Three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on. -Robert Frost * The faculty hasn't had enough experience for there to be an experience factor. -Jim Campbell * Eraserhead: Imagine a race of beings, with infinitely vast intellects, infinitely fast thinking, and utterly perfect memories... Flipper: ... so how would they kill time on a bus? * If you want to know how I run a government, then vote me in, and then ask me -Jean Cretien, running for Prime Minister of Canada [historial note: he won] * The election is not a time to discuss serious issues. -Kim Campbell, Prime Minister of Canada [historical note: she lost] * My [third year university calculus] teacher demonstrated that one using numbers with teeth. I love when he does that. -Murgatroid Clumditch's biology lab partner. * Classical Conditioning is just drooling. -Flog Sonata * I recetly lost my access code. Its more like I forgot it! I can prouye Aww#$%^(#!#IT!!!!! GIVE ME ANEW ACCESS PASSWORD and you will be rewarded. However if you do not give me access I will leave... Betrayed....Rejected... Don't do this to me! I can enrich your already great BBS! Give me a whirlSo I forgot a stupid password come on!!!Thank You! -Goblin Lin * The Spirit of Elvis watches over you. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. -Flog's Art History Prof. * Flog: Open your mouth wider, Ferret! Flipper: Flog, your aim really sucks. -Miscellaneous chatter at a movie. * Salmon will jump up waterfalls so that they can spawn. I wouldn't even walk up a flight of stairs for most women. -Flog Sonata * ...then I noticed that I have a pattern of screwy relationships and that if I dated a rock, eventually I'd somehow give myself a concussion with it... -Flog, being smarmy. * They're Spanish fleas, sir, and would never dream of biting an Englishman. -Line outta some movie. * Well, no, I don't actually *like* the guy.. I just want to sleep with him. -Krysi Radmore * Keep your feet on the floor of the swan. Thank you. -Distraught-sounding female attendant at Canada's Wonderland * Explore, clarify, move toward your life purpose, together with other men. Give and receive the support you need to make it happen. -an ad on the back of 'Everyman: a men's journal'. * Hue of Borg wants me. I can tell by the way he sends me messages longer than 80 characters. -Flog or Ferret or somebody * Don't you DARE look at me in that tone of voice! -Peggy Cummings, Murgatroid Clumditch's teacher or something. * That's how I feel, so I can say that, right? -Some first year, talking about something she said in her essay. * Well, it probably beats my meatloaf. -Thrash Strongblade, to Red Vette * When everything seems dark, you've probably got your head up your ass. -Flog, with another dumb-assed quote he made up. * Body language is really important. How important is it? It's so important that most people don't know how important it really is. -Altar Ego telling me all about his trip with an inscrutiable bus driver. * Women don't smell like farts. -Flog Sonata, lost in space after a week of sleep deprivation. * I like signing my name. I'm obssessed by it. -Weirdo in WIM * I like smoking pot. I like reading books. I like hanging out. That's about it. I'm studying theology. -Weirdo in WIM explains his philosophy. * You seem to be a very smart girl. -Weirdo in WIM to a woman that listened to all of his nonsense without running away, because she was stuck in Ottawa for 12 hours and would then catch a bus to Perth and never come back. * Well, for one thing, I find that I no longer win every golf game I play. -George Bush, on life after the presidency. * Just let mommy shoot this one for you... -Overheard at Laser Quest * What the hell is a poo poo head?!?! -Vassago * Imagine if snow wass flammeable... imaginine iff SPLEENS was flammabable! -Pyro * If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm. -Vince Lombardi (1913-1970) * I'm gonna live forever, or die trying. -Dan D'Alessio * He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit. -Unknown * How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? -Woody Allen * If I had been present at creation I would have given some useful hints. -Alfonso the Wise (1221-1284) * He was a wise man who invented God. -Plato (427?-348? B.C.) * It is the final proof of God's omnipotence that he need not exist in order to save us. -Peter De Vries * Man is certainly stark mad. He cannot make a worm, and yet he will be making gods by dozens. -Montaigne (1553-1592) * The chicken probably came before the egg because it is hard to imagine God wanting to sit on an egg. -Unknown * In England there are sixty different religions and only one sauce. -Francesco Caracciolo (1752-1799) * Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer. -Mark Twain (1835-1910) * I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. -Woody Allen * I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. -Charles Schultz * Life is what happens while you're making other plans. -John Lennon (1940-1980) * The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down. -Flip Wilson * I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. -Woody Allen * I wish I was DEAD! ... Well, no, I don't. Not Really. I wish everyone ELSE was dead. -Calvin (Bill Waterson: Calvin and Hobbes) * Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so. -Bertrand Russel(1872-1970) * Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped. -Groucho Marx (1890-1977) * The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get to the office. -Robert Frost (1874-1963) * Nothing is said that has not been said before. -Terence (185-159 B.C.) * I'm in a phone booth at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk. -Unknown * Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. -David Letterman * I was gratified to be able answer promptly. I said I don't know. -Mark Twain (1835-1910) * One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. -Bertrand Russel (1872-1970) * In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards. -Mark Twain (1835-1910) * I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. -Unknown * I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother. -Charles Pierce * The best thing about rain forests is they never suffer from drought. - Vice President Dan Quayle * A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls. - Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988 * Bank failures are caused by depositors who don't deposit enough money to cover losses due to mismanagement. - Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988 * Air travel efficiency would improve if more travellers started going to less popular places. - Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988 * It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. - Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988 * Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. - Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988 * Japan is an important ally of ours. Japan and the United States of the Western industrialized capacity, 60 percent of the GNP, two countries. That's a statement in and of itself. - Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988 * It's rural America. It's where I came from. We always refer to ourselves as real America. Rural America, real America, real, real, America. - Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988 * Republicans have been accused of abandoning the poor. It's the other way around. They never vote for us. - Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988 * Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement.' Not so. No one was fooled. - Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988 * Bobby Knight told me this: 'There is nothing that a good defense cannot beat a better offense.' In other words a good offense wins. - Vice President Dan Quayle comparing the offensive capabilities of the Warsaw Pact with the defensive system of NATO * Why wouldn't an enhanced deterrent, a more stable peace, a better prospect to denying the ones who enter conflict in the first place to have a reduction of offensive systems and an introduction to defensive capability. I believe that is the route this country will eventually go. - Vice President Dan Quayle * Mars is essentially in the same orbit... somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe. - Vice President Dan Quayle * Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is IN the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here. - Vice President Dan Quayle, Hawaii, September 1989 * What a terrible thing to have lost one's mind. Or not to have a mind at all. How true that is. - Vice President Dan Quayle winning friends while speaking to the United Negro College Fund (whose slogan at the time was "A mind is a terrible thing to waste.") * You all look like happy campers to me. Happy campers you are, happy campers you have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you will always be. - Vice President Dan Quayle, to the American Samoans * We expect them [Salvadoran officials] to work toward the elimination of human rights. - Vice President Dan Quayle * El Salvador is a democracy so it's not surprising that there are many voices to be heard here. Yet in my conversations with Salvadorans... I have heard a single voice. - Vice President Dan Quayle * I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy- but that could change. - Vice President Dan Quayle * One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'. - Vice President Dan Quayle * If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure. - Vice President Dan Quayle, to the Phoenix Republican Forum, March 1990 * I'm not going to focus on what I have done in the past what I stand for, what I articulate to the American people. The American people will judge me on what I am saying and what I have done in the last 12 years in the Congress. - Vice President Dan Quayle * We should develop anti-satellite weapons because we could not have prevailed without them in 'Red Storm Rising'. - Vice President Dan Quayle * [I will never have] another Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy, Jimmy Carter, Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy Carter grain embargo. - Vice President Dan Quayle during the Benson debate * Certainly, I know what to do, and when I am Vice President- and I will be- there will be contingency plans under different sets of situations and I tell you what, I'm not going to go out and hold a news conference about it. I'm going to put it in a safe and keep it there! Does that answer your question? - Vice President Dan Quayle when asked what he would do if he assumed the Presidency * Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things. - Vice President Dan Quayle * The real question for 1988 is whether we're going to go forward to tomorrow or past to the- to the back! - Vice President Dan Quayle * Ambiguity error- when something is definitely wrong, or maybe not -Computer Hater's Handbook (glossary) * Block moves- what happens when a hacker rents a house on the street Block copy- there goes the neighborhood -Computer Hater's Handbook (glossary) * Buffer- a nude hacker -Computer Hater's Handbook (glossary) * Computer science-the fastest growing voodoo art course in American colleges and universities -Computer Hater's Handbook (glossary) * Fatal bug- to have a Volkswagen drop on you -Computer Hater's Handbook (glossary) * Memory- the part of a computer where data is placed prior to destruction -Computer Hater's Handbook (glossary) * N- after x, the second most popular number that doesn't mean anything -Computer Hater's Handbook (glossary) * Program- a random accumulation of bugs -Computer Hater's handbook (glossary) * RAM- where most of the bugs are kept ROM- where you put all the bugs that won't fit in RAM -Computer Hater's Handbook (glossary) * Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, humidity, and other controllable variables, a computer will do what it damn well wants to! -Computer Hater's Handbook * 33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai. -How to fail a final exam- Unknown * 7. Engineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual written in Swahili. In 10 minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel is appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision. -"Final Exam" question- Unknown * 8. Political Science There is a red telephone on the desk behind you. Start World War III. Report at length on it's socialogical aspects, if any. -"Final Exam" question- Unknown * 82. Kirk knows 20th Century curses. -"100 reasons why Kirk is better than Picard" (author unknown) * Help! I've risen and I can't get down! -Jesus at a disco * Don't bite my finger, look where I'm pointing! -Random tagline * When I die, I want to go in my sleep, like my grandfather did. Not screaming like the passengers of his car. -unknown * It was rather uninteresting, but I suppose my lack of interest was most of that. -Tursi on the net, explaining himself * I've never met ANYONE like him! Laughing at darren is better than sex! -Feral Ferret * Maybe tomorrow I'll give up procrastination. -Lawrence Wade * Be realistic- Demand the impossible. -Vancouver grafitti * It's easy to quit smoking- I've done it hundreds of times! -Vidi Epson * Regard life for what you have Regard life for what you need Regard life for all that you want because if you don't I'll kill you. - a touching poem by Steve Brent * The poet looked up in the sky And saw something way up high As he tried to see what it was It landed on him crushing his measly existance. -another touching poem by Steve Brent * "So, how many of you think you are real hackers?" -M.Ward "Well, I can crash my own board just by logging in." -E.Schendel (conversation in Voidnet Hacker's echo) * Avoid it like the plauge! I hate it! It tastes like water with the flavour ripped out! -Lawrence Wright, in reference to Miso Soup * Opinions expressed must be mine. Nobody else wants them. -unknown * For my birthday, my old man showed me a picture of a cake. I sat there all day trying to blow out the candles. -Rodney Dangerfield * I wouldn't discuss the colour of ORANGE JUICE with you! -character on British sitcom 'The Young Ones' * I tried them [maxi pads], and I still couldn't run, jump, swim or ride! -Shimrod * F: "Why do we see each other?" G: "It beats being lonely." -Garfield (Jim Davis) * Funny is in the eye of the beholder. -Garfield (Jim Davis) * Life is like a ferrari. It goes too fast. But that's ok, because you can't afford it anyway. -Garfield (Jim Davis) * Kittens are like strings. Every yo-yo wants one. -Garfield (Jim Davis) * I'd kill to be a widow. -Betty Carlton (book title) * Jesus is coming- look busy! -bumper sticker * Are you a hemmoroid? Get off my ass! -Tursi * Might as well buy it now, you'll never go home and make it. -sign in a craft shop * I think I'm going the right way. It's a comforting thought, it pleases me to think it. -Tursi * If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? -unknown * B: "Make a fool outta me, eh?" P: "Eh, I think nature beat me to it." -from a Popeye cartoon * Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you've got it made. -George Burns * Marriage almost always interferes with romance. Any time you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. -Groucho Marx * You haven't lived until you have made love to a schoolteacher. Who else makes you do it over and over again until you get it right? -George Burns * ...and technology is my friend. -Lawrence Wright in his resume * In TLK [The Lion King], they needed a gorgeous young lion who had the potential to be a great king which was cruelly denied him by his wicked uncle, yet he overcame much adversity to take his rightful place in the Great Circle of Life; in [Simba's Pride], they needed a close-minded bigot with a purple nose. -Unknown * When I was little and I was told transistors were like switches, I imagined coding a program that would switch as many as possible to an up position at the same time, causing the machine to jump. Knowledge sucks, but partial knowledge is fun. =) -NeoGeoMan * At one point the plane was descending at over 2,000 feet per second.. which is unusual. -Reporter commenting on JFK JR's plane crash * The new Pong has playfields with depth, power-ups and paddles with attitude. -Hasbro Company statement on another re-release of Pong * ok maybe "hatred" was the wrong word but still i think it wuld be best if we kept our opinions to ourselves. -Timon on TLK-List * Why are there so many weiners out there? Is the entire world an Oscar Meyer convention? -Tursi * You didn't just burn your bridges....you smeared napalm all over yourself and ran scream[ing] back into the flames. -Furplay * The most frightening fact about AIDS is that it can be spread by normal sex between men and women. This is still rare is Scotland. -Scottish Sunday Mail * ...yet so many forgot that Jesus died FOR their sins, NOT to justify them in advance!!! -Brian O'Connell * (1) Alexander the Great was a great general. (2) Great generals are forewarned. (3) Forewarned is forearmed. (4) Four is an even number. (5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. (6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. * A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a "Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble. - Mahatma Ghandi * A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass. - Donald A. Metz * A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical phenomena. - Donald A. Metz * A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. - Mark Twain * A billion here, a couple of billion there- first thing you know it adds up to be real money. - Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen * A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose. * A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours. * A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward. * A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other. * A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. * A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators. - Dave