To:REWRITTEN BY FLIPPER From:FLIPPER Date:29 May? Carolina sat, pondering her options. If she could somehow sneak onto that ship, she might be able to get a ride back to Earth, and could look for Flipper. She took a sip of her water, and thought some more. Suddenly the door to the bar banged open, and a woman stepped in, wearing black leather lingere, leather boots, studs, and carrying a whip. "All right!" she yelled. "I'm here for the new recruits! You got five minutes to sign up, then I'm leaving!" A crowd of women suddenly formed around her, screaming and yelling. Carolina looked with interest. If she was 'recruited', she could get onto the ship. If she got a 'customer', she could always explain to him why she was really there, and give him his money back, and she was sure he'd understand. Decision made, she got up and rudely pushed her way through the crowd. She signed her name onto a piece of paper, and was shoved outside the door of the bar, where she joined the other 'recruits'. "Time's up!" yelled Melissa, cracking her whip to drive off the women who still crowded around her. She turned and came outside. "GET INTO A LINE!" she screamed. Quickly the new recruits formed into a reasonably straight line. Melissa began explaining about their new duties, the training sessions they'll get, as well as basic lessons on looks, makeup, and so on. "I don't know why you even bothered," whispered a tall, red-skinned woman with webbed fingers to Carolina. "*I* was told the boss prefers redheads." She shook her head, allowing her long hair to toss back. Carolina blushed in embarrassment. "For instance," emphasized Melissa, pointing at Carolina, "you, the white one, are wearing too much rogue!" Carolina blushed even deeper. "Now," continued Melissa, "comes the last part of your recruitment. The boss himself is going to interview you, so you'd better do your best to impress him, or it's back to waiting tables for you!" To:I'LL GET TO IT... From:FLIPPER Date:If you were paying attention, you'd know when today became the 29th. Flipper was not in a good mood. He'd been having a delightful dream in which a bevy of mermaids pleased him in a warm salt sea, when his intercom suddenly rang and woke him. "WHAT!?" he roared. "Roxanne is back with the recruits, sir." "God damn it," replied Flipper. "I'll be in my office in five minutes." His office was fairly small, but it contained not only his desk, but a small metal chair opposite his huge plush one, a bed in the corner, and a bevy of sexual aids promenently displayed on a rack. Flipper used this office exclusively for 'testing' new recruits, determining not only their knowledge and looks, but occasionally performing 'test runs'. The latest collection of recruits had been most disappointing, especially after the dream he'd been woken up from. He gazed hopelessly at the new recruit who had just walked in. She was about 5'8" tall, and perfectly built. Blonde hair fell to her waist, and she was well-proportioned. Her skin was silver, but otherwise she could have been a human world beauty pagent winner. Flipper, still thinking of his dream, noted in his book that she didn't have a tail. "What's this?" he asked, holding up a bizarre looking instrument. Prongs and clamps jutted out at all angles. The woman gazed at it. Roxanne had told her she could be tested on sexual devices. "It's a universal penetrator," replied the woman with confidence. "WRONG!" replied Flipper, pressing a button on his desk. A trap door opened, and the woman plummetted down to join the ship's refuse back on the base. Flipper replaced the device, which was indeed a universal penetrator, and shook his head. He hadn't liked any of the recruits so far. "Send in the next one," he bellowed into the intercom. To:ALL From:FLIPPER Date:If you were paying attention, you'd know when today became the 29th. Carolina waited nervously. She knew she was next, and after hearing the sorts of things the 'boss' might want to try, she got the definite impression she had made a mistake. Roxanne interrupted her thoughts. "Get in there! You're next!" A door slid open, and Carolina meekly walked into a room. "I think there's been a mistake," she started. "I don't think I'm right for this." Flipper spun his chair around to face her, and her jaw dropped. "Why not?" he asked. 'Now we're getting somewhere,' added his mind. He looked her up and down, lingering his gaze in various places. "Flipper?" asked Carolina in shock. Flipper stood up. "YOU may call me 'sir'," he replied crossly. "Yes," he replied. "I think you'll do just fine. You get room 432. I'll see you when I'm done here." He handed her a passcard and pressed the intercom buzzer. "This one's good, take her to room 432 and send in the next one." Roxanne entered and grabbed Carolina. Carolina was too shocked to do anything but follow. The next woman entered. Flipper didn't even look at her before pressing the dump button. "The rest pass," he said into the intercom. "I'm done for the day." He got up and headed for room 432. * * * Carolina inserted her card into the slot at her door and waited. The door made rude and suggestive slurping noises, then ejected the card with a digitized sigh of pleasure. Carolina looked at the card, and left it there. She entered the room. The room was lush, with a huge poster bed in the corner, and a small bathroom replete with hot tub and shower. Then the door slid open and Flipper walked in. To:I KNOW, I KNOW. LAST ONE TODAY... From:FLIPPER Date:If you were paying attention, you'd know when today became the 29th. "I quit early today," began Flipper. "Now let's see how good you really are." He advanced towards Carolina, allowing his intentions to be protrudingly clear. Carolina's eyes opened wide. "Wait!" she called. "What are you doing? Flipper, don't you recognize me? What's happened to you?" Flipper's eyes narrowed, and he stopped. "Listen, woman," he grated. "I'm NOT in the best mood right now, so don't go crossing me. Now, I want you to get into that hot tub, and get yourself ready for me. That's why you're here, and if you don't like it, get out!" "But, Flipper," replied Carolina, looking at him sadly. "You said you'd always love me, you'd always need me." She sounded next to tears. Flipper was furious. Never had he faced such insolence. "Hear me well," he stated, measuring his words from between clenched teeth. "I don't need love, and I don't need YOU." He turned and stalked out the door. Carolina stared at the closed door for a long time. "I need you," she whispered. A tear rolled down her face. * * * "OOOOH, Flipper!" moaned Melissa, in a combination of pain and pleasure. "You're sooo rough