20 or so girls. "Lemmee see what they got here" he yelled, just to be heard. (as if anyone was listening, absurd). HE grabbed a whole lotta Black Russian's and downed the lot."Therr, muk bedder" he drawled. He then grabbed some titty, screaming something about 'cup size Metal said. "Giggle!" said the 20 or so girls. "Lemmee see what they got here" he yelled, just to be heard. (as if anyone was listening, absurd). HE grabbed a whole lotta Black Russian's and downed the lot."Therr, muk bedder" he drawled. He then grabbed some titty, screaming something about 'cup size inspections'. Truely, back to his old self. He then crawled under a table...... ...and passed out. --- Blckrssn 1.1 * Origin: ....Specializing in SpaceBus tuneups....and tires (1:163/310) SEEN-BY: 163/135 150 166 207 215 222 227 254 266 277 290 305 310 401 405 SEEN-BY: 163/410 411 469 518 243/5 9 [176] Lastest: 176 Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here ECHOMAIL: [A C D N E R = L I M G F U ?]: From: Flipper To: Freud Msg #177, 19-Sep-92 05:04am Subject: what do you make of this? Flipper sat dejectedly in his waterbed, alone. His search for a companion had failed miserably. It had gotten to the point where he felt brave enough to approach a stranger, which he did in one of the many bars in the casino. He found a pretty brunette and sat down next to her. 'Hello,' he had said, somewhat nervously. 'Hello,' she smiled back at him. Flipper waited around for some time, not sure what to say next, and hoping she might continue to conversation. When she didn't, he sighed and left. His last ditch effort had been to try a phone-sex line. He dialed the number, then asked the husky voice if she would be a dolphin for him. "Honey," she had said, "I'll do anything you want." This had excited Flipper a fair deal, and he began squeaking and squawking in his standard cetecean manner. The woman on the line hung up. Now there seemed to be nothing left. Flipper stared dejectedly at the ceiling, the walls, and the clock on the bedside table. He made about 3 passes a minute...he had timed it. He wondered if it might be different to go in the reverse order, that is, the clock, walls and ceiling. Finally Flipper got up and left the room, dragging his tail through the as-yet uncleaned broken glass from his mirror, hoping to injure himself. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: Do wa diddy diddy dum diddy doo --NOT J. Bond. (1:163/290.0) [177] Lastest: 179. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here ECHOMAIL: [A C D N E R = L I M G F U ?]: From: Flipper To: Juliet Msg #178, 19-Sep-92 05:12am Subject: wherefore art thou?? Flipper went down to the main level of the casino, and then began to wander aimlessly. He paid very little attention to where he was going, and didn't really care. After some time he noticed a sign on the wall, pointing to a small office, labelled 'On-Site Psychiatrist'. Flipper paused for thought. "Shrinks can help with social problems, can't they? Maybe this guy can help me out!" Flipper knocked on the door. "It's worth a try, anyhow." The door was opened by a withered old man with white hair standing out in all directions. Though wrinkled, he stood tall. "Yes...?" he began. "I'm here for help," said Flipper. "Can you help me with a problem I have? Or do I need an appointment?" The old man's face lit up. "Of course! Come in, come in!! You are the first patient I've had since I started here! So many people, they would rather go to the bartenders with their problems! And me, university degree and all! I'm trained to help people! And they go to uneducated barkeeps! It burns me up!!" Flipper stepped back a bit at the outburst. "uh, maybe this is a bad time?" he began. "No, no! Come in! I didn't mean to frighten you! It's just so many people need my help so badly, and they don't come in! But you! You are smart enough to see your problem!" He took Flipper by the fin and led him inside, where a stereotypical couch sat beside an overstuffed chair. "You lay down on the chair, and I will help you with ALL your problems! (Not like those uneducated bartenders...)" Flipper layed down, pleased at how the couch was soft enough to aborb his dorsal fin painlessly. He gazed serenly at the ceiling. "Now what seems to be the problem?" asked the doctor. "Well, I'm a dolphin, and I'm having real problems adjusting to the human world." "Ah yes! Yes! That is a real problem! Very common too! But we can help!" "Common?" asked Flipper. "You mean there are more like me?" "Of course! Some, they think they are dogs, or cats, and some they think they are famous people, but it is very easy to cure these delusions." Flipper sat up, slightly annoyed. "DELUSION?" he asked. "LOOK at me! I AM a dolphin!" "Now, now, settle down. If you don't behave, I can't help you, right? Now how long have you thought you were a dolphin?" "I AM a dolphin! I have been ever since I was a CALF! I will be till the day I DIE! Can't you tell that by looking at me???" The shrink shook his head sadly at Flipper. "The first thing you must do is realize you are not a dolphin. If I reinforce your delusion, I can never cure you." --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: Do wa diddy diddy dum diddy doo --NOT J. Bond. (1:163/290.0) From: Flipper To: Doctor Frudd Msg #179, 19-Sep-92 05:26am Subject: But I *AM* a dolphin! Flipper stood up. "I've never heard such garbage!" he screamed. "If you don't know a dolphin when you see one, then you are of no use to me!" He stormed to the