Barry * A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five. * A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election. - Bill Vaughan * A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. - Herbert Prochnow * A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. - Mark Twain * A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. * A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it. * A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern. - Edgar A. Shoaff * A day without sunshine is like night. * A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. * A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the toaster. "I wish the toaster to be happy too". * A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat." The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" * A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. - Ogden Nash * A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. - Winston Churchill * A fool must now and then be right by chance. * A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. - G. B. Shaw * A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension. - Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature" * A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. - Adlai Stevenson * A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter facts of life in bandages of self-illusion. - H. L. Mencken * A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding ducks. - New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 * A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the hope of greening the landscape of idea. - John Ciardi * A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. - William James * A hypothetical paradox: What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? - Tom Galloway * A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. - Robert Frost * A Law of Computer Programming: Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you will find the programmers cannot write in English. * A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. - H. H. Munroe * A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional ability in that particular field." * A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. - Steve Wright * A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The first thing he notices is that the arms are too long. "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine." "But the collar is up around my ears!" "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a little more ... that's it." "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation. "Nu, bend your knees a little to take up the slack. There you go. Look in the mirror- the suit fits perfectly." So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the street. Reba and Florence see him go by. "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!" "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit." - Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" * A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation." - Stephen Crane * A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software- regardless of how insignificant," said the master. "Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. "It is," came the reply. "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. "It is even in a video game," said the master. "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is over for today," he said. - "The Tao of Programming" * A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..." "If what?" asked the composer. "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?" * A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out on loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?" * A new koan: If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. It is an ice cream koan. * A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now has no excuse for further procrastination. * A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the larger systems which require a more involved and less efficient power-down sequence. An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer cool. * A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly: "You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The machine worked. * A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. * A penny saved is ridiculous. * "A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!" - Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra" * A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place. - IEEE Grid news magazine * A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. * A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as "you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants to make a travesty of the game. - Donald A. Metz * "A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon." - Steel City News * "A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives." * A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works. * A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects ... * A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard - Prof. Steiner * A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many bad measures. - Daniel Webster * A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. * A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle. * A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. * A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students. - John Ciardi * A University without students is like an ointment without a fly. - Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin * A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous. * A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets people's attention. * A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. * A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive * Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. * About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. - Herbert Hoover * According to my best recollection, I don't remember. - Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo * According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never dies. * According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime. - David Letterman * Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality. * Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" * Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing. * Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had everyone glued in their seats!" Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!" * Actor: So what do you do for a living? Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants. - Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" * Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless. - Sinclair Lewis * After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact that it sinks like a stone. - Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" * After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out. It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life more advanced than the lichen family. - Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" * After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. - P. J. O'Rourke * After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created." "This is true," He replied. "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the right to make his laws?" "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make his own." It was so granted. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" * After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe everything. Just in case. * Alas, I am dying beyond my means. - Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed * Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." * All extremists should be taken out and shot. * All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. * All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates. - Woody Allen * All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us sane. * All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific. - Jane Wagner * All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies. - The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr. * All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of the United States. - Vic Gold * ... all the modern inconveniences ... - Mark Twain * All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by the government in less than a second. - Jim Fiebig * All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. - Sean O'Casey * All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door. * All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score. * All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. * All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in which he was born. - Francois Fenelon * Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. - Dave Barry * Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away. * Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back. * Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else. * AMAZING BUT TRUE ... There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert. * American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors. - Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister" * An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because people refuse to see it. - James Michener, "Space" * An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but is always polite to traffic cops. * An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax. - David Letterman * An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you really care to know. * An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!" * An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. * An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an hour seems like a minute." The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?" - Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" * ... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own. - "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter * ...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a courtesy detail. - Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy * Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a whole week. * Any great truth can- and eventually will- be expressed as a cliche - a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly true. - Solomon Short * Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there. - Sydney J. Harris * Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment. - Robert Benchley * Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn * Anyone who hates dogs and kids can't be all bad. - W. C. Fields * Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. - Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" * As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? * As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs. - Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949 * As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree"- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. - Woody Allen * As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would interfere with flight. As a result, birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant. - Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every Teen Should Know" * Ask your boss to reconsider- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell" for an answer. * At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head under the exhaust of a bus until he revived. * At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest. - Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow Except it's not a paradox, because movement (or not) is a function of time. "At any given moment" removes time as a variable, thereby making movement irrelevant. - Mike's Corollary * At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. - The Washington Post Magazine, 9 June, 1985 * At least they're EXPERIENCED incompetents * At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his thumb with a hammer. - Marshall Lumsden * Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you. - Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student * Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the floor- especially in the dark. * Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" * Barth's Distinction: There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't. * Baruch's Observation: If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. * BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...) -Cracked * Be braver- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. * Be different: conform. * "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way." - Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle" * Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as Wheels. * BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit." GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?" BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..." - Jay Ward * All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British manufacture. * Burn's Hog Weighing Method: (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a sawhorse. (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank. (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again perfectly balanced. (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks. - Robert Burns * But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast to the nearest gas station. * But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again. - Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" * This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate increases. - Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" * ... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject. - Virginia Masters * By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task completely overwhelm you. * California is a fine place to live- if you happen to be an orange. - Fred Allen * Call on God, but row away from the rocks. - Indian proverb * Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage. - Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post * Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes. * Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.: The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. - Rich Hall, "Sniglets" * Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many? * Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. Jaka: Look, Cerebus- Jaka has to tell you ... something Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy out of it? Jaka: Ugh! Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy? - Cerebus #6, "The Secret" * Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" * In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. -Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy * Chicken Little only has to be right once. * Chicken Soup, n.: An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother. - Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" * Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners. * Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. * Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. * Cigarette, n.: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between. * Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. - Mark Twain * Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum - "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" * Commitment, n.: Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. * Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to be appointed to do the work. * Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. - Pablo Picasso * Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT? - Dave Barry, "Read This First!" * Critic, n.: A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him. - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" * Croll's Query: If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of? * Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation. - Johnny Hart * Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par." Allen Gwinn: "Yours is." * Dear Miss Manners: My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between courses, is all right. Which is correct? Gentle Reader: For the purpose of answering examinations in your home economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is. * Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don't think. * Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time. - E. B. White * Democracy, n.: A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass meeting or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights. Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion, prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences. Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy. - U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932), since withdrawn. * "Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him." - John Barrymore's dying words * Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they [may] be yours too." - Dave Haynie * Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.) * District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any damage inflicted on the vehicle. * Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? * Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? * Do not believe in miracles - rely on them. * Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them? * Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing. - Dick Brandon * Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much. * Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? * Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. - Mark Twain * Don't hit a man when he's down- kick him; it's easier. * Don't say yes until I finish talking. - Darryl F. Zanuck * Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent. - Walt Kelly * Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends- tell me where to get more wax!! * Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. - Howard Aiken * Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. - Charles Schultz * Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. * Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together ... - Carl Zwanzig * Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders has been discontinued. * During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost hit my wife." "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot at mine, over there." * Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it. - W. Somerset Maugham * Eagleson's Law: Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.) * Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun. - Jeff Berner * Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath - black. According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved. - Steve Rubenstein * Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't. - Robert Orben * Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. - Ronald Reagan, famous movie star * Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey, although God alone knows why it would want to. The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents harmful electron buildup in the wires. - Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" * Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. - Will Rogers * Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it. * Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop her. * Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work - Robert Orben * Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. * Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be taught how NOT to. * Everyone talks about apathy, but no one DOES anything about it. * Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move. * Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea ... - Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" * Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture on a rock. - New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 * First Law of Procrastination: Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed the deadline). * First things first - but not necessarily in that order - The Doctor, "Doctor Who" * First, a few words about tools. Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face. - Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" * Flugg's Law: When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. * For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat. * For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong. - H. L. Mencken * For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. - Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S. * For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. - Abraham Lincoln * For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. - Johnny Carson * Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week: "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?" * Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky): No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses. * Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19: Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. * Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29: THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any ... * Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32: Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? A: I will be three months November 8th. Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time? * Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37: Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears? A: No. Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears? A: Picking them up in the air. Q: Where was the dog at this time? A: Attached to the ears. * Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3: Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station? MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. * Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41: Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? * From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. - Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults" * Ginsberg's Theorem: (1) You can't win. (2) You can't break even. (3) You can't even quit the game. Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem. To wit: (1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. (2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. (3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game. * Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war. - Napolean * Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done. * God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six days and then pulled an all-nighter. * God doesn't play dice. - Albert Einstein * God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh * God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. - Albert Einstein * Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. - George Saunders' dying words * Gosh that takes me back ... or forward. That's the trouble with time travel, you never can tell. - Dr. Who * ... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you would not have been informed. * Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town? - Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn" * Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk? * He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions * Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. - Redd Foxx * Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson. It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit. Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting. - Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" * Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? - Jay Leno * Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??! - W. C. Fields * Hier liegt ein Mann ganz obnegleich; Here lies a man with sundry flaws Im Leibe dick, an Suden reich. And numerous Sins upon his head; Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, We buried him today because Weil es uns dunkt er sei verreckt. As far as we can tell, he's dead. - PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty * Hlade's Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person - they will find an easier way to do it. * However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional manner ... sulking and nausea. - Tom K. Ryan * I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. - Dave Barry * I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can understand it. - Queen Juliana of the Netherlands. * I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. - Fred Allen * I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ... - F. H. Wales (1936) * I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still... - Steven Wright * I didn't know it was impossible when I did it. * I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology. - James R. F. Quirk * I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. - Ashleigh Brilliant * I don't have to take this abuse from you - I've got hundreds of people waiting to abuse me." - Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" * I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. - Elvis Presley * I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it. - Clarence Darrow * I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path. - Ronald Mabbitt * I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses. - Victor Hugo * I have great faith in fools- self confidence my friends call it. - Edgar Allan Poe * I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it. - Steven Wright * I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. - Albert Einstein * I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building. - Charles Schulz * I like your game but we have to change the rules. * I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils. - Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson * I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. - Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" * I really hate this damned machine I wish that they would sell it. It never does quite what I want But only what I tell it. * I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck. - Graffito in Los Angeles * I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. - Steven Wright * I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple * I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am. - Monty Python * "I thought you were trying to get into shape." "I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle." * ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises! - Winston Churchill * I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia. - Woody Allen * I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to get off my driveway. - Steven Wright * I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything specific. - Steven Wright * I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen? He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work for him then. - Steven Wright * I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that it took seven others to beat him! * I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness', but it doesn't work. - Gallagher * I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me. - Hunter S. Thompson * I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd listen to it! - Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire * I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in. - George McGovern * I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand. * I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx * If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of gravity supercedes the law of golf. - Donald A. Metz * If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. - Albert Einstein * If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of it. - Thomas Carlyle * If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without having to accomplish anything. * If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me! - "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920) * If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? - Art Hoppe * If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred. - George Burns * If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain * If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. - Earl Wilson * Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining. - Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal * In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf. * In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy. - Mark Twain * In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe. - Carl Sagan, Cosmos * In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length. * In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. - Mark Twain * It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature human beings ... - Playboy, January 1983 * It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. - Woody Allen * It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone. * "It's a summons." "What's a summons?" "It means summon's in trouble." - Rocky and Bullwinkle * It's kind of fun to do the impossible. - Walt Disney * It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips. - Garfield * Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you. * Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever. They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the applications for. - Dave Barry * Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record. I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor. * LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London) Dear Sir, I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry. Yours faithfully, Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P. * Lewis's Law of Travel: The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever. * Life is too important to take seriously. - Corky Siegel * Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe we should think only about today. Charlie Brown: No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get better. * Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us to pay income taxes, too? - Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox * Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to. * Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. - Wernher von Braun * Man is the only animal that blushes- or needs to. - Mark Twain * Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them. - Samuel Butler * Mandrell: "You know what I think?" Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you don't think, right?" - Dr. Who * Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split before. Thus was the Empire forged. - "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams * Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles. * Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO inconsiderate." - Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury" * Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. - Susan Ertz * Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better. * Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of them that it doesn't make any difference. - Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every Teen Should Know" * NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he says is wrong. GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says will be right. - G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny" * Never drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows. * Never eat more than you can lift. - Miss Piggy * "No, 'Eureka' is Greek for 'This bath is too hot.'" - Dr. Who * Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of normal routines, for children and adults alike. - Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack" * [Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable. - Edwin Meese III * OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard. - Dr. Joy * This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. - Wolfgang Pauli * Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom." The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!" But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this adventure." But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the rocks, making legends of a Saviour. * One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good, nobody can touch Him. - John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983 * ... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs. - Robert Firth * Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it. - Alex Schure * Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor. * Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. - Nikita Khrushchev * Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it should be hard to understand. * Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much good it did them. * Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white socks. * Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your program doesn't deliver it. * Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization? Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. * Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. - Swami X * Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. - Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every Teen Should Know" * The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug someone with it. - M. Devine, Computer Science 340 * The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child, was propounded to me by my father: "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet - and whistles?" I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity gave up. "A herring," said my father. "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" "So hang it there." "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. "Paint it." "But a herring isn't wet." "If it's just painted, it's still wet." "But -" I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "- a herring doesn't whistle!!" "Right," smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it hard." - Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish" * The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. - Dave Barry * The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. * The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner. - Mark Twain * The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon. * The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. - Woody Allen * The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years. * The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader catch his own breath. - Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart * The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe. * The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. - H. L. Mencken * The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker. - Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" * The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose", which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like. - Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" * The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up! * The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make them unsafe. - Mayor Frank Rizzo * The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. - From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972 * The trouble with a kitten is that When it grows up, it's always a cat - Ogden Nash. * The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. - Franklin P. Jones * The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. * The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense. - E. W. Dijkstra * There is a theory that states: "If anyone ever finds out what the universe is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bizarrely inexplicable." There is another theory that states: "This has already happened." - Douglas Adams, "Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy" * They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce. - Mark Twain * This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force. - Dorothy Parker * This planet has- or rather had- a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy. - Douglas Adams * Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do. * To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. - Woody Allen * Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly. * "Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?" "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food, right?" - MacNelley, "Shoe" * Wagner's music is better than it sounds. - Mark Twain * Firings will continue until morale improves. * We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get back to normal, and that they already have. * We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that said "ELECTROCUTION". Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom floor, which is how the police would find you. You know the kind of flu I'm talking about. - Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" * We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult. For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how ugly paneling is to begin with. - Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" * We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one technical problem- how to run a sunbeam through a meter. * We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later. * What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our country. Nice try anyway, George. - D.J. on KSFO/KYA * What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed. - Dave Barry, "$#$*#^*!^*@*@!" * When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. - Steven Wright * When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come and get you." - Jerry Lewis * When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years- and I find I mind it less and less." - Louise Andrews Kent * Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved - Mark Twain * Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you come back. - Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" * From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs damage my videotapes?" * Wouldn't the sentence 'I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign' have been clearer if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips? * You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. Why do you find that funny? - D. Taylor, Computer Science 350 * You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename. - Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454 * You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten. - Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and Over and Over" * You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles. - Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food * "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young!" "Why, what did she tell you?" "I don't know, I didn't listen!" - Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" * You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. * You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do. - Olin Miller. * You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. - Dean Martin * Fact: Boston Computer Museum sells chocolate bars shaped like floppy disks. Fact: Three year old kids see daddy boot his computer using a floppy to play games. Fact: Computers are warm inside...even some quite expensive computers. I don't want to talk about it. * The Librarian was, of course, very much in favour of reading in general, but readers in particular got on his nerves. There was something, well, /sacrilegious/ about the way they kept taking books off the shelves and wearing out the words by reading them. He liked people who loved and respected books, and the best way to do that, in the Librarian's opinion, was to leave them on the shelves where Nature intended them to be. - Terry Pratchett- Men of Arms * The great god Thor, he went to war Riding on a filly. "I'm Thor!" he cried. The horse replied, "Then get a thaddle, thilly!" - Afya (?) * We the unwilling, are about to attempt the impossible with the insufficient. * Windows is not a weebil. -Sean * Actually did you know that those movies are a soup of a whole bunch of belifef systems we have today? If you place "A long long time ago... with Chewbacca" you get the belief of evolution, then you put "In a galaxie far far away..." with some believing that life originated elsewhere or we were planted here by other aliens -Pyrron * Pyrron: look at all man's inventions, all of them borrowed on creation. Boomer: [Therefore] If you read the bible, you will find the plans to the Vic-20. * America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. - John O'Hara * John Donovan, vice president of the Silicon Valley research firm TrendFocus, offered a word of caution. "The hard-drive market is out of whack, and manufacturers are killing themselves economically," he said. "They're producing massive drives most people will never be able to fill, and removable drives are aggressively competing for their business." -in a 2000 article about the first 80gb hard drives Not amusing yet, but let's look back in a few years, eh? ;) * Sex for Nerds. Babes that Matter. -www.penthouse.com * She's not panicking, Sam. We voted to panic! -Helix, Freefall * ...he looks like Don Knotts after surviving an explosion in a crystal meth lab... -Zeroes Unlimited * I can't help it- my eyes are trapped in the gravitational field of your breasts!! -Geek pickup line * Out of my mind...Back in five minutes. -Bumper sticker * I need someone really bad...Are you really bad? -Bumper Sticker * "Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?" "Yes.. I sleep with an anthropomorphic marshmallow which I lay my head on and call Pillow" -Untion, VFur Mailing List * Enter the "Burned Furs," a splinter Furry group made up of people who have an obsession with fuzzy tiger head people but who are tired of being thought of as abnormal. Their stance is that it's perfectly okay to spend eight weeks and five hundred dollars on a homemade badger suit so that you can wear it in public, but if you have sex in it you're just weird. -L. Fitzgerald Sjöberg * It's like a Trek fan saying "Well, sure, I'm fluent in Klingon, but that guy used it for his wedding ceremony! Let's all mock him!" -L. Fitzgerald Sjöberg * Which is not to malign perversion for perversion's sake. Heck, given the modern standards of beauty, longing to have sex with a full-figured otter woman is only slightly less realistic than wanting to have sex with a supermodel. And the otter lady is probably more fun at the sushi bar. -L. Fitzgerald Sjöberg * From the cruise ship you can see bears on the shore. Bears are about the size of a pencil eraser, at least the ones I saw. They might look bigger up close. -Scott Adams * Until I obtained good taste, I thought the proper number of pillows for a bed was one per head. It's embarrassing to think how wrong I was. Thanks to the help of a professional decorator, and Pam, my bed now has fifteen pillows. Six of them are big honkers that look very impressive until they are thrown on the floor at night. Four of them are decorative pillows featuring the cheerful faces of various dogs; those go on the floor at night too. One pillow is a log-shaped thing called a bolster; it has no purpose that I can discern. Two are "Bucky(tm)" pillows that support one's neck should that become necessary on an emergency basis. When not in use, they go on the floor with the bolster. -Scott Adams * True story: Our senior execs decided they needed to be more "visible" to the unwashed masses. The solution: cardboard cutouts of the VPs and senior VPs in the break rooms. -Unknown * An angry Induhvidual recently accused me of "cheating" at our various work meetings. I asked how. The Induhvidual replied that, "You always prepare for our meetings and that gives you an unfair advantage." -Unknown * On two occasions, I have been asked [by members of Parliament], 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not able to rightly apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question." - Charles Babbage * "I'm in 386 enchanted mode." -Unknown * up, _up, up_, Up, uP, UP, _Up, _UP, down, _down, down_, Down, dOWN, DOWN, _Down, _DOWN -(partial) Global variable list in a sorry little program -author Unknown * "Hey! I hate these Microsoft guys! What a rotten compiler! It only accepts 16,384 local variables in a function!" -Unknown * if (value == 0) return value; else return 0; -Think about it * "Oh no," she said. "I found the [power] switch, but I don't know which way to flip it." -Unknown * Back in the good old pre-PC days we sold a system that required the user to hit Ctrl-A in order to sign on. We sold one to some outfit in Canada. Well, trying to get them going over the phone took an hour. We'd say, "Hit Ctrl-A," and they'd say, "Ok, we hit Ctrl, eh? And nothing happened, eh?" -Dubious * Error #101: No keyboard. Press F1 to continue -Most PC BIOS * Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). -Unknown * Do these people really understand that the [Canadian Alliance] are a fundamentalist, right wing, sexist and biased bunch of people who want to turn Canada into a United States equivalent? -The Gatekeeper * If I do not return to the pulpit this weekend, millions of people will go to hell. - Jimmy Swaggart, 5/20/88 * Customer: "I had been waiting on the phone for you guys for three days! So I finally decided to heck with it and did what the instructions said." * Customer: "Why is something broken every time you're here?" * What I thought was the light at the end of the tunnel was just a sign: 'Not An Exit'. * SupportMagic is purported to be one of the leading help desk software systems. If that is indeed true, it may help explain why it's so difficult to get good technical support nowadays... -Interface Hall of Shame * I didn't fall off the horse yesterday. -Unknown boss * I'm not a rocket surgeon. -Unknown * We have to wear uniforms in gym class, but in the winter when we go outside it becomes impractical because of the cold. Solution: They make us wear our uniforms UNDER our clothes! To make matters worse, they ask for random "shorts checks" in which we must pull our pants down a tad to show that we are following their rules. * Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods. -George Bush Jr, President USA Austin, Texas, Dec. 20, 2000 * They misunderestimated me. -George Bush Jr Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000 * They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program. -George Bush Jr St. Charles, Mo., Nov. 2, 2000 * Drug therapies are replacing a lot of medicines as we used to know it. -George Bush Jr * I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question. -George Bush Jr Oct. 4, 2000 * I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully. -George Bush Jr, Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000 * It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas. -George Bush Jr Beaverton, Ore., Sep. 25, 2000 * The best way to relieve families from time is to let them keep some of their own money. -George Bush Jr Westminster, Calif., Sept. 13, 2000 * The fundamental question is, 'Will I be a successful president when it comes to foreign policy?' I will be, but until I'm the president, it's going to be hard for me to verify that I think I'll be more effective. -George Bush Jr June 28, 2000 * I think we agree, the past is over. -George Bush Jr Dallas Morning News, May 10, 2000 * I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California. -George Bush Jr April 8, 2000 * I understand small business growth. I was one. -George Bush Jr New York Daily News, Feb. 19, 2000 * We ought to make the pie higher. -George Bush Jr South Carolina Republican Debate, Feb. 15, 2000 * The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case. -George Bush Jr San Antonio Express-News, Jan. 30, 2000 * I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family. -George Bush Jr Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000 * Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement." Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire." * Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough." Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft." * Problem: "Something loose in cockpit." Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit." * Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear." Solution: "Evidence removed." * Problem: "Number three engine missing." Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search." * Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud." Solution: "Volume set to more believable level." * Problem: Dead bugs on windshield. Solution: Live bugs on order. * Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent. Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. * Problem: IFF inoperative. Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. * Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. Solution: That's what they're there for. * Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. (Anything said in Latin sounds profound.) * "...but a little less emphasis on video games and a little more life and quite possibly yoga might be worth some thought..." -Will Kempe, V-P bleem! Inc. * Many end-of-the-world dates have been forecast. None have come true yet, to our knowledge. -B.A. Robinson * Atari games were almost all level based games with a simple objective that got harder and harder to achieve with each level. A good example of this is Missile Command. In the beginning, the missiles rocket towards your cities and command at the same molasses speed of a geriatric scooter running low on juice. By the time you get to level 15 (the highest I ever achieved) the missiles streaked towards your cities with the rabid ferocity of a chipmunk on speed. * The Induhvidual debating technique involves four steps: 1. Exaggerate your opponent's statement into an absurd absolute. 2. Make an inappropriate analogy. 3. Change the topic to something easier to defend. 4. Claim victory. -Scott Adams * In life, there's no such thing as cheating, unless it's used to get an edge over me.. :) -Binky * I'm a Goddamn Wombat. - The Wombat of Justice. * I ain't gonna diss you on the internet....because my mamma tought me better than that. - BibleThumper * You guys are slinging acronyms like lawn darts... -Binky * It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everyone does everything. -Homer Simpson * Never argue with an idiot. First they will bring you down to their level. Then they'll beat you with experience! * Our boss was trying to give us some helpful advice by explaining that everyone has a monkey on the back and sometimes you just have to "spank your monkey." * Many of you wrote to say you wanted to read a sample chapter before buying, so I made one available for preview. And yes, the chapter is thoroughly misleading as an example of the whole book. I call that "marketing." -Scott Adams * Staff are requested not to use the eye patches in this first-aid kit to impersonate 'pirates' or other characters. They are for medical use only. * Perishable Employee Needed. Experience Required. * You know, the cheetah on the front of that Jaguar (car) looks really cool. * Even if we get the money it can be really hard to find someone qualified, and an unqualified counselor might do more harm than good, but that's better than nothing. * I see stupid people. They're everywhere. They walk around like everyone else. They don't even know they're stupid. * The Lion King was created to appeal to the child in us. Simba's Pride was created to appeal to the child sitting next to us. * The end result is like trying to put a new paint job on a Corvette with watercolors. - Magnwa * "I'll take my business elsewhere." "Would you mind? I would appreciate that." -Customer, and Gord * I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe-I believe what I believe is right. -George Bush Jr, Rome, July 22, 2001 * Talking to a person about being into the hardcore gaming scene is completely different than talking to them about the hardcore anime scene. In future, I must find a new adjective. - Gord * She's cute. But I don't feel comfortable being aroused by Pikachu. Its just disturbing. - DacaZ, on the subject of Cosplay * You and lesbians on the moon? I'm supposed to believe that? -Weerwolf * Yes, they reproduce asynchronously. -Tursi * Don't they realize that won't happen for one reason: We give God more money! -Keith * I often think the car in front of me is following me the long way around. - Dennis Miller * You are never going to fail unless you try. -unknown * Today is like the day Rome was built in. We can't afford to have any fiddlers. -unknown * The skeleton is there. You just have to decorate it and put the decorations on the tree. -*really* unknown * A pool hall put up a sign in their front window that read: "Profound language prohibited within." I could just imagine some people discussing the meaning of life and being told to take it outside. * Destiny may take a while -anonymous * I see in the near future a crisis approaching that unnerves me and causes me to tremble for the safety of my country. Corporations have been enthroned and an era of corruption in high places will follow, and the money power of the country will endeavor to prolong its reign by working upon the prejudices of the people until all wealth is aggregated in a few hands and the Republic is destroyed. -Abraham Lincoln, Nov. 21, 1864 * Being a good friend, you ignore the problem as long as you can stand to, and then offer to help -Tursi * So now you see, that Evil will always win, because Good is dumb. -Dark Helmet (SpaceBalls) * A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He spotted a woman below and reduced altitude. "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of it, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far." The woman below responded, "You must be in Management. You don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve it. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault." * Well, to be Frank, I'd have to change my name. -Unknown * Canadians. With guns. What is this world coming to? -Silly article * The ancient Greeks and Romans worshipped mythology instead of God. They all wore sheets called togas. They had this one God that would get drunk all the time and go to toga parties when all the other Gods were out practicing for the Olympics. -From student essays * Columbus didn't really discover America anyway. The Vikings discovered it first but they all moved to Minnesota. -Student essay * The Indians showed the Pilgrims how to fish, hunt, plant corn, build strong houses, sew beautiful garments, and cook delicious food. In return, the Pilgrims taught the Indians how to smoke, drink, and worship God. -Student essay * I read in a book the pioneers used hoes to work the fields. I bet if we still made bad girls work like that we wouldn't have so many teenage girls being pregnate[sic]. -Student essay * No single raindrop believes it is to blame for the flood. -Unknown * When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other. -Unknown * In addition, a reading of your opinion would lead to the conclusion that the State market is crucial and essential for the proprietary software industry, to such a point that the choice made by the State in this bill would completely eliminate the market for these firms. If that is true, we can deduce that the State must be subsidising the proprietary software industry. In the unlikely event that this were true, the State would have the right to apply the subsidies in the area it considered of greatest social value; it is undeniable, in this improbable hypothesis, that if the State decided to subsidize software, it would have to do so choosing the free over the proprietary, considering its social effect and the rational use of taxpayers money. -Dr Edgar David Villanueva NuÑez, Congressman of the Republic of Peru in response to a concerned letter from Microsoft * As you know perfectly well, or could find out by reading the "End User License Agreement" of the products you license, in the great majority of cases the guarantees are limited to replacement of the storage medium in case of defects, but in no case is compensation given for direct or indirect damages, loss of profits, etc... If as a result of a security bug in one of your products, not fixed in time by yourselves, an attacker managed to compromise crucial State systems, what guarantees, reparations and compensation would your company make in accordance with your licencing conditions? The guarantees of proprietary software, inasmuch as programs are delivered 'AS IS', that is, in the state in which they are, with no additional responsibility of the provider in respect of function, in no way differ from those normal with free software. -Dr Edgar David Villanueva NuÑez, Congressman of the Republic of Peru in response to a concerned letter from Microsoft * I have stopped reading Stephen King novels. Now I just read C code instead. -Richard O'Keefe * If you think C++ is not overly complicated, just what is a "protected abstract virtual base pure virtual private destructor" and when was the last time you needed one? -Tom Cargill * Arguing that Java is better than C++ is like arguing that grasshoppers taste better than tree bark. -Thant Tessman * C++ is history repeated as tragedy. Java is history repeated as farce. -Scott McKay * Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration. -Stan Kelly-Bootle * They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction. -Janet Reno * I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image. -Stephen Hawking * All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer. -1925 IBM Maintenence Manual * How would a car function if it were designed like a computer? Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine, and the airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off. -Katie Hafner * For a long time it puzzled me how something so expensive, so leading edge, could be so useless, and then it occurred to me that a computer is a stupid machine with the ability to do incredibly smart things, while computer programmers are smart people with the ability to do incredibly stupid things. They are, in short, a perfect match. -Bill Bryson * There's an old story about the person who wished his computer were as easy to use as his telephone. That wish has come true, since I no longer know how to use my telephone. -Bjarne Stroustrup * The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from. -Andrew Tannenbaum * Using encryption on the Internet is the equivalent of arranging an armored car to deliver credit-card information from someone living in a cardboard box to someone living on a park bench. -Gene Spafford * Anytime you wake up handcuffed in a fursuit..you know it was a good night ;) -Lucius * Dissing the Dreamcast is just immoral. It's like picking on some child with the artistic talent of a Mozart who contracted leprosy and is consigned to a slow lingering death, while some rich kid with insufficent texture RAM plays outside his window, mocking him. -StriderKyo * So, where do all these elevators go? Are there other floors? -Unknown * One of my Dad's retired friends spends nine months a year in Wisconsin and goes to Florida for the winter. One year, while he was in Florida, he got a call from the police. His neighbor in Wisconsin, who had a key, had entered his home to check that everything was okay with the house. The house was a shambles and he called the police to report a burglary. The police officer reported: "The house appears to have been ransacked." My Dad's friend immediately bought a plane ticket and flew 1000 miles home to discover that the house looked exactly the way it always looks. * Seen on a Taco Bell sign in Coralville, Iowa: "Everyday low value" * There is a sign on a church in Greenfield, MA, that says: "HOW DO YOU FIND JESUS?" The next line down says: "RUMMAGE SALE Saturday 8-2." * A workman on a construction project at our facility left this neatly-lettered warning sign: "WARNING - HOLE IN FLOOR ABOVE DOORWAY BELOW." I didn't look under the sign, however, for fear of being sucked into another dimension. * We need to iron out our bread and butter. * I don't need a compass to tell me which way the wind shines! * You don't want me down here breathing down your throats. * That floor is so clean you could comb your hair off of it. * It's like the blind talking to the blind! * At the completion of my on-campus job interview, which I thought went well, I was told by the interviewer, "You'll hear from us one way or the other or not at all." * "As people do better, they start voting like Republicans... unless they have too much education and vote Democratic, which proves there can be too much of a good thing." -Karl Rove, White House Advisor * There ought to be limits to freedom. -George W. Bush, Jr, President of the United States * No matter what anyone says, George [Bush Jr] can read a Teleprompter. Thus, he showed that he has all of the capabilities necessary to be an American president in the Information Age. -Unknown * And worse, I'm kinda buzzed drinking alone, so I'm as short on patience as dsc is on braincells. -Acierocolotl * Computer was knocked over, physical memory dumped. -Actual helpdesk submission * There's an old...saying in Tennessee...I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee that says Fool me once...(3 second pause)... Shame on...(4 second pause)...Shame on you....(6 second pause)... Fool me...Can't get fooled again. -George W. Bush to Nashville, Tennessee audience, Sept. 17, 2002, MSNBC-TV-Politex, Sept. 17, 2002, 10 PM * In theory there is no difference between theory and practice, but in practice there is. * "Where am I?" [Spacewalker Piere] Sellers asked. When told he was flying over the Pacific and coming up on South America, he observed, "Wow- it's too beautiful for words- unbelievable." After a two-second pause, he said, "That's it, back to work." -As reported by CNN * I won't even fluff a pillow if I suspect it's filled with pointy feathers. -Scott Adams * An actual sign in Goleta, CA, reads: "Judo- Aikido- Ballroom Dancing" * Heavy construction equipment is so cute when it's trying to be subtle. -Niomi (Freefall) * Seen on a resume: "I am an expert poofreader." * I have a high-school pottery class. One morning, a fellow student sat down at his pottery wheel and complained that someone left it all messy. He failed to understand that every student has his own exclusive wheel assigned to him, and he was looking at his own mess from the previous day. At the end of class, he started to get up, and I reminded him that he was supposed to clean up after himself. He said, "I'm going to leave it as a lesson to whoever did it to me that they're supposed to clean up their own mess!" * Making an assumption is something completely different than assuming something. Assumptions are conclusions, and assuming is a pre-conclusion. I don't think you can say that something is an assumption when you've assumed it. -Unknown * [I] worked as an accountant in a paper mill where my boss decided that it would improve motivation to split a bonus between the two shifts based on what percentage of the total production each one accomplished. The workers quickly realized that it was easier to sabotage the next shift than to make more paper. Cow-orkers put glue in locks, loosened nuts on equipment so it would fall apart, you name it. The bonus scheme was abandoned after about ten days, to avoid all-out civil war. * We shoot ourselves in the wrong feet sometimes. * It's Mind over Matter. If you don't Mind, it doesn't Matter. -Unknown * Too much of a good thing is an awesome thing. But too much of an awesome thing is...umm... really, really dumb and bad. -StrongBad * One time I asked my sister what she did at work. She said, "I just sit there and look pretty." Her (ex)husband replied, "No wonder you always come home so tired." -Unknown * Like shooting Christmas fish in a barrel -said while wrapping christmas packages. * Knowing my luck, I'll end up an answer to a trivia question. -said to co-worker, about almost making it to the big time. * Oh good! My dog found the chainsaw! -Lilo, "Lilo and Stitch" * Who knew a degree in microbiology would be valuable in flirting? -Anonymous * Calling heads of state pygmies, labeling whole countries as evil, denigrating powerful European allies as irrelevant- these types of crude insensitivities can do our great nation no good. -US Senator Robert Byrd * Theres a term for people who seem to be unable understand another persons situation, have no conscience, and are willing to go to unusually great lengths as they follow their insatiable desire to get what they want. The term is psychopath. -'Lucy' * I stand here in absolute disbelief watching [him] burn the barn before he even steps outside. -John Burkitt * Yeah but seahorses are pretty small although I suppose pencils are as well. -unknown * P: "Thanks to you, Lois, our son has a huge wang!" L: "Thanks to me??" P: "Well he didn't get it from me!!" -Peter, "Family Guy" * I love God! He's so deliciously EVIL! -Stewie, 'Family Guy' * The trick is to inspire wonder without being too heavy handed, so the atheists don't feel left out. -God, 'God, the Devil and Bob' * "I think you need to defeat them in detail," said the general, using the military term for destroying a unit. "I think you should 'Pac Man' the ring around Baghdad," he said, referring to the 1980s computer game in which a big dot gobbled up smaller ones. MSNBC reporter * Just do your best to kill him, okay? Don't give John a chance! Max (pingpong) * We used to joke that you hated people (and it was a joke), but despite that people seemed to like you. It must have driven you nuts. Rimmy * I don't think many of us have a sense of how dangerous this is. It stirs the hornet's nest. We are driven, through the purity of science, to support or reject hypotheses, but it's a terribly naive, pure, God-like approach. And, my God, does it stir the mortals up. -Kevin Jones, after a Melungeon DNA study * Life is like a jigsaw puzzle, but you don't have the picture on the front of the box to know what it's supposed to look like. Sometimes, you're not even sure if you have all the pieces. -Roger von Oech, "A Whack on the Side of the Head" * You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side thats been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out. When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game! * I guess I'm too frustrated by how much further I have to go, to look back and see how far I've come. -Tursi * DO NOT keep alcohol in contact with the metal for more than 24 hours- as deterioration of the spirit may occur. -Sheffield Mint- Pewter Mug box * Outside consultants sought for test of gas chamber. - Ad in Arizona Republic * Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing- but none of them serious. - Alan Minter, Boxer * I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness. - Alicia Silverstone, Actress * How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby. - Anonymous Manufacturer * Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you are thinking of leaving now, you'd better set off a few minutes earlier. - Anonymous Traffic Report * This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time. - Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL * You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle. - Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach * The internet is a great way to get on the net. - Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate * Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. - Budapest Zoo sign * As Deng's health is now failing, many matters have been passed to Wan Li, who despite his age is still alive. - company report, China Inc. * Lack of brains hinders research. - Columbus Dispatch, Headline * There is no housing shortage in Lincoln today- just a rumour that is put about by people who have nowhere to live. - G.L. Murfin, Mayor of Lincoln * I have opinions of my own-strong opinions- but I don't always agree with them. - George Bush Sr, former U.S. President * If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel * FIRST, CARRY TO FIRE. - Instructions on a fire extinguisher * Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres! - Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer * When I'm a blonde, I can say the world is purple, and they'll believe me because they weren't listening to me. - Kylie Bax, Model/Actress , in Stuff magazine. * I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted. - Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries. * If you or any member of your family has been killed... - Lawyer commercial on TV, Orlando, Florida * We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need? - Lee Iacocca, former Chrysler Chairman * He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is. - Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota. * Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value. - Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre. (Superior School of War) * I say no to drugs, but they don't listen. - Marilyn Manson, Singer * If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very low crime rate. - Marion Barry, mayor of Washington, D.C. * If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record. - Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman * We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally. - Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister * Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway. - Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane. * After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post. - Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island * They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off. - Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers. * Hi I'm Dean White, Dick, of the college. - Richard (Dick) White, Duke University academic Dean introducing himself at a faculty dinner. * Permitted vehicles not allowed. - Road sign on US 27 * SAFETY FIRST: Please put on your seat belt- prepare for accident. - Sign on backseat of Taxi * We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door- the bell doesn't work.) - Sign on door of repair shop * After I die, I'll probably come back as a paintbrush. - Sylvestor Stallone, Actor * You can't just let nature run wild. - Wally Hickel, former Alaska governor * I describe false symptoms to my doctor to keep him on his toes. - Unknown * Is everyone else in the world a moron, or is it just me? - Unknown * I've been thinking about giving that some thought. - Unknown * If I had millions of dollars I would go to poor African countries and wash their babies. I would be a mercenary. - Unknown * I received a junk mail item today with the subject title: "You too can have Perfect Skin- Free Sample." * The job of any good educator is to find that spark of enlightenment and to water it well. * The Church of Kissing Atkins' Ass is kind of like Scientology, but without that John Travolta guy. -Helvetica Bold * Too many errors on one line (make fewer) - Error message from Apple's MPW C compiler * Kids today enjoy dismantling and tinkering with their hot rods. The wise parent will encourage this- after all, once they take it apart, they may not be able to put it back together again! - Old cartoon from Disney * Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. - Douglas Adams * I have seen the truth . . . and it makes absolutely no sense. * I live in my own little world; but that's okay, I know everyone there. * Before you criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then you're a mile away and you have their shoes. * Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. - Unknown * Normal people scare me. They're obsessed with fursuit sex. - Unknown * "Why does he get a break?" "He's an employee. You're here as punishment for almost annihilating our civilization!" "Am I the only one who's impressed by that?" -Invader Zim * Even today, America and the UK are sexually repressed countries where a loving act of procreation is viewed as obscene whereas a picture of somebody being killed is regarded as good clean fun. * It's the thirteenth of February, and I'm sober long enough to get drunk. -Feral Ferret * A man is not defeated when he loses, he's defeated when he quits. -Richard Nixon * The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done." -Unknown * I saw 'cout' being shifted "Hello world" times to the left and stopped right there. - Steve Gonedes * I'll say that the world is more peaceful and more free under my leadership, and America is more secure. - George Bush, Jr 2003 * In terms of the balloon drops and all that business, it will be a little while for me to be catching the confetti, as they say. - George Bush, Jr 2003 * Saying that it's achieved "cult" status is like saying Star Wars has a quaint little appreciation society - Review of 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail' * I dont know very much about ninjas, if anything at all, but i do know one thing-they aren't mammals. - 'Kyle' (posted at realultimatepower.net) * As far as the laws of Mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. -Albert Einstein * We are taught to assume the best of our fellows. 