tonight!" Flipper grunted in annoyance, and continued ignoring the voice which had started chiding him in his head since he left Carolina. To:I ATE LEMON CHICKEN AT MIDNIGHT From:FERAL FERRET Date:When you weren't looking, it became the 30th of May. The ride up to through the atmosphere was rough, but the little ship was surprisingly agile and dealt with the buffetting like it was a merry jaunt through a carwash. Steiner idly tossed the craft into a parking orbit, while he paused to ponder his alternatives. The scanners were beginning to pick up the ship to be boarded, and at the range the scanners were actually detecting the metallic anomalies, it must have been one truly massive object... almost the size of a largish moon. "Flipper!" growled Steiner between clenched teeth, "this is gonna cost you!" They stayed in the orbit, merely waiting the deathstar's advance. --- "Sir!" cried Admiral Clamdancer, carefully keeping his thoughts to himself. "An enemy fleet has been detected, but there is something most odd about it..." PeeWee Pinrut, despot of thirtyfive thousand worlds, ruler-to-be of many more, shot a column of flame at the good Admiral's feet. The Admiral, true to his name, danced as if clams were nipping at his toes. (He was recruited from the enterainment planet of Nipoloni, where he was eking out an existance as a court jester) "Yes sir!" he cried, hopping about, trying to avoid the hot spots on the floor. "The planet owns three ships: A large space-yacht, which escaped our notice until it flew off to a nearby port, and a landed escape pod, completely useless." "The third, little boy?" asked Pinrut, a look of boredom creasing his features. "It's a tiny ship, little larger than a four-man scout, and it's in a parking orbit around the planet, waiting for us." "Do you know what the word for today is, boys and girls?" asked Pinrut of some empty space. Hearing no reply, he continued: "The word for today, boys and girls, is MASSACRE!" Three thousand hidden speakers in the room's inanimate objects began screaming at the tops of their lungs. Admiral Clamdancer, visibly shaken, ducked out of the room. To:ALEX TREBEK'S TORTURE. From:FERAL FERRET Date:When you weren't looking, it became the 30th of May. It hove into sight, and it was clear, when it managed to eclipse a large portion of the planet, that it was unimaginably huge. Naturally, when an author has just stated that something is so mindboggingly huge as to be unimaginable, he or she must then make an attempt to convey just how huge this thing really is. Very well. Imagine that you are standing on the surface of this ship, and that surface of this ship is relatively smooth (which it is.) The "horizon" of the ship (it has one, after all, since it's a sphere) would be so far that the surface of the ship would appear to be smooth. Something coming over the horizon, say, with the same size as Steiner's ship, would be, to a human with 20/10 vision, be undetectable without alot of serious magnification. In other words, it was one mutha huge ship. Big. Beeeeeeeeeg. --- As it began to fill up the viewscreen of Steiner's fighting craft and had not even begun to be within a month's drive away by car, even Plopper was abnormally silent. Janne, who could only goggle at the size of it, was the first to speak after five minutes of silence. "Soooooooo, you want to attack that thing?" she asked, staring at the size of the ship in sheer disbelief. "Well..." muttered Steiner, feeling for the first time, regret. Sequoia managed to regain her wits. "Look," she said, as they sat there, "they're sending the entire armada at us." Indeed, radar was beginning to pick up countless number of ridiculously miniscule forms. The forms themselves were nothing but miniscule; they were full-fledged battleships, some of them over three kilometers in length and massing in at many, many millions of tonnes. "It's okay!" she cried. Steiner and Janne glared at her quite archly. "Well, neither of you have been around, obviously!" she cried. The glares darkened and intensified. "Oh, shit," she said with a streak of defensiveness in her voice, "Just let me drive, willya?" To:MY LOVE AND MY AGONY From:FERAL FERRET Date:When you weren't looking, it became the 30th of May. In the universe, there was, perhaps, one maxim that evolution upheld everywhere: Bigger Is Better. For example, there are the aforementioned HyperRhinos, which are creatures with the mass and bulk of a Terran blue whale, but move with surprising grace for an animal so large. They can only inhabit deserted runways and other, hardened concrete surfaces, but were an amazing evolutionary adaption to an ages-old problem: whaddaya do with old runways? There are also the Quloogians, creatures which were born in stars and reared in space, creatures which motor about in space, living on space debris. Space is their milieu, and they understood it well, for it was their mother and their master. Some of the larger Quloogians could outmass a Pinrutian MotorScooter (what he called the larger of the battleships) and outgun it as well, for the Quloogians had known of the art of hurling twisted shards of metal at great speed through space. PeeWee, in his extensive travels through space, and through contact with 35,000 different races, had seen the same thing over and over: the people (or critters, as the case may be) who rose up to do combat with him invariably did one thing: they built large ships. It was almost as if there was some sort of PCness envy going about; he or she or it or whatever who built the largest ship would be the one everyone looked up to. PeeWee was quite content, knowing that nothing the size of his Playhouse could be constructed now without the universe knowing about it. He'd already destroyed many of the competitors, including the Quloogians, with whom he'd been exceptionally ruthless. Besides, they were ugly, too. The whole point of this, of course, is that precious few people ever brought tiny ships into combat, since they didn't speak well of the people who fielded them. Admittedly, the ship Steiner was flying was decades ahead of its time, but most races would scoff at it and refuse to build one, simply because it looked so tiny, that it inspired little awe or fear in the eyes of commanders who might be scoping it with radar. To this end, all large combat ships had been fitted with weapons designed to fight large combat ships. The huge, terawatt lasers and torpedo launches were simply incapable of tracking and firing at such a tiny ship as Steiner's. To:EVER DANCED ON THE DARKSIDE OF THE MOON WITH YOUR UNDERWEAR? From:FERAL FERRET Date:When you weren't looking, it became the 30th