door and went to open it. It was locked. "LET ME OUT OF HERE!" screamed Flipper. The doctor shook his head again. "Very bad," he said, making a note in his notepad. "I can't let you leave until today's session is over," he said. Flipper lunged angrily at the man, knocking his chair over and sending the notebook flying. He pinned the man's shoulders to the ground with his flippers and stuck his snout in front of the man's face. "Look at me!" he commanded. "I am a dolphin! Get it through your head!!" "These outbursts must cease," said the doctor calmly. He pressed a small button on a chain around his neck. Suddenly a hidden door burst open, and before he knew what was happening two large muscular men had grabbed Flipper and forced him into a straightjacket. Flipper, remembering his last experience with large men, freaked out. He struggled and fought, leaping around the room. His dorsal fin hurt from being bent to fit in the jacket. He lept off the couch and smacked one of the men with his tail, sending the man across the room. With no way to balance himself, Flipper tumbled to the floor and lay writhing, trying to get up. "Hold still," said the doctor, injecting a syringe into Flipper's tail. Suddenly Flipper felt very calm and peaceful. He rested. "Put him away," the doctor instructed the men. The one Flipper hit got up off the floor, shaking his head sadly. The doctor looked at Flipper. "I hope we won't have a reoccurane of this tommorrow?" he asked. Flipper, completely agreeable, nodded as the two men picked him up. The one Flipper hit leaned over and whispered, "You shouldn't fight...we're only here to help you." Then they carried Flipper off. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: Do wa diddy diddy dum diddy doo --NOT J. Bond. (1:163/290.0) [179] Lastest: 179 From: Lady Stardust-Sonata To: Wicked Uncle Richard Msg #180, 25-Sep-92 10:10pm Subject: more brave than me:more blond than you Unaware that Crass had returned to the casino, Peter Lake continued the search. He discovered many things: Sarah Ferguson's bikini top, the Watergate tapes, a good man, a hard man, a damp woman liaising between the two, Woody Allen's sperm costume, Lady Stardust's virginity, (interestingly enough, the two were in the same place) the 45 seconds from Basic Instinct, a used merkin, Dan Quayle's chin, how to make love stay, who wrote the book of love, and a partridge in a pear tree. But he did not find Crass, because Crass had gone home. He found Crass's ex-woman, and thought about consoling her, but realized he didn't have any condoms. Besides that, he'd heard she had a *grip* like a vise. He sighed, and pressed on. Presently, he was in the basement of a damp stone building. He tried looking out a window, but the fog was too thick to let him see much of anything. He tiptoed down the hall, thought he heard someone coming, and ducked into a room, wherein he collided with, according to the protuberances, a woman. "Oh!" said the woman in a dulcet, cultured voice. "Oh!" said Peter Lake, with an Amerirish accent. "I was getting into bed," said the woman. "I'm sorry," said Peter, straining to see if he should offer to join her. "I'm avoiding my husband, you see," she continued. "We're not on very good terms right now." "Oh," said Peter. "Would you like some company?" The resultant low giggle seemed enough invitation, and he stripped off all his clothes. * * * Cadomark was shuffling around the casino, looking annoyed. He'd lost all his ready cash to Hugh Jardon in a *spitting* contest, and he couldn't get any more until Monday because of some sort of clerical problem. He couldn't wait until Monday, he had *urges*. Then he pricked up his ears, hearing two seedy looking men say the words "Lotta cash" and "Should we hire some more?" He shuffled a little more quickly, over to the two men, saying "Hey, hire me!" The men looked him over, and smiled. "Sure, you look perfect for the job. Do you have your own gear?" "No.." said Cadomark dejectedly, and then brightened. "I have lots of credit, though, I can get my own." --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: Do wa diddy diddy dum diddy doo --NOT J. Bond. (1:163/290.0) From: Lady Stardust-Sonata Rec'd To: Flipper Msg #181, 25-Sep-92 10:29pm Subject: ReVENGE! "Great," said the man, who was evidently the spokesman for the group. "This is top secret, though, it's... uh.. well, unorthodox." "You mean more illegal than sodomizing a stuffed donkey in Texas?" suggested Cadomark. "Yeah," said the second man, a different, more *hungering* expression coming into his eyes. "The penalty for that one, whoa." "Okay," said Cadomark brightly, cleverly hiding his discomfort. The second man put a warm hand on Cadomark's shoulder. "We'll be back for you soon." Then they went away. Cadomark did a little victory dance and sent a bellboy off to buy him some "gear, the kind those two gentlemen were talking about". The bellboy looked at him strangely, but complied, and soon returned with a pink spandex suit and a neon yellow helmet. Cadomark struggled into them, right where he was, and became confused. It fit like a wetsuit with a helmet, except for this weird tube that seemed to want to fit, well, somewhere *very strange*, and anyhow, it seemed a little too big to fit *there*. He left the tube pressed up against his backside, sticking out like a partially absorbed tail. Soon, the two men returned. "Oh," said the second one, smiling ferally, "you haven't got your suit on properly, and you'll need this