'We are no better than they; we are all equal; sufficiently motivated, anyone can achieve anything.' It is always such a disappointment to be faced with incontrovertible proof that this is simply not true. -Dhauzimmer * Was it supposed to fail? -'Keiko' * They redundantly repeated themselves over and over again incessantly without end. - anon * Being blonde is worth dying for. -Hannes * If my answers frighten you, you should cease asking scary questions. - Jules Winnfield (Pulp Fiction) * "I'd rather be happy than right any day." "And are you happy?" "No... that's where it all falls down." - Slartibartfast and Arthur Dent * I'm being educated against my will! My rights are being trampled! - Calvin * Industry wags are saying that God invented SCO to give people a company to hate more than Microsoft. -Maureen O'Gara * [Republicans] believe that providing health care to all Iraqis is sound government policy but providing health care to all Americans is socialism personified. -Unknown * See, free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don't attack each other. Free nations don't develop weapons of mass destruction. -President George Bush, Jr, Milwaukee, Wis., Oct. 3, 2003 * Our country puts $1 billion a year up to help feed the hungry. And we're by far the most generous nation in the world when it comes to that, and I'm proud to report that. This isn't a contest of who's the most generous. I'm just telling you as an aside. We're generous. We shouldn't be bragging about it. But we are. We're very generous. -President George Bush, Jr, Washington, D.C., July 16, 2003 * I'm the master of low expectations. -President George Bush, Jr, Aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003 * Chico: "The garbage man is here." Groucho: "Well, tell him we don't want any." * This probably qualifies as animal cruelty. Step 1: Put Meow Mate [Mouse] on his running wheel. Step 2: Hold out some Nutella on a spoon just in front of the wheel. Step 3: Fall over laughing as Meow Mate runs his heart out trying desperately to reach the Nutella. -Jihang * The problem with the world is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself? -Emarice * I woke up this morning feeling like I'd been in a fatal car crash the night before! -Girl on Fear Factor (Fatal??) * Blu-blockers are sun glasses that are frequently sold via late night infomercials. There is one scene where they stop a rather well-endowed young blonde on a beach and ask her to try on the glasses. She was really impressed with them, and uttered the fabulous remark, "Wow. These are incredible. When I put them on, everything looks like it's in 3-D!" * WHAT?! Could you speak louder? *MY* boobs aren't big enough to HEAR with! -Madison, Undone * Better yet is to place a tin of food in front of the cat along with a tin-opener and tell it to make its own dinner. Cats deserve that, because they're smug bastards. -Nostalgia * Cats, which have four [legs], have an expression when looking at humans that says "Why don't you fall over? Why are you picking things up with your front legs? Maybe if I keep watching you'll fall over. That would amuse me." -Nostalgia * What planet are you from? The planet where they have no eggs? -Waiter at 'The Elbow Room', Vancouver, BC * Also, he thinks the N64 controller sucks, the Phantom Menance wasn't a good film, and Ninja Scroll was. I must humbly raise my issues with Gord. ;-) -Sean Riley (usenet) * Are you sure this sharing thing is going to work? -Father to kids, buying cotton candy at Fisherman's Wharf (San Francisco) * I said words I didn't even know I knew. -ChaosKirin * I was there for a second but then I got frustrated so I just scratched the problem out... see? -Random girl in Nightpaw's Algebra class * A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it. -'K', Men in Black * A company that depends on factually challenged and emotional appeals to fear of foreigners should inspire some caution. -Victor Yodaiken, CEO of FSMLabs * Have you ever fed a man in Canada by buying an 80 column device from him only to never get it? -Bob Gilpin * Pretty much the same old stuff, but if you wanted something new you wouldn't be reading slashdot, eh? -Doom * [Cougars] wanna be part of the cool cats, but you all just won't let them in your clique! 's why you never see 'em, huddled in their caves practicing programming on keyboards they drew in the dirt ;) -FoxxFire * Well, it's true, I've seen photos! Or, well, someone told me once. Well. I made it up. But still! Poor things. -FoxxFire * Do I have to meet every straight person in the US, grab them by the shoulders, and go "Look, Sonny Jim, when two us us get married we don't end the ceremony by kneeing the nearest straight guy in the balls"? -The Brat Queen * You know, I always find that people who tend to toss around the term "freedom of..." seem to think it means "I can do anything I want!" instead of the proper, "The government is kindly allowing me to do these things, so I better not fuck it up for everyone else by acting irresponsibly." -William G * As for me, at least in France, I always find that people who tend to toss around the term "freedom of..." seem to think "give freedom to me and those who agree with me, not to the others". -Lyrt * Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. -Groucho Marx * I'm back! What'd I miss? ... -God (or someone trying to be funny) ;) * This is the destiny of democracy, as not all means are acceptable to it, and not all practices employed by its enemies are open before it. Although a democracy must often fight with one hand tied behind its back, it nonetheless has the upper hand. Preserving the Rule of Law and recognition of an individual's liberty constitutes an important component in its understanding of security. At the end of the day they (add to) its strength. -Israel's highest court, quoted by Al Gore * And then suddenly he turns human again and becomes a pansy long-haired angel looking dude who is so flaming he makes Legolas look straight. -Jihang * ...you realise that asphalt has a liquid state. -Ras, describing heat * This is not to be construed as a slam against the Woofy-Poofy Lionkins (Panthera leo) in any regard. -"Jaggie-Waggie" * Please explain what security hole will affect me when accessing my own servers from behind my firewall. If you're so paranoid that you're afraid launching IE will infect your computer with the digital equivilent of the ebola virus, you have bigger problems then Mozilla can address. -Kenja * Hateful as a Sandwich, - Rab!d / SnadBoy / Dennis Wolfe * ...then they'd be staring at me, all day long. I'd look down and it'd be like having a studio audience in my feet. -Preyfar (at the suggestion he draw little faces on his toes) * There, see? You've outlasted two other conversations and a chicken so far. -Tursi * I'll put on the oven mitts, but that's it. I'm a man. The only way I'll wear a frilly apron is if it's made from Duct Tape -Sam, 'Freefall' * If you aren't part of the solution, you're a precipitate. -ANONYMOUS * Reports of my death are great exaggerated. -ANONYMOUS * Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people -ELEANOR ROOSEVELT * May you live everyday of your life. * So many bands are like, "I'm real because I'm dirty." If you have money for guitars, you can afford soap. -HOWLIN' PELLE ALMQVIST * You do what you gotta do. I'm gonna stand in the corner. -some guy at Fry's(an electronics store) * Son, now those people are called EMPLOYEES. 2000 years ago, they were called SLAVES. -Great America Supervisor * Your Dad's a real treat. He should go make people laugh in Heaven. -Larry, 'Father of the Pride' * Jokes mentioning ducks were considered particularly funny. -cnn.com (They wrote it just like that) * Lord, help me to meet this self-imposed and totally unnecessary challenge. -Unknown * War does not determine who is right. War determines who is left. -Unknown * Because everything in her home is waterproof, the housewife of 2000 can do her daily cleaning with a hose. -Popular Mechanics, 1950 * That is the saving grace of humor; if you fail, no one is laughing at you. -A. Whitney Brown * Government money is financial alternating current! -Helix, Freefall * The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people [are] so full of doubts. -Bertrand Russell * There are so many people here who cannot get over the fact that the USA is a democracy. If you lose an election, a fair election, in a democracy it is not the end of the world. -Kristian, Cambridge * I miss voter fraud. -John Stewart * If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it because I can't swim. -Bob Stanfield * Of course I don't live in the real world. We don't all stay in the nest forever. -Tursi * The large, rectangular, soft item in your room will help with this device. Ensure the Battery Recharging Covers are drawn over the majority of your body. Prepare for recharging by lowering your ocular shields. Some units have been programmed to engage the recharging state faster by a numerical assay of airborne livestock auto-propelled over cellulose-based obstructions; others report that the consumption of thermally-energized lactose-laden beverage aids with the recharging process. This particular unit reccommends the use of a controlled amount of ethanol as a refuelling agent. -Acierocolotl * I do know I'm ready for the job. And, if not, that's just the way it goes. - George W. Bush * President G.W. Bush on the reception he received while the motorcade drove from the airport: "I'd like to thank the Canadians who came out to greet us waving - with all five fingers." * Y'know what sucks? Having to tell your father to be more careful about visiting porn sites. -ZoneGray * I went for an ultrasound on Wednesday.... I think I am giving birth to Skeletor. You know I told Gord that... And he said, "oh well, at least you get to live in a castle." -Sue * But one-sixth gravity on the surface of the moon is just delightful. It's not like being in zero gravity, you know. You can drop a pencil in zero gravity and look for it for three days. In one-sixth gravity, you just look down and there it is. -John Young * We now have the ability to develop the technology to allow us to control our own destiny, and I think we should do that. I think it would be very important in the long haul to try to keep civilization going. It's a pretty important bunch, a great gang we all belong to- the human race ... -John Young * I always liked what former Gov. Ann Richards said when informed there were demands that the large star on top of the state capitol come down. "Oh, I'd hate to see that happen," she drawled. "This could be the only chance we'll ever have to get three wise men in that building."' -Molly Ivins * He's an idiot, he can use it however he wants! -Cotton Hill, King of the Hill * Those who say it is impossible should not interrupt the one doing it. -ancient saying * That is the prime feature of man. He is the only being who can hate something out of love for another. -Sophia Rose Volpi, "White Fawn" * I wish Lucas & Co. would get the thing going a little faster. I can't really imagine waiting until 1997 to see all nine parts of the Star Wars series. -Randal L. Schwartz, 1982 (The last three parts were finished by 2019, after Disney bought the franchise) * We have been informed that on this network many people have given strong anti-Russian opinions, but we believe they have been misguided by their leaders, especially the American administration, who is seeking for war and domination of the world. -K. Chernenko, Moscow, USSR, 1984 (on USSR joining Usenet) * "What we are seeing is a consistent pattern," he said. "Whenever equality rights and religious rights collide, equality rights trump." -Vic Toews, Canadian Conservative party (he had a problem with this) * Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base Are belong to you -Unknown * "I would love to teach your children the art of painting watercolors," she said. "It has given me much joy, but it has also given me the means by which to make money." -"Racing Moon", Cassie Edwards * Canada is a land built on a tradition of equality and respect. It is the responsibility of Parliament to ensure that minority rights are uniform across the country. The government cannot, and should not, pick and choose which rights they will defend and which rights they will ignore. -Canadian Justice Minister Irwin Cotler * It's like how sociopaths are incapable of feeling empathy. They can maim and kill and torture people because they are hardwired not to understand that it's bad to do that. You can't fix these people, they are broken from the factory and need to be destroyed after studying how fucked up they are so we can identify and destroy them better in the future. -Brian Clevinger, Nuklearpower.com * You go to the movies and the trailers start up. Invariably, there's at least one (and as many as all) that depict a movie of such banality that you can't believe millions and millions of dollars were spent to make it when they could have been better spent by burning them to keep the homeless from freezing in the dead of winter. -Brian Clevinger, Nuklearpower.com * Given: Fusion creates energy. Energy then begets heat. Therefore COLD fusion makes cold energy that gives off COLD heat. But since we want warm, or "non-imaginary" forms of heat, we'd have to reverse it. The opposite of cold fusion is cold fission. See? That's why I needed Fighter. He was going to split the ice. Cold fission would make hot cold, and warm us in this desolate place. -Red guy, Nuklearpower.com * A real man only needs two tools. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. Iif it moves and it shouldn't, use duct tape. -seen in a hardware store * Ma'am, we're not going to go down there and enforce your Western Bacon Cheeseburger. -Distressed 911 operator to annoyed woman at a Burger King drivethrough * Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official... -Theodore Roosevelt * Testing, testing, testing. It's not about making your code better. It's about preventing me from bashing in your skull. -Eeyore * Dumb people cannot make jokes, so dumb people latch on to others people's jokes and think that if their joke is funny one time, then repeating it 1000 times makes it 1000 times as funny. -Richard Kyanka * If [the] bible proves the existance of God, then comic books prove the existance of Superheros. -Unknown * ...cause if a bullet cost $5000, there'd be no more innocent bystanders! -Chris Rock * We do offer a sort of sink-or-swim mentality on this team, but I mean, come on. If you sink like a stone but you're at least thrashing, we'll pull you up! If you just drop and wait for help, well... ;) -Tursi * When they say the mentally challenged should not procreate, you're the poster child. I can transfer you to that department if you like. -Gord (tormenting a terribly rude customer by pretending to be a gov't employee) * There is no such thing as consensus science. If it's consensus, it isn't science. If it's science, it isn't consensus. Period. - M. Crichton * And tomorrow it's lunch with the model. I hear she loves me and wants to marry me, but I only heard that because I talk to myself. -Gord * I find it is easier to pass without creating a dangerous situation in California because people are less likely to speed up and block you from passing them than just about anywhere on the eastern seaboard, where "Driving Defensively" seems to mean "Prevent the other drivers from scoring a touchdown. -Marten * Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -James Bovard * OFFSPRING A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. * THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. * If Wile E Coyote had enough money for all the Acme products, why didn't he just buy dinner? * Happy birthday! You look great for your age .... Almost lifelike! * How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? * The only thing that saves us from bureaucracy is inefficiency. An efficient bureaucracy is the greatest threat to liberty. - Eugene McCarthy * Only with the internet can a cookie craving spread around the world so quickly. -Tursi * "So I got really drunk, and ended up peeing on a bunch of expensive orcas." "... Don't you mean orchids?" "No. Orcas." -19 year old 'little brother' * Jon Stewart: "So no one's