of May. Sequoia, being a woman of the world, universe, whatever, knew this full well, when she clouted Steiner on the snoot and wrested the controls from his grasp. With a vicious punch of throttle and engaging all sixteen afterburners, the shuttle hurled itself right in the middle of the advancing fleet. Many radar beams crisscrossed, searching for a target to fire on, and many self-guided torpedos were launched. The torpedos, the smallest being six times larger than the combat ship, were given a miniscule computer. These torpedos were programmed not to hit anything that wasn't larger than itself, which prevented torpedos from seeking each other out and destroying each other. They were also programmed to avoid striking friendly ships. Since the computers were quite simple, they had no way of knowing that the tiny ship wasn't just another torpedo, and since there were no obvious targets to strike, the torpedos weaved crazily inside the fleet, utterly ruining any hope of identifying the combat ship by radar. "We lost 'im!" cried Admiral Clamdancer, desperately trying to prevent himself from thinking about the base's cheezy name. "We're returning to base; he probably ran." The entire fleet began filing back into the deathstar, and Sequoia, not seeing anything better to do, attached the ship like a limpet to the bottom of one of the larger battleships, and entered the deathstar as well. To:BOOMING From:FERAL FERRET Date:Naturally, when you were standing there, stunned, it became the 31st. Off in a bar, a short, thin man sat, a phial of some disgusting-coloured, foul-smelling, viscous fluid in his hand. He didn't sip from it; he merely used the vapours wafting from the glass to shoot down passing insects. Yessuh, it was one bizarre place, this bar was, more crazed than the many bars he'd been in. He was an experienced traveller; a worldly and wordy man, and had seen more sights in the three decades of his life than most people could even dream up. Throughout it all, he managed to keep a somewhat level head and certainly, a most bizarre sense of humour. He smirked wryly when the bar deserted at the news of the Pleasure Craft landing. This was when his best business came. "Sir?" asked a huge, unimaginably muscular woman. The man smiled warmly and rose up, transferring the drink to his left hand. "Bo!" he said, the smile receding to more humane limits, "Good to seeya!" He pointed at a nearby stool and sat down again. "Do you have the goods?" she asked, her bass voice rumbling the nearby tables and the glasses that they groaned to support. "Ayuh," he said,tapping the crate he sat on with the side of his hand. "Got the cash?" She plopped a briefcase on the bar and flipped it open. Had anyone else been inside the bar, they'd have seen a largish briefcase stacked full with thin iridium wafers. It was the only money he accepted. He didn't even bother looking at it; he just flipped the lid shut and tucked the case under his arm. "Hereya go, toots," he slurred, debating whether or not he should pinch the steroid-freak's buttocks. A quick glance at her bulging bicep hastily convinced him against that course of action. With surprising ease, she hefted the crate marked "GUNs from Mexico, Terra" onto her shoulder, and marched towards the door. Turning back, she stared at his smallish form, leaning casually against the bar. "Good to do business with you, Mr. Kramodac," she said, and turning about again, headed back to her ship. To:PHAW... LIKE *I* WOULD BE UNPREPARED. From:PHANTOM Date:Naturally, when you were standing there, stunned, it became the 31st. Pee-wee Pinrut sat in his control chair, staring deep into the depths of his gem that he held in front of him. A tiny crest of red fire swept around the gem, and if one looked closely through the jet black helmet Pee Wee wore (made by Vuarnet) one might be able to see the a piercing light matching the fire that traced it's way around Pee Wee's eyeball. Pee Wee sat like that for hours, watching the progress of the battle... Seeing everything that was going on both on the planet surface and in it's orbit above it. Yes, these were definitely the trickiest opponents he had ever faced so far, but still, they were not to be good enough to defeat him.... After all, they apparently appeared to be unable to take advantage any breaks that they were given quickly enough. They had a week to prepare for his arrival, during which he pointedly stayed from interfering, and yet their plans to take over his Playhouse were as scattered as the brain of a terran politician. A smile broke his lips... "Like I would be unprepared for their foolish attempts.... How little they knew..." He leaned back into his seat again and slowly the flame began to burn around the gem again, as Pee Wee Pinrut, most feared, most powerful, most hated, and most badly dressed man in the universe divided his attentions between the pitiful advances of the three fools who stole into his Playhouse, and the pleasure-yacht that orbited the planet still. "Fools... You want to play? Come to my Playhouse and I'll show you how to play by my house rules..." Mocking laughter rang through the deathstar, shaking even the most stalwart of it's crew a little bit. To:TOCCATA AND FUGUE IN D MINOR From:FERAL FERRET Date:You all fell for the sucker-punch when June the 1st, 1993 came around. They sat in the awesome silence that ensued when all were aboard the gigantic construct. "So, what's next," asked Steiner of Sequoia. She appeared to be entirely engrossed in the landing maneouvers of some of the larger ships. "Wait," she said, as the ship they were attached to was hooked up to crane, and gently hauled through the inside of the base. Off in the distance, many smaller-sized landing platforms could be seen, about perfect for a ship of their size. The last of the larger ships were landing and being coupled to a myriad number of pipes and ducts, pumping in vital life-fluids to the attack vessels. Before Steiner could even begin to drink in the awesome sights, Sequoia had knocked loose the magnetic grippers and kicked on the maneouvering engine. Punched back into their seats, the people could only watch as Sequoia hauled the craft towards a nearby maintenance pad, matching her position almost exactly with a coupling unit which had moved to attach itself with their host battleship. A freak air-current caught the ship and knocked it out of position. Almost immediately, klaxons blared inside the base, and thick steel doors descended down upon the landing pads. With a vicious snarl, Sequoia stabbed the firing stud, and multiple streams of red-hot depleted uranium shells arced out and collided with the