padding." Deftly, he pushed the tube in *somewhere*, to Cadomark's *discomfiture* and adjusted some padding onto the knees and elbows. The three of them hurried off to a back room, Cadomark more slowly than the other two, being unused to the sensation of feeling sodomized. After going through a maze of tunnels and doors, they emerged into a large, dimly lit arena-esque room. There were five others dressed similarly to Cadomark standing at one end of the room, and there were six men, naked from the waist down, standing across from the men in spandex. "Just go take your place over there," the men said, leaving. Cadomark waddled over to the spandex men, all of whom were fairly small and short. "Uh," he whispered to one of them, "I'm not familiar with this set- up..." "Oh, it's easy," the dwarf responded. "Just aim for the erection, otherwise you'll probably get uncomfortable. Oh, there's the KY man, bend over." --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: Do wa diddy diddy dum diddy doo --NOT J. Bond. (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 254 290 305 405 518 [181] Lastest: 183. Press ENTER for NEXT msg. Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here ECHOMAIL: [A C D N E R = L I M G F U ?]: From: Lady Stardust-Sonata Rec'd To: Cadomark Msg #182, 25-Sep-92 10:45pm Subject: what goes around... "AIM FOR THE ERECTIONS?" Cadomark squeaked in horror, as a large burly man squirted KY into his rectum. "WHADDYA MEAN, AIM FOR THE ERECTIONS?" * * * "Mm," said the woman, when they woke up the next morning. "Have you ever thought of marriage?" "Only to one woman," said Peter Lake truthfully. "Could I be that woman?" she asked, reaching up and turning on the light. Peter Lake's eyes widened and his throat froze. "Your Majesty," he whispered. From: Lady Stardust-Sonata To: Flog Sonata Msg #183, 26-Sep-92 11:37am Subject: fingertips The narrator's fiance looked confused. "Hey, didn't you discourage that kinda stuff waay back when?" "What stuff?" asked the narrator edgily, taking off her pants. "That kind of disgusting stuff, sodomy and whatnot." "Shuddup," she grumbled. "You did, didn't you?" the fiance persisted. "You made me be civilized." "Well... didn't Cadomark make Flipped get raped and killed?" whined the narrator. "So what?" said the fiance. "You're in charge here, get a grip on yourself." "Buh," said the narrator, and went off to sulk on the sofa. "I love you," said the fiance, hopefully, from the bedroom. "Well, I love you," said the narrator argumentatively. "You're right." * * * Cadomark woke up the next day, lying on his stomach in the hot tub, and his whole back was really sore for no apparent reason. * * * "Is that better?" said the narrator. "Sure," said the fiance. The narrator went back into the bedroom and climbed into bed. * * * Meanwhile, the Queen was about to become the latest in a long string of liberated royalty. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: Do wa diddy diddy dum diddy doo --NOT J. Bond. (1:163/290.0) SEEN-BY: 163/135 207 254 290 305 405 518 [183] Lastest: 183 Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here ECHOMAIL: [A C D N E R = L I M G F U ?]: From: Flipper To: Lady Stardust-Sonata Msg #184, 27-Sep-92 01:04am Subject: "...is better than Christmas!" Cadomark exited the hottub room, and walked into the hall, groaning somewhat with the pain in his back and holding a towel around his waist. Flipper 'moved' past him in the hall, staring blankly ahead. "Er...hi there Flip," said Cadomark. "How are things in the dolphin world?" Flipper stopped, and slowly turned on the spot to face Cadomark. He looked Cadomark up and down, then stated an in even monotone, "I am not a dolphin." Cadomark stood back, somewhat shocked. He peered a Flipper's snout, examined his flippers, and studied his dorsal fin before facing Flipper again. "Are you sure?" he asked. "I am not a dolphin," repeated Flipper, staring straight ahead. "That was a delusion. You really should get yourself some help." He turned slowly and continued walking down the hall. Cadomark stared after him for a moment, then shrugged and continued on his own way. *** Inside Flipper's mind a thousand thoughts were battling for supremacy. The main opponents consisted of logic, reason, and the shrink's programming. Currently the shrink had control, thus Flipper believed himself human, and thus "cured". It took a lot of intensive therapy, and the doctor immediately wrote a lot of medical papers and earned enough fame to leave the casino, but Flipper wasn't concerned about that...he was "normal". Logic and reason had decided to team up against 'shrink', yet despite attack after attack, they hit nothing but solid mental blocks. in desperation, the commander of Reason called a temporary retreat for re-planning. "There has to be an easier way..." he said. "Not necessarily," stated the commander of Logic. "If the programming is as complete as it seems, it may take quite a bit to regain control." *** Meanwhile, oblivious to anything but his new-found "normality", Flipper mingled with the patrons of the bar. --- Opus-CBCS 1.14 * Origin: Quarter to is a good time, hmm, yum yum yum. (1:163/290.0) [184] Lastest: 184 Echo area 24 ... Flog and LSd *Come* Here ECHOMAIL: [A C D N E R = L I M G F U ?]: ***Death's Casino appears to be over...due to a hard drive failure on the ***host BBS system. 30 Sep 92 ***"The hard drive was spitting up blood" =================================================== harmlesslion.com - Not for Commercial Use