going to be held accountable for this at all?" Ed Helms: "No. In fact, if history is any indication, they'll be hard-pressed finding enough medals to pin on these guys. My sources tell me the head of FEMA will be dipped in bronze and turned into an award to be given to other officials. " * Ehmm.. reading through the comments, it's mostly just nerds trying to sound important about themselves. -Foxx regarding Slashdot * New shirt and pants: $120 Seven shots of tequila: $28 Ten more shots of tequila: $40 Drunken hallucination of fighting the battle of Helms Deep with a machine gun: PRICELESS -Rimmy * Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it. - Brian W. Kernighan * Today I got to play with a bloody heart! *smiles* Mix, I made you a little friend. -Nightpaw (claiming unrelated statements! ;) ) * It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. -Jack Handey * No specious or plausible pleas about a "war for democracy" can becloud the issue. Democracy can not be shot into a nation. It must come spontaneously and purely from within. -Schenck, 1918 * CONGRATULATIONS YOU WIN THANK YOU FOR ACTIVATING STICKYKEYS! -Nightpaw * Foxes are naturally curious....maybe it's because it gives them something to look forward to. -Todd Fox- * Old McBingo had a dog, and Farmer was his name-o... -Dhau * If you don't fail occasionally, you're not pushing your boundaries. -Sam Starfall, 'Freefall' * This tasted like a cherry and strawberry Romeo and Juliet, where the flavors died together in your mouth. -FoxxFire * What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man? -C. Montgomery Burns * Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. -C. Montgomery Burns * Republicans are simply acting in their own nature. Their modus-operandi has always been control and power but not because of selfish greed; they are driven by the fear that without control, society will simply collapse. They see us democrats and liberals not necessarily as enemies but as misguided fools who have too much faith in chance (or, 'steer the ship blindly'). Logic and science simply are less important to them to 'gut feeling,' so the game for them has never been to arrive to any truths, but simply win using whatever it takes. -Rabitguy * [Walmart] is like a black hole for white trash. -Tursi * If controlling access to allegedly 'dangerous' speech is important in promoting the positive psychological development of children, in our society that role is properly accorded to parents and families, not the State. -Judge Matthew S. Kennelly * No distractions. It's only by my steady hand that our random drifting is kept on course. -Sam Starfall, Freefall * Just a thought, but do you think the regular failure might be related to this other message we've been getting every day saying that our mailbox is 'over its limit'? -Anonymous * And people wonder why my desk has little head-shaped impressions in its surface. -Plonq * It took me two hours to comment it and I've still got bugs. -unknown in a computer lab * If your head was any bigger, I would feel sorry for who makes your hat. -Sigfried (Father of the Pride) * Sane people do not go to the Supreme Court of Canada to evict a cat -Mark Arnold, lawyer for a Toronto condo board suing a woman to remove the cat she had kept in her home for the past ten years, when they tried to escalate their lost case to the Supreme Court of Canada * An 'exidecimal is upon us, ye lads. Hard to port! -DigitalBath * Aside from the stupidity of this course of action this girl also had a weird affect so I asked if she was developmentally delayed. This thoroughly annoyed the girl and her mother but the dad said, "Well I can see why you might think that but no." -DocB * I'm going to point my finger at you and shake it. Are you ready? -A cop * My opinion is that if you're bored, it's because you're boring. -Steve Pavlina * Okay, now type 'ping... 69...' ... I don't choose the numbers! -Keiko * One of the great mysteries of the last six years was how and when the Bush Administration turned public policy into Special Olympics. -Kung Fu Monkey * There is a goddam world of difference between asking a man to risk his life to defend the nation and waste his life proving a point. -Kung Fu Monkey * This is a Unix email virus. It works on the honor system: If you're running a variant of Unix, please forward this message to everyone you know and delete a bunch of your files at random. Thank you for your cooperation. - pjl * Homer: That baby-proofing crook wanted to sell us safety covers for the electrical outlets. But I'll just draw bunny faces on them to scare Maggie away. Marge: She's not afraid of bunnies. Homer: She will be. * Religion and nationalism kill God and culture, they take abstract ideas that are impossible to define and restructure them into a system of fear and dogma. -Msondo * I think the name is quite interesting. Tomorrow if someone keeps a name like Saddam Mutton Shop or George Bush Footwear, there's nothing wrong with that, is there? -Anand Dhillon * "Were you scared when the shooter pointed his gun at you?". Why even ask that? What are people supposed to say, "Naw man. When I finish school I'm hoping to get work as a pencil, so I was just thinking 'Hey, free lead!'" Idiots. -Greg Zelmer * Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?" - Ernest Gaines * I think there's something wrong with my alarm clock; it keeps making this really loud noise in the morning! - Unknown * Quantum uncertainty never causes a lawnmower without gas to start. - Scott Adams * Most women who love horses started loving them as girls. To a girl, it is instinctive, natural and important- for survival and success- to learn to love, control and care for something larger and more powerful than herself. After all, that is what she must do her whole adult life. - Electro * There was Monique Gabrielle in Deathstalker II who redefined bad acting with a performance that would give the golden oscar man a migraine headache. -ChefElf * Oh, meltdown. It's one of those annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus. -Mr. Burns * And the end result is like spending time with an unpleasant drunken relative, managing to be loud, pompous and boring, while at the same time gross and sleazy. A situation that is ultimately uncomfortable and best avoided, and just leaves you feeling sad and hopeless. -Cobalt * My Recent Stint as a superhero was a dismal failure from the beginning. The big problem was trying to find something that was radioactive to bite me. Not only did I get kicked out of the cancer ward in the Hospital, but I now have the proportional speed, strength, and agility of a 60 year old smoker named Carl. -Vidi * It's worth remembering Star Raiders next time you hear Sony trying to convince us that good games cannot be made in less than 25 gigabytes of disk space... -Jeff Minter * The system that they had been maintaining was best summed up in a single word: miraculous. Not "miraculous" as in, an amazing suite of business applications that transformed productivity and caused profits to skyrocket. I mean "miraculous" as in, surviving after being shot twelve times, thrown from an airplane, landing on a rosebush with a hornets nest inside, dragged out to the river by a bear, carried downstream over Grade VI rapids, and spit out to the ocean for a three-day tread. -Alex Papadimoulis * Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. -Drew Carey * Hehe silly Mister Lion, that is how come God invented tomorrow. -Sciddles * Management is doing things right; Leadership is doing the right things. -Anonymous * By the time the universe goes dark, matter turned into dust from lack of energy to produce adhesion, and time lapses to stillness, by THEN, I might be ready to endure another Feb. -FoxxFire * Do you ever hear someone say "See that homeless guy asking for change so he can buy heroin? He's battling his own personal demons." No, only famous people get to battle demons. That bum is just a junkie. Maybe if he knew how to play guitar then demons would see fit to visit him. -Kevin McMillen * I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world. -Albert Einstein * I like change that doesn't feel new. I prefer old things that work instead of new ones that don't. And cats; I really like cats. . . -Hobbes * Well you think smurfs are small because of Gargamel, but guess what- Gargamel is really 80 feet high -Anonymous * Never been there [Hawaii], but my impression from playing Test Drive Unlimited is that it is very, very, very repetitive. :) -Rabitguy * My worst fear is one day my wife selling all of my stuff for what I told her I bought it for. -Decypher * So's a peacock, but you don't eat it till it's cooked! -Fry, Futurama * I dreamt it was sweeps week, and there was a prophecy about the end of the world coming true, and there was a crossover episode between Star Trek: The Next Generation and Tripping The Rift. (A completely sincere one, featuring TNG's live actors. Dear god.) -Ravenworks * This is up there with 'swim with dolphins' and 'play checkers with napoleon'. (I figure I'd win, since he's dead and all.) -Ravenworks * Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. -Unknown * Maybe you caught it [mononucleosis] from more than one source.... then it's stereonucleosis (where available). -dajagr * But there's no sense crying over every mistake You just keep on trying till you run out of cake -GlaDOS * The largest conspiracy of all time is perpetuated by the entire populace of the world, covering up the fact that there Are No Major Conspiracies. The fact is that this truth is so scary to us that we come up with horror stories to hide the real truth... that there is nobody driving this thing, and we are making it up as we go along, and have nobody to blame but ourselves. -Mortos * I'd feed my first born to wolves just to teach it a lesson that wolves and babies don't mix. -Wandy * Well, last flight to visit family, I sat all the way into the back... and there was a woman complaining about sitting in such a situation across the aisle from me. So I said, "Hey, at least you never hear about a plane BACKING into a mountain!" I recieved an odd look, and she was quiet the rest of the flight. -Rindimo * When I grow up, I want to be a principal, or a caterpillar. -Ralph Wiggum (Simpsons) * I can teach you in ten minutes how to take out an appendix. But it will take me four years to teach you what to do if something goes wrong. -Unknown * Most men, however, lack this subtle ability to enter the citadel of a man's beliefs arm in arm with the owner. They erroneously imagine that in order to take the citadel, they must storm it, batter it down by a frontal attack. What happens? The moment hostilities commence, the drawbridge is lifted, the great gates are slammed and bolted, the mailed archers draw their long bows - the battle of words and wounds is on. Such frays always end in a draw; neither has convinced the other of anything. -Dale Carnegie * The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling. -Sig Line on FA Forum User * It's because of the bloody democrats spreading a lie that 'children start off innocent but society corrupts them'. Its nothing like that, go outside. Kids are little bastards, it's up to society to make them into good people. -Comment on FA forums * Hope is a lot like alcohol, now that I think about it. Just the right amount gives you a nice buzz, but too much leaves you with a hangover. -elka_woof * Read the EULA. I could have shipped you a pizza instead, and I'd still be in the clear. -Flipper * Horror isn't about what is, but rather about what can be. It is like the dark sibling of hope. -Kommy * I can't tell you the key to success, but I can tell you the key to failure is to try to make everyone happy. -Bill Cosby * Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth. -Benjamin Disraeli * The only thing we have to fear is fear itself! ... and spiders. -Unknown * Every law abiding citizen should be able to get grenades, crack, plutonium, hippos and bazookas. If these things are made illegal then only criminals will have them. Laws are stupid. -TheRealRed5 * The thing that you people out of power have to remember is that the people in power are not secretly plotting against you. They don't need to. They already beat you in public. -Bill Maher * Deja vu happened. -Tursi * If someone draws a moustache on the Mona Lisa, I don't need to swing by the Louvre to see if it's good or not. -Flipper * Sex is something important, don't get me wrong, but I don't miss intimacy, I get it all the time. You and me, sitting here, this is as intimate as I need it to be. -Quoted by WolfBrotherSong * A farmer is a man out standing in his field. -Unknown * After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F -Amy * Jedi are very welcome to shop in our stores although we would ask them to remove their hoods. Obi-Wan Kenobi, Yoda and Luke Skywalker all went hoodless without going to the Dark Side. If Jedi walk around our stores with their hoods on, they'll miss lots of special offers. -Tesco spokesperson * Oh sure, all fun and games until it assembles and starts looking for John Connor. -Snig * Get in the car, honey. Get in the car and don't look back! We're driving to Canada where dog food doesn't talk and trees bleed delicious pancake juice. -Random Terrain * I went to Australia last year with work. The Immigration officer asked me if I had a criminal record. I didn't realise I still needed one. -Marv335 * The future of computing is its own past, mashed-up and remixed by young'uns who have yet to fear the dark corners, the places where us old farts went in with similar bushy-tailed attitudes and came out with ashen-faced, eyes barn-door wide and with fifty new words for "pucker." Heed us. The stove is hot if you touch it. The stove is not only hot, it will incinerate your soul. At some point you will want to make pancakes or wash dishes for a living rather than run another build or merge another check-in or fix another bug... -Dadhacker * Education is the only effective tool against fear... -James (Hack a Day) * There's no point in denying your past. By doing so, you deny that you have ever improved as a person and implicitly claim that you have always been perfect... -Tursi * Kid next to me in airport: 'Is Steve my Dad?' Mom: 'Yeah, unfortunately.' Kid: 'Why?' Mom: 'Who knows.' * It's like the T1000 sneezed all over the board! -Vomitsaw * I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can play together all night. -Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes * If everybody keeps drawing lines in the sand, eventually nobody will be able to move. -BuddyBuddies * You lot. You spend all your time thinking about dying, like you're going to get killed by eggs, or beef, or global warming, or asteroids. But you never take time to imagine the impossible: that maybe you survive. -The Doctor (Ninth) * No matter what you end up believing, don't disregard your need to be happy in THIS world. -Fisk * Most people who think they want privacy will give all their information away for 10% off at the shoe store. -heard on the radio * I am going to travel into the future and scowl at you. [pause] I have arrived. [scowls] -Roy (Father of the Pride) * There’s a light at the end of the tunnel. If you can’t see it, you need to march your butt down there and turn it on your damn self! -Soire's Mama * No matter how much you miss your owner, it's considered bad form to dig up and motorize their corpse. -Dvorak (robot from FreeFall) * Somebody asked why I don't like cooking with my kids... I told them I did not believe my kids would taste good enough to include in a meal..... -Vidi * The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it. -Michelangelo Buonarrito * God is not afraid of doubters. -aThinkingChristian * I don't know if I managed to spray the spider for long enough, but I'm pretty sure I got it right in the mouth. -Nina * It could be worse. That's not intended as praise- just a sigh of mild relief. -Mark Dujsik * Nothing really mattress... -unknown * Hey guys...I either deleted the virus or gave it admin rights. -IT Intern * When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up. -C.S. Lewis * So whatever you do, commit to it with confidence and don't worry about the consequences. -FiMFlamFilosophy * I haven't seen him like this since he evicted Grandma! -Cederick Sneer, 'The Raccoons' * I don't know if I want to belong to a club that won't even take a bribe! -Cyril Sneer, 'The Raccoons' * If you took the time to correct every idiot you came across, you'd never get anything else done in your life. -Pappy * Hilary: "What's an "Atari 2600""? Sally: "Think Playstation 3, but made out of Legos." -"Sally Forth" (12/27/06) * FFS, if they need to know how to behave, they can just ask me. I'm available any time to straighten the world out. -Enn Eff Gee * Sandy: Are you for real??! Enn Eff Gee: I'm not sure, how can I tell? Is there a test or something? Perhaps an online quiz? "Check this box. YOU EXIST!" * Working hard is of no use to someone who has no faith in himself. -Maito Guy * No, what makes somebody love, accept, and befriend their fellow man is letting go of a need to be /better/ than others. -Dan Pearce * I'd like to be alone with someone special, but everytime I do they catch on fire. -Cloudy Skies * Hokey Pokey Anonymous: A place to turn yourself around. * Marjan: Huge and scary hockey game on right now. Agent Bookfort: Awesome. is Pyramid Head playing against Joan Rivers? * There is a battle of two wolves inside us all: One is evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, lies, inferiority and ego. The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy and truth. The wolf that wins? The one you feed. -Cherokee Proverb * We censor ourselves all the time, because we are not entitled, sociopathic fucks. -Lindy West * Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to the ocean floor to pierce the Titanic. -Coworker Sean * Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. * He was as tall as a 