doors, slagging a huge hole in no time flat. She ducked the shuttle inside and set it down. "Everybody out," she muttered, and Terra's First Imperial Troopers, all three of them trooped out. Plopper, well, he plopped out. It must have been fate. Just in front of them was a room with "CAUTION" stamped on it, not sixty meters away. In between them and the door, however, were thirty heavily armed and armoured soldiers. To:STEINER, NCO From:FERAL FERRET Date:You all fell for the sucker-punch when June the 1st, 1993 came around. "Aw, jeez!" griped Steiner, hauling out his GUN, dialing it to full auto, and ducking behind a landing strut. Sparks clanged and whanged off the ship as tonnes of ammo streaked out, crashing into the floor, the strut, the walls, and the ship itself. The concrete floor was getting badly pocked, the ship itself seemed pretty intact. Steiner spun about to snap off a burst, when he saw something which had made him pause. Janne, apparently, had popped the ejection lever, catapulting herself behind the mass of men, and had beaten a large number of them about the head with her bastard sword. The armour of their helmets protected them against the blade of the weapon, but the power of her strikes was enough to stun, and repeated blows enough to incapacitate. Sequoia had taken a stance inside the cockpit, and was hurling daggers as fast as she could wield them, generally catching men in the faceplates or groins, and clearing out men almost as quickly. Plopper had plopped himself on the head of another, and was beating his head against a concrete wall. Steiner stepped completely out of cover, and taking a wide stance, began firing his GUN at the nearest target. He did the funky chicken against the hail of lead, dancing about and dropping his weapon. Steiner, quite awed by the impact, stopped to change magazines. When he looked up again to resume firing, everybody had stopped to look at him, shock etched into their faces. The man he'd fired upon looked up at him, and Steiner could swear, that through the helmet, he saw fear. "No more, no more of that, man!" yelled the soldier, putting up his hands. His armour was badly scuffed, and he wound find himself badly bruised in some rather sensitive spots in the morning. "My ears are ringing," griped Janne, as she sheathed her sword and helped a man she'd been beating on to his feet. Sequoia jumped down and began retrieving her knives, marvelling at the accuracy at which she'd been able to throw. None of the armour had been pierced by her knives, but the armour did appear to be softer there, and a lot of men would be bruised and tender for awhile. "Uhh, don't move," she said, "or we'll make Ugh there shoot the Ear Buster again!" The men, with various looks of fear and pain, lined up against the wall, hands in sight. Plopper plopped off his victim, and danced an intricate fandago around Steiner. To:PAA KLISJE? NAW... From:FERAL FERRET Date:You all fell for the sucker-punch when June the 1st, 1993 came around. Sequoia, followed closely by Janne, strode comfortably into the room marked CAUTION, with only a brief second or two spent picking the lock. Steiner strode backwards, waving the GUN at the men, and grumbling to himself inaudibly about rubber bullets. Inside the room, the women were faced with a dizzying array of switches. "What do... uhh," muttered Sequoia, looking thoughtfully about. Plopper solved the issue. He jumped up on one console, and began plopping about, stamping on random switches as he did so, wending his way across the console, then leaping about and stomping on the other set of switches on the other console. The lights in the place went out, the fire sprinklers came on intermittantly, the sewage systems all backed up and began dumping refuse all throughout the ship, and "BEDTIME!" klaxons began ringing throughout the entire deathstar. Soldiers all throughout the place began scurrying about in complete dismay, and none of them had much fight left anymore. Well, all except on, anyway. Peewee glared evilly, having been caught napping. Things weren't going quite as smoothly as planned. It mattered little now, he would deal with the problem before it was too late. Drawing his black cloak about him in a dramatic gesture, PeeWee Pinrut stepped forward and out, preparing to deal with the intruders himself. To:YEAH, RIGHT... PEE WEE DOESN'T NEED TO DO IT. HE HAS HELP. From:PHANTOM Date:It's the first... Le premier... Numero uno.... 1st... of June. Pee Wee Pinrut smiled... Far from the frustrated and concerned leader that so many unbelievers viewed him as. It would take more than several fire sprinklers and flashing lights to make anyone feel nervous, let alone him. He was a trained leader, and the men that followed him were veterans in combat. It was only a matter of designating responsabilities to the men with the proper skills. Five minutes later, Pee Wee stood in front of the three newest members of his staff that he had been flying in from the latest planet they had conquered. A veterinarian, a man who specialized in hamsters, and a technician of very dubious nature. He sent each off with a specific job in mind. * * * Janne, Sequioa, and Steiner fanned out in the room, positioning themselves so that they would be able to pepper anyone who entered the door so many times that by the time they set foot in the room, that would be the only part of their body left identifiable. Plopper continued to plop. In fact, he was getting quite enthused about this whole idea. He Plop Plop Plopped his way over the control panels... exhilerating himself.... Several minutes passed with Plopped still plopping, and nothing much else happening beyond that. Sequioa looked at Steiner with annoyance, "Why aren't they coming?" Steiner shrugged, and looked back at Plopper again with a look of amusement. His look of amusement promptly changed to one of horror, however, as he saw, in slow motion, as Plopper lept from the reverse toggle switch on the suction toilets into the air, slowly did a mystifying double twist in a pike position, and then just as slowly came back down, landing with a satisfying 'Plop!' on a button that activated the automatic self-destruct sequence. As sirens began to blare anew, Plopper found himself being the centre of attention in this very small room filled with very small people. He half-heartedly plopped up and down several times... (Worship me), but achieved no response. Deciding to cut his losses, Plopper quickly plopped to the ground as quickly and quietly as he could and sped out of the room as fast as his plops could carry him. Close behind him ran three rather distressed individuals.... To:MESS WITH ME EH? From:PHANTOM Date:It's the first... Le premier... Numero uno.... 1st... of June. The control room was bare of movement now, except for the flashing sirens and the blaring lights of the control panel, signifying an imminent galactic disaster... The door to the room slowly opened, and the fat, balding technician wandered in, wearing a white shirt with a over one breast and a pair of scruffy blue jeans. He stood there, taking in the flashing lights and the screaming sirens, and then, in a nerve-wracking decision, chose to scratch the itch on his stomach first before scratching the itch on his butt. Having done that, he sat down, put his feet up on the console, and began to drift off... "Heh, and they thought I'd never get another job. Showed them!" Just as his eyes closed, a female computer voice rang through the station, "THERE IS EXACTLY ONE MINUTE UNTIL NUCLEAR SHUTDOWN OCCURS. DANGER! DANGER! ABANDON SHIP!!" The technician's eyes jumped open and he jumped out of his seat, stunning himself when he hit his head on an overhead viewscreen. "Doh!!! Not again!! Quick, where's the manual!?!?" He groped around the room for several seconds before pulling out a huge hardcover book that was about the size of your average university chemistry textbook. "AAAGH!!!!" "THERE IS NOW 20 SECONDS UNTIL NUCLEAR SHUTDOWN OCCURS. RUN AWAY! He quickly flung the book aside and stared at the blinking lights on the panel... Sweat began to bead on his forehead, and his eyes began to bulge even farther out... "What to do? What to do?" He sat down in the chair, extended a finger, and made his decision... "Eenie, meenie, minie, moe. Catch a tiger by a toe...." "THERE IS NOW 5 SECONDS UNTIL NUCLEAR MELTDOWN OCCURS. PUT YOUR HEAD BETWEEN YOUR LEGS AND KISS YOUR ASS GOODBYE. HAVE A NICE DAY." ".... eenie, meenie, minie.... MOE!!!" The technician pressed a button, and all the lights dimmed back to normal.... The technician slowly slumped back into his seat... "Mmm.... Doughnuts...." To:WELL MR LILLY, THEY'VE TOLD US THE WHOLE STORY. From:FLIPPER Date:It's the first... Le premier... Numero uno.... 1st... of June. Flipper slept, but he was having a bad dream. In his dream, he stood at the bridge of his brand-spanking new deathstar, just liberated for him by Steiner. Steiner had meekly refused any reward, and was outside polishing the crome. Steiner's woman, Janne and Sequioa, had joined Flipper's band of women, and were huge money makers. Then the white dolphin came along. Carolina. She stood before him, flippers on her hips, and merely shook her head sadly. Flipper could no longer command. He opened his mouth to have Carolina thrown off the ship, but only squeaks and whistles came out. Suddenly Melissa stood before him. "What's wrong?" she taunted. "Becoming a goody or something?" Melissa turned into Roxanne, who kicked him with her sharp, 6 inch spikes. Hurt and bleeding, Flipper found he could only squeal. "Lousy wimp," she spat, turning into Janne. She drew her sword. "You don't have what it takes for this, dolphin!" she said with a mighty swing. Carolina shook her head sadly, as Flipper woke up with a start. He turned on the light and sat quietly in his room, shaking. * * * Inside Flipper's mind, a covert operation was taking place. His good, normal, cetacean personality had been set free when Plopper destroyed the mental blocks making up its prison. Since then it had been sneaking around, slowly taking over small portions of Flipper's psyche, waiting for the moment it could drive the evil out once and for all. It sensed the time was nearing. The evil was tiring of it's constant barrage. Carolina's return might be enough to push it back... soon. * * * To:"HOW DO THEY GET THE SOFT, FLOWING CARAMILK INSIDE THE CARAMILK BAR?" From:FLIPPER Date:It's the first... Le premier... Numero uno.... 1st... of June. Carolina sat dejectedly on her bed. She was in trouble, and she didn't know what to do about it. That morning, she had been dragged out of her room for her first "lesson" in her new "career". She had meekly obliged to go, and sat through several hours of embarrassing explanations and diagrams. The breaking point had come when she was asked to demonstrate the use of a rotary pleasure enhancer, as had been explained. She had politely declined, being as nice as she possibly could. She was then ordered to get to the front of the class and use the device. She had backed off, frightened by the sudden outburst, and growing very red with embarrassment. After a brief struggle she had been escorted to her room and locked in, with a threat of punishment to come later. What was worse, was that Flipper seemed to be in charge of this place, that is, if it really was Flipper, and he acted like he didn't care if she lived or died. She lay down on her bed, and quietly sobbed into the pillow. * * * "Boss!" yelled Butch, distracting Flipper's efforts to build a tower out of sexual aids. The tower collapsed, and Flipper whirled about. "What!?" yelled Flipper, quite annoyed. He'd been on edge all day, unsure exactly what was bothering him. "One of the new girls, the white one, is refusing to co-operate in the classes. I thought you might want to administer punishment yourself." Flipper was touched. A little. "That's nice of you to try to cheer me up," he replied. "Which one is it again?" "The white one, Carolina." Flipper felt a burst of recognition flash through his system, which passed before he'd realized it. He shook his head to clear out the dizziness. "Leave her to me. I'll see that she doesn't require further classes," he replied. "Make sure the customers are off the ship. It's almost time to leave this port." To:"YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T KNOW?" From:FLIPPER Date:It's the first... Le premier... Numero uno.... 1st... of June. Kramodac continued sitting in the bar, getting a little bit annoyed at having to wait for his other customer, but mostly getting blitzed off the fumes from his noxious drink. Somebody from the 'Pleasure Craft' was supposed to be here to pick up the other crate of GUNs. She was late. Kramodac knew it would have to be a female, because the only male on that ship was apparently the boss, who rarely made public appearances. He muttered something incomprehensible in annoyance. He considered the possibility of going out to the craft hiself. * * * Flipper quietly opened the door to Carolina's room, and entered. Seeing her stretched out on her bed, a sadistic grin formed. He began to stride towards her. Suddenly she lifted her head and whirled a frightened, tearful gaze in his direction. She said nothing, but their eyes locked. This was the moment Flipper's