6'3" tree. * Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. * From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. * John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. * Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. * He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. * The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object. * Just remember. The bad things don't replace the good things. And you have alot of good things. -The Doctor * You don't have to like it. I don't like it when it rains on my birthday. It rains anyway. -David Wong * Saying that you're a nice guy is like a restaurant whose only selling point is that the food doesn't make you sick. You're like a new movie whose title is This Movie Is in English, and its tagline is "The actors are clearly visible." -David Wong * Damn it, you have to kill those excuses. Or they will kill you. -David Wong * The circumstances of the world are continually changing, and the opinions of men change also. Government is for the living, and not for the dead; it is the living only that has any right in it. -Thomas Paine * That which can be destroyed by the truth should be. -P.C. Hodgell * Jealousy comes from counting others' blessings instead of our own. * You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life. -Winston Churchill * People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway. - Mother Teresa * Greatness isn't always about what you do in your life- but what you inspire others to do with theirs. -Dwayne Johnson * Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But shout it at them in German, because life is also terrfying and confusing. * Don't let someone who gave up on their dreams talk you out of yours. * After trying, I get it now. The Jaguar is a kit of ingredients by somebody who had never made a cake. The docs describe how great each ingredient will taste in a hypothetical 3D cake, but it's all from scratch, so only talented chefs need apply! Midway into mixing, you realize there's not enough flour and only a teaspoon of sugar and the eggs are rotten. Sure, a really great chef will still come up with something delicious. But it's not going to taste like Sony's instant brownie mix, and it's going to be a lot more work. -KSkunk on the Atari Jaguar * When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That's how doors work. * The master has failed more times than the beginner has even tried. * Don't you think I have enough to worry about right here? I don't even think about what other people are doing. -Gus Pieters * This is like a "I <3 Trekkies" t-shirt with C-3PO and R2-D2 giving each other a high five over the smouldering body of a cylon. -cyberscythe * Waldorf: That's what they call a 'medium' act. Statler: A 'medium' act? Waldorf: Yeah. It wasn't rare, and it wasn't well done! * Milton Berle: Listen, I've been a successful comedian for half my life! Waldorf: How come we got THIS half? * "Disorderly environments seem to inspire breaking free of tradition," Dr. Vohs and her co-authors conclude in the study, "which can produce fresh insights." * When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. * Complaining helps, too. The Angry Bacterias push out the Sick Bacterias, and then you're all better. *nods* -Agent Bookfort * God is more interested in "Spiritual Fruit" than "Religious Nuts". -www.godpaint.com * So I was in the bus with this granny by my side when we spotted two girls kissing by the bus stop. The granny turned to me and said "These girls are so pretty. At their age I was pretty ugly. Well, maybe that's why I had to marry a man." -unknown * Adults are only kids grown up, anyways. -Walt Disney * "What kind of herbage are you growing?" "Roses." "Those are legal now, you can grow them outside." -King of the Hill * I swear profusely when things are important ... wait, nevermind, I just swear profusely. - CPT Maurais during today's extra instruction. * Confidence isn't walking into a room with your nose in the air, and thinking you are better than everyone else, it's walking into a room and not having to compare yourself to anyone else in the first place. * If I had one hour to live, I'd spend it in this class because it feels like an eternity. -unknown * "There is no I in happyness <3" "Well, if you spelled it right there would be." -Facebook * (sighs) I am the ONLY person in the world who is not unique! -Catty * Why the f**k should I go to someone's funeral if they aren't going to attend mine? -Anonymized * I'm pretty "live and let live" with spiders and centipedes until they violate the terms of their stay (i.e. crawling on me, hiding in my clothes, or looking at me funny). -MrMephisto * How did we miss the oblivious? -IspytheGov * [I] just made some synonym rolls. -Pretty Boy * For him it was the best night of his life. For Princess Luna, Ruler of the Night for over 1000 years, it was Tuesday. -Cloudy Skies * Monosodium GlutaNightmare: result of Chinese take-out 4 hrs before bed -Ruina and Marjan * It costs nothing to encourage an artist, and the potential benefits are staggering. A pat on the back to an artist now could one day result in your favorite film, or the cartoon you love to get stoned watching, or the song that saves your life. Discourage an artist, you get absolutely nothing in return, ever. -Kevin Smith * ...for our younger readers, "arcades" were basically in-person multiplayer settings but with less racial slurs... -dorkly.com * The only difference between screwing around and science is writing it down. -Adam Savage * Wives come with sandwiches?? -Dan * The bravery of idiots is bravery nontheless! -Sontaran General * Think of how stupid the average person is, then realize that half of them are stupider than that. -George Carlin * Writing is hard for every last one of us... Coal mining is harder. Do you think miners stand around all day talking about how hard it is to mine for coal? They do not. They simply dig. -Cheryl Strayed * In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal. -Unknown * That’s like saying locking up books will inspire kids to be innovative writers, because they won’t be tempted to copy passages from a Hemingway novel. -Kyle Wiens * Complaining about blocking is like complaining that someone locked their door and won't let you come into their house to scream at them. -Jenny Trout * It's okay if you only know three chords, but God! Put them in the right order. -Hank Hill * It's a sign! We've been playing God with Buckley's trampoline, and now God's playing God with us! And He's a lot better at it! -Dale Gribble * Just because you have their attention, it doesn't mean you have their respect. -Dale Gribble * And while the future is fast coming for you, it always flinches first and settles in as the gentle present. -Welcome to Night Vale * I wonder if cows really get how good they taste? -Bobby Hill * This is a scale model of WAR. Every war, ever fought, right there in front of you. Because it's always the same. When you fire that first shot, no matter how right you feel, you have no idea who's going to die! You don't know whose children are going to scream and burn. How many hearts will be broken? How many lives shattered? How much blood will spill? Until everybody does what they're ALWAYS going to have to do from the very beginning: SIT DOWN AND TALK!! -Doctor Who * Man, the Jaguar forum should just be for fan fiction where everyone writes about how the Jag could have/should have conquered the world. -Brian * My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down. * I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain. * You can never lose a homing pigeon- if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon. * Some people say I have a good sense of humor, but they might just be joking about that. -Catty * He poisoned himself onscreen in a failed attempt to make a death scene appear more realistic. -Review of Calculon's death * If anypony needs me, I'll be at Sad Ponies Point near Attention Whore Creek. -Story Critique by The Hat Man * Former employees describe decoding SAP as like peeling an onion - it had multiple layers and made you want to cry. -Joe Castaldo * I thought you said your idea of heaven was french maids with licorice hair and gumdrop nipples? -Kelso, That 70's show * I hate being bipolar, it's awesome! -ValkerieSilk * It's like someone squeezed their hatred of me into a styrofoam cup. -Brownie Bun on Coffee * She's like a one-person Facebook argument. -Nostalgia Critic * Zaphod: There's a whole new life stretching out before you! Marvin: Oh no, not another one. * Well, I wish you would just get on with telling me instead of trying to engage my enthusiasm, because I haven't got one. -Marvin * Of course, leave it to a Canadian to reach international fame with a song called ‘Sorry.' -Justin Trudeau * You want to be offended, go home and be offended on your own [%#$@#$] time. -AlphaOmegaSin * Eagles don't flock. -Prince EA * Perch: Not "Sgt Perch Angel", Angel. Angel: I didn't say "Sgt Perch Angel Angel". There's only ONE Angel. Tucker: Ooh, thank Neptune for that. * Angel: If Sharky's wearing a purple 'huff' or something, we won't recognize him. Dodger: Angel, a 'huff' isn't something you wear, it's a mood. Angel: Is that something you ride around in? Maybe Sharky's riding around in a purple mood? Dodger: A mood is how you feel! Angel: Sharky feels purple? * Angel: Hey Elly, guess what! Elly: You have learned to fly. Angel: What? No! Elly: Well, you told me to guess and that is my first guess. Dodger: Um, why? Elly: If that penguin can be a bird who swims, why can not Angel be a fish who flies, hmm? * I don't care in the slightest, but I really like seeing you this happy. -Maud * This not only wins the Internets, the jury is still out on whether it needs to give them back. -Jac Goudsmit * Pandas were invented by the Chinese in the 1960s as a way of marketing food in America. -Cracked.com * Some people comment to add to the conversation. Some people comment so that they have added to the conversation. -Simone on Tested * Why do we trust all our money with a bank that doesn't trust us with their chained-down pens? -Catty * We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools. -Martin Luther King Jr. * Smoking areas in restaurants are like peeing areas in swimming pools. -Unknown * I don't know what seasons are and they sound like a social construct to me. -Joeseph Fink, 'Welcome to Nightvale' * New password requirement: "Your password must contain at least 8 characters, a capital, a plot, a protagonist with good character development, a twist & a happy ending." -Kalizecora * Nobody even uses millimeters! That only makes you taller than me in Canada! -Dipper Pines * Hipster Jesus loved you before you were cool. -Church Sign * I've been nice to every living creature in my cottage all day long. Pet me. -Fluttershy (unofficial) * Ma'am, I can do anything. I own a game store. -Gord * If you only see one solution, you don't understand the problem. -Robert Grosblatt * Translation: “It’s easy, Granny. Just rev to 6000, dump the clutch, and use wheel spin to get round the first corner. Up to third, then trail brake onto the freeway, late apexing but watch the marbles on the inside. Hard up to fifth, then handbrake turn to make the exit.” -Steve Bennett * "Were you EVER nice?" "1985. Worst year of my life." * The first few weeks of any job are just figuring out how a program works even if you're familiar with every single language, framework, and standard that's involved, because standards are unicorns. -stilldrinking.org * This is what it is to learn programming. You get to know your useful tools, then you look around, and there are some handy new tools nearby and those tools show you the bottomless horror that was always right next to your bed. -stilldrinking.org * Yeah, it's like sitting in a moist tub with strangers. It's like the bus but wet. -Stan Pines (on public pools) * What business has a tree with such sparkling? -Marigold Heavenly Nostrils * I make arbitrary decisions based on numbers I like. -Aeryn Christie * When you were a baby you tried to walk and fell down every time. Were you a walking impostor? Who are you to walk!? You can’t even do it! It’s absurd! -Kyle Eschenroeder * I like my coffee like I like my nights: dark, endless, and impossible to sleep through. -Cecil, Welcome to Nightvale * Chicken soup so lovingly prepared that even the chicken gets well. -Fraiser * Even if being gay was a choice... so what? People choose to be assholes, and THEY can get married! * What an odd aroma. It smells like a fish died and all the other fish sent flowers. -Niles Crane * Why would it upset me? I taught him everything he knows. -Palmela Voorhees, on Jason taking over in sequels * Went into that calc test fairly confident. Came out not even sure how exactly numbers work. -Technochild89 * Never become too good at something you hate. -PrinceEA * On the way out you'll see a sign that says "Come again". Feel free to disregard it. -Robert * You can't blame yourself for letting someone into your heart. -Frasier * Like setting a Michael Bolton song to a Bossanova beat cranked out of a Casio, this made something bad even worse. -Josh Tyler * I even tried one of those suppositories... didn't work and it tasted like shit! -AvE * The only time you should look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. * An "ist" is a person full of hate for others. Talk to a receptionist some time. "How can I direct your call?" Meaning, "I'm too important to talk to your sorry ass, let me hand you off to one of my clueless-ass cow-orkers." -Anubi Titus * That’s one reason I don’t miss IT, because programmers are very unlikable people... In aviation, for example, people who greatly overestimate their level of skill are all dead. -Philip Greenspun * God walks out of the room when you're thinking about money. -Quincy Jones * You’ve got to respect the gift God gave you by learning your craft. -Quincy Jones * Don't only practice your art, but force your way into its Secrets. For it and Knowledge can raise men to the Divine. -Ludwig van Beethoven * This house is older than your family. It can benchpress you. -Moami * Your boos are not scaring me. I know most of you are not ghosts. -Tracy Jordan * If Batman had a pet bat, then it would be called The Bat-bat, and that is why I will never respect him. -an 8 year old's devastating take down of a formerly beloved franchise * Normality is a crowd-sourced fantasy. -The Social * You're talking like a song from The Lion King! -Hank Hill * I talk about Santa all that I want. Is very magical man. -Boris Badenov * Kali: "Don't be so stubborn!" Ace : "Don't be so wrong!" * You know, Leo never liked phones. He said he could hear voices in them. -Hyde * [A hangover is] your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity. -Red Foreman * When my time comes, I wanna be buried face down, so that anyone who doesn't like me can kiss my ass. -Red Foreman * The gym, or as I like to call it: The institute of things I can't do. -Eric Foreman * Well, I'd like to help, but not as much as I'd like not to. -Red Foreman * The truth is that we are all winging it, and that's okay! -Prince EA * I don't know the answer. Only idiots know the answer! -Doctor Who * Yaks know things not forever. That's why smash and rebuild! -Yona * The problem is: you think you have time. -Buddha * It’s important to be kind. You can’t know all the times that you’ve hurt people in tiny, significant ways. It’s easy to be cruel without meaning to be. There’s nothing you can do about that. But you can choose to be kind. Be kind. -Old Lady * A good design is easier to change than a bad design. -Dave Thomas, summing up all design methodologies * Love with your heart, use your head for everything else. -Captain Disillusion * Thin mints are like grass - you just graze. -Ethan * People are really annoying, and they hate being told that! -Sonja on TV * Nobody knows anything. -William Goldman * We correct in fiction what life got wrong. -Phoebe * People are always trying to make complicated things simple. It's a noble cause. But in the end, some things are just fucking difficult to do. Bummer, but it's true. -Peter M * The 80s is dripping off this like a Reagonomics episode of He-Man. -Nostalgia Critic * I know it sounds ridiculous, but it's almost like the hairstyle doesn't matter! - John Oliver * Just be normal, that's crazy enough! - unknown * That's nothing! Once I waited a whole year for September! - Fozzie Bear * Power flows to the one who knows how, desire alone is not enough! - Megatron * Why is this script just a giant pachinko machine? - GamingMagic13 * It's for charity! Widows and orphans... we need more of them. - Morticia Addams * You wake up and the first thing you think is "Why?" - Oliver Wonderful * Every single day, I wake up and I can’t believe I still get to be Weird Al. - Weird Al Yankovic * P: What are the kids doing? M: Digging. P: Why? M: That's the first part of the game. P: What's it called? M: No witnesses. - Pinkie and Maud * M: Do you think she's going to be a problem? C: The exact opposite, sweetie. She's a problem solver. I just hope we aren't a problem, or a solution to one. - Marble and Cloudy * But I remind you: this movie was made by the species that pays for bottled water. - Possum * They're like Fraggles, they just pop up out of nowhere. - Alex Meyers * Sir, to me a robot's just a garbage can with sparks shooting out of it. - Old Man Waterfall * I'm a veteran of three dozen wars. Name a body part and a planet, and I've taken a bullet in it, on it. - Old Man Waterfall * Are you familiar with the old robot saying "DOES NOT COMPUTE"? - Bender * It doesn't stop being magic just because you know how it works. - Terry Pratchett * They're wrong, of course, as is anyone who ever writes anything on the internet. - RoseTintedSpectrum * The child believes the world should be perfect and is outraged to discover it is not. And the child is right. - Rabbi Tzvi Freeman * Newt? Aren't they those little creepy crawling things? - Madeline Not after you cook them! - Morticia * I’m sorry I’m so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! - Rose