personality had been waiting for, the sudden shock it needed. With a mighty heave it shoved the evil out of the control seat, and took over Flipper's actions itself. Flipper's gaze mellowed, and his heart melted at her frightened stare. "Carolina?" he whispered. "It's all right. It's me." Carolina blinked in disbelief, then, seeing the truth in Flipper's eyes, lept from the bed and hugged him. "Oh, Flipper! It IS you, again! It's been so long! I missed you so much." Flipper was shocked by the sudden outburst of affection, and stood there beweildered for a moment. That was all Evil needed to smash Flipper's real personality over the head, and regain control, while simultaneously building a new barricade for it. Flipper shoved Carolina back onto the bed, and scowled at her. "Forget it, bitch," he grated. "I'm in control here, and there ain't no way I'm giving up." He stalked out of the room, leaving Carolina staring blankly after him. To:ALL From:FLIPPER Date:It's the first... Le premier... Numero uno.... 1st... of June. Perhaps a brief timeout to explain the nature of dolphins will help clarify Flipper's and Carolina's position. Dolphins have had their relative brainsize, and presumably intelligence, for roughly 30 million years. This is in comparison to man, who has had his relative brainsize (and dubious intelligence) for approximately 100,000 years. Douglas Adams in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy summed it up well when he stated "Every major galactic civilization...goes through three distinct and recognizable phases: those of survival, inquiry, and sophistication." Humans are still at the inquiry stage, as they try to learn as much as they can, any way they can. Dolphins, on the other hand, have had much longer, and have reached the sophistication stage. All this means is that such emotions as hatred, destructive anger, and so on, simply do not exist in the dolphin. Thus it is with extreme surprise that Carolina finds Flipper yelling, hitting, and other cruel acts, and thus, her confusion. To:IS THIS THRASH? WHY, YES IT IS. From:FERAL FERRET Date:Guess what? It's the third of May, boys and girls! Old guitar solos began running through his head, and he decided, right at that point, that he was gonna do something about those dreadful customer relationships he was having. With an audible sigh, he scanned the newly returning freaks. When he saw one that massed over 300 kilos and was eight feet tall, Kramodac approached it stealthily. "Buy you a drink?" he asked, pasting a friendly smile on his face. His nose felt like it was going to fall off from the creature's truly foul body odour. It resembled a gigantic, dust-gray ape that somebody had put in a drier on tumble-mode and completely forgotten. "UNH!" replied the creature, slamming afist into the table, splintering it. "Drink good, by Varg!" Kramodac shot a look at the waitron, who sighed and hauled in a steaming flagon. The creature slurped noisily from the flask, spilling corrosive juices all about in its thirst. "Unh, good!" cried the creature. "Do me a favour?" asked Kramodac, trying not to speak too quickly. "Carry this crate for me." The ape-thing tucked the crate under its arm like a light pillow, and followed Kramodac out the door. To:MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RANCH... From:FERAL FERRET Date:Guess what? It's the third of May, boys and girls! Steiner, Janne, and Sequoia followed Plopper back to the ship, wading hip-deep through raw sewage. Sploosh, sploosh, sploosh splooshed Plopper through the sludge. Janne giggled nervously, completely nonplussed. The countdown for the system auto-destruct continued, while our [cough] loyal [snicker] heroes climbed (or jumped, in one case) up the ladder abnd into the hatch. The timer ran out before the ship could take off. "All systems normal," said a female voice throughout the ship via intercom. "Have a nice day." Janne looked at the swamp of raw sewage that awaited them. "I expect you want me to go back through that again?" she snarled, a look of pure distaste forming on her face. "And tha Plopper thing, doesn't it ever stop tha cursed plopping?" Plop, plop, plop plopped Plopper. "Plop, plop all the blessed time. Doesn't it ever need to rest? Why is it with us, anyway?" "He lends me moral support," grumbled Steiner, "and he doesn't gripe so much. Who's brilliant idea was it to bring you along, anyway?" "Why, I otta..." she growled, unsheathing her sword, but was interrupted by an odd cry. "D-oh!" cried a fat technician, as he ooened the door to his control room, and was swept down a drain by a thick stream of raw sewage. The three humans looked at each other, obvious distaste etched on their faces. "Now, that's a bad way to go," murmured Sequoia, her eyes wide in dismay. Plopper plopped in agreement. "So, what do we do now?" she asked, eyeing the mire. "I think I have a solution," muttered Steiner, cracking open a locker Inside were some life jackets... To:"THE BIGGEST FINANCIAL QUESTION IS: WHERE IS THE MONEY?" From:FLIPPER Date:Yes, folkses, it's now the sixth of June. Like, grrr, eh? Flipper sat alone in his office, thinking. It wasn't something he particularily liked doing of late, but he felt it necessary. His mind had been playing tricks on him, causing him to lose his edge, his strength, and his will to dominate. He was a little worried. If his ladies picked up on it, he might lose control. It all seemed to boil down to being one person's fault: the white dolphin. Obviously, he was going to have to do something about her. * * * Carolina lay on her bed, pondering. It was Flipper, all right, but something had changed him. Something had added an extra layer of arrogance and hatred over the Flipper she knew and loved. He was still there, she had seen him for a few seconds. She knew in her heart that love and patience would set him free. * * * Kramodac, and the large creature carrying the crate in one hand, and a drink in the other, reached the yacht. Kramodac banged on the closed door. When he got no response, he indicated for the creature to knock. The clanging of metal echoed over the entire base, and the titanium alloy exterior clearly showed three dents; one for each knock. The door opened, and Butch appeared. "We're closed, get lost!" "Gotcher GUNs for ya," shrugged Kramodac. Butch looked at the crate. "I din't know anything about an order. Well, wait there, I'll go ask the boss." She closed the door, and went to get Flipper. To:"WHAT IS YOUR ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE?" "TO EXPLODE, OF COURSE." From:FLIPPER Date:Yes, folkses, it's now the sixth of June. Like, grrr, eh? Steiner, Janne, Sequoia and Plopper moved through the halls. The sewage flow had slowed somewhat (leaving the bottom two floors of the deathstar completely filled with sewage). The halls were surprisingly clear of personnel. Or maybe it isn't so surprising considering there was just a tidal wave of raw sewage flowing through the halls... I mean, would YOU go into them? Suddenly they stopped. They looked ahead to see an utterly massive door. It took up three stories, and was 50 feet wide. It was inlaid with ornate gold and silver trim, and vegetables sprouted all around the frame. Steiner, Sequoia, Janne, and Plopper paused to glance at each other. "Pinrut," grated Steiner between clenched teeth. Sequoia and Janne nodded while Plopper increased his plopping inexcitement. To:MISCONSTRUED IDENTITY From:FERAL FERRET Date:Quick, look behind you! Oh, sorry, maybe not. Seventh of June. "Le'ss geddim," slurred Steiner, limbering up and loosening his impressive armamentum. "So, okay, gorleau," muttered Janne, "How do we get in? Sequoia?!" "WHAT?!" she shrieked, obviously startled. SHe stopped scraping away at the gold and pocketed the fistful of dust she'd accumulated. "Let's open the door already!" cried Janne. "Oh! Okay," replied Sequoia, "Where's the lock or knobby thing?" "I dunno," replied Janne, "that's your field." Steiner leaned against the door with an elbow, and put his face against his fist, while the women argued their childhood. "So, Plopper," he muttered, Plop, plop, plop. "Got any swift ideas?" Plop, plop, plop. "That's what I thought." Plop, plop, THUD! The doors had opened to the inside, dumping Steiner on his tush and spilling his weapons all about the floor. Plopper plopped inside in a hurry, making a sick "Ploosh!" noise as he landed on Steiner's face. "Ack, thpth!" he spat, trying to wipe a faceful of slime onto his sleeve. He suddenly stopped, ears pricked. Other than the two women bickering, still, and Plopper's sick thudding receding into the distance, he thought he'd heard a third sound, somewhere... yes, right behind him. Putting his hand down on something hard and round, he slowly turned around and stood up, and came face to... belly with the biggest-assed suit of power-armour he'd ever seen. "Think fast!" cried Steiner, pulling the pin and stuffing the grenade he held down the pants of the armour. To:OH BUGGER! From:PHANTOM Date:Cat Chow. It's like Dog Chow, but it's for cats. (June 7th) Steiner and the girls dove backwards heading for cover, listening to the sound of the grenade in the background as it slowly rolled it's way down the leg of the power suit and landed in the boot with a hollow 'Thump'. ('Thump') They dove... They cringed... They smiled sweetly for the NES writers in the hopes it would sway the storyline in their favour. Whatever the effect was was undecided, as shortly thereafter a huge explosion was heard, and shards of power armour were sent hurtling down the hallway past the three guerilla warriors. ('Boom') Steiner was the first to recover his wits, yet for the first little while he could see nothing except for a thick bank of smoke in front of him. Within moments he began to dimly make out the stumps of two power armour protected feet which sat side by side on ground, looking kinda black and charcoal like... As the smoke cleared some more Steiner's joy at accomplishing his task diminished slightly however, as he caught sight of a figure at the other end of the huge room. The figure was dressed completely in black, and the only part of his body that was uncovered was his face. At the moment, the figure was holding a remote controller limply in front of him, and his lower lip was jutting out in a childlike pout. "Oh bugger. You blew up my Heimie..." Seeing that Pinrut appeared distracted, Steiner signalled to Sequoia and Janne, and together the three of them cartwheeled and rolled their way into the room and further... so that in an instant they lay in a triangular formation around the pouting Pinrut. Sequoia snarled at him... "Give it up Pinrut. One move and you're chow mein!!" Pinrut, startled out of his depression, jerked his head towards Sequoia. Sequoia, seeing Pinrut move (she would have been disappointed if he had of done otherwise mind you...) dove towards him, split seconds ahead of Janne and Steiner, each seeking the first strike. Unfortunately instead of meeting resistance in each other, they found resistance in each other, as the hologram of Pinrut disappeared. The three crashed into each other, and then fell down the gaping pit below. To:SESAME SEEDS MAKE BETTER LOVERS From:FLIPPER Date:It's June the 10th, I'm dreadfully short on sleep, and I'm cranky too. Kramodac looked around, admiring the lush office he had been ushered into to wait for 'the boss'. The large creature still held his crate of GUNs, and it looked around for another drink. "I think I could learn to like this kind of lifestyle," Kramodac commented, stretching back on a large, plush office chair, and mentally appraising the many expensive art pieces, most of which dealt with various female anatomies. He spun around absently, and gazed out a large window into the depths of space. "Yeah," he sighed, "this GUN running is getting a little tedious, something like this might add a little variety..." A voice came from behind him, dripping with sarcasm. "If you're done fantasizing, maybe I could have my chair back, and we can get down to business?" The voice almost seemed slightly familiar to Kramodac... To:THERE'S A HOLE IN THE GROUND, AND THE GREEN GRASS GREW ALL AROUND... From:FLIPPER Date:It's June the 10th, I'm dreadfully short on sleep, and I'm cranky too. The dark, cloaked figure leaned over the edge of the pit, and called mockingly after the group. "Watch that first step! Ha-HA!" Steiner took a moment to glance downwards, and concluded that they were heading straight for the center of the deathstar. A slight glow emanated from down there, probably from some kind of fusion drive system, which would incinerate them all when they hit it. Steiner quickly produced a rope, and allowed himself to fall ahead of the others. He figured they had about 15-20 more seconds of free-fall before they were toasted. "Grab on to me," he called up to the others. Barely hearing him over the rushing of wind, they nodded. Steiner tossed the rope, hoping against hope the loop would catch on something. Sequoia and Janne moved closer to him, and reached out to grab him. The rope trailed uselessly in the air above him. Janne, rolling her eyes in disgust, snatched the rope and tossed it slightly downward. Steiner and Sequoia grabbed onto her, and waited for what seemed like ages. Suddenly, the rope went taut, and with a mighty jerk the fall was stopped. "Where's Plopper?" thought Steiner, and he looked up. Plopper, spreading his tentacles, was falling a little slower than the rest. Still, he was moving at a good clip as Steiner reached out to grab him. He missed. He looked down in disbelief as Plopper began to shrink against the glow of the fusion drive far below. With one tentacle, Plopper saluted him, and then details were lost. "Let's go," called Janne, climbing up the rope. It had caught on some kind of service platform, giving them entrance once again to the deathstar. Raw sewage still trickled across the floor at this level, occasinonally dripping over the ledge. Janne, Sequoia, and finally Steiner pulled themselves onto the ledge, and looked down. Steiner shook his head in disgust, as did Janne. To:"DON'T GO AWAY, YOU'LL BE RIGHT BACK!" From:FLIPPER Date:It's June the 10th, I'm dreadfully short on sleep, and I'm cranky too. Suddenly there was a bright flash from the depths of the pit, followed quickly by a loud roar and a blast wave which violently battered the small platform. Loud emergency alarms began blaring. A female voice came over the speakers. "Sensors have detected an explosion in the main fusion reactor. Reactor has gone critical, and this craft will explode in approximately..." the voice paused. Steiner, Janne and Sequoia strained to listen. "Uh..." continued the voice, "just what IS that number, anyway? Well, it's... OH! I see! Yes, this base will explode in about 3 minutes. Have a nice day!" Pinrut looked up from the 'Heimie II' "easy instruction manual" he was attempting to decipher. "Oh, bugger," he commented. He stood up and strode through a door at the rear of the room. Steiner, Janne, and Sequoia raced down the hall, splashing sewage as they went. The speakers blared again. "Sorry, I just realized that since I took so long to figure out what the warning was the first time, you've only got about one and one-half minutes left. Sorry for the inconvience." Suddenly Steiner stopped, and Janne ran into him. "What are you DOING?" she screamed, livid with rage. Steiner pointed absently at the wall. Janne looked, and saw a large map. An arrow pointed at a corridor, stating "You are here." Another arrow flashed, stating "You probably want to be here." It pointed at a room marked "Escape craft." Quickly plotting the route, Steiner set off at a run again, and Janne and Sequoia followed closely. Finally they reached the room, just as the female announced indicated that they had only 45 seconds left, in case they were interested. Steiner punched the open door button. "Access code required," flashed a display. "What kind of lunatic puts combination locks on emergency exits?" grated Sequoia. "Pinrut," replied Steiner. To:HAMSTERS: SEX TOY OR DEVIL'S TOOL? From:FLIPPER Date:It's June the 10th, I'm dreadfully short on sleep, and I'm cranky too. Janne drew her sword, and slashed the codebox with a mighty swing. "Ok, ok. Geez, touchy..." stated the display, as the door slid open. The three ran inside, and leapt into a craft which didn't resemble a bow-tie in any way whatsoever, honest. Quickly sitting at the controls, Steiner pressed a few random buttons, and breathed a sigh of relief as the engines kicked in and began to move the craft. "In case you're suicidal enough to still be on board," teased the speakers, "you've got abut 15 seconds! Hope you had a nice life!" The small, not-a-tie fighter-like ship streaked out of the escape bay, and into space. Janne and Sequoia looked back at the quickly shrinking deathstar, and only Steiner noticed the quick glint of a retreating spacecraft, before it was out of sight. * * * Flipper spun his chair around, and gazed out the viewport. Kramodac closed the case of iridium wafers, and indicated for the large creature to set the crate down. "Not here," snapped Flipper, "take it down to the storeroom. Butch'll show you the way." Butch indicated for the creature to follow her, and with a look of hunger and lust, the creature picked up the crate and carried it out of the room. Kramodac stared at the chair back for a moment. He was sure this 'boss' was familiar, but not certain. It certainly looked like th dolphin he'd known, and how many dolphins could there be that walked and talked? But still, this ones personality was nothing like the dolphin he'd known. So he was unsure. "This is a nice place," he ventured. "Must be nice work, too." "It has it's ups and downs," replied Flipper evenly. He spun the chair around. "That," he stated matter-of-factly, "is an industry joke." Kramodac nodded. "I'll have to remember that," he replied slowly. Flipper spun his chair again, and Kramodac nodded. "What's this place worth to you?" he aked. To:I NEVER THINK OF THE FUTURE, IT COMES SOON ENOUGH. From:FLIPPER Date:It's June the 10th, I'm dreadfully short on sleep, and I'm cranky too. Flipper contined gazing out the window. The yacht moved along at breakneck speed, and soon they'd be back at the deathstar, no, HIS deathstar. He supposed Kramodac might be upset when he found out that they'd left the starbase shortly after he boarded, but Flipper really didn't care. If he caused a fuss, Flipper'd have him thrown out. He emitted an evil snicker. "This business," replied Flipper, "is everything I need. This ship," he continued, "is about to be replaced with something far better." "Oh?" asked Kramodac, suddenly interested. "What?" Flipper rolled his chair back from the window, and pointed as the stars began streaking, indicating the deceleration from plus-light speed. Ahead, clearly visible, sat the deathstar, large even from the incredible distance it was away. Kramodac was impressed. Flipper noted this with satisfaction, as Kramodac opened his mouth to comment. There was a sudden series of bright flashes, and Flipper whipped his head around to the window. Off in the distance, the deathstar was exploding in a violent series of orange and red fusion explosions. "NO!" yelled Flipper, jumping up. Even as he did, the yacht was battered by the first in a series of powerful shock waves, knocking Flipper off balance, and causing him to knock himself out on a bronze statue of a woman with six breasts. * * * Steiner, Sequoia, and Janne all sat, belted in, with clenched teeth, trying to outride the severe shock waves the explosion was throwing off. The tiny craft was buffeted incredibly, and there was little they could do to hold it steady. They hoped it was built strong enough to withstand everything. * * * "Oh, V'lorg," moaned Butch in the supply room, as boxes tumbled around them. Another shock wave struck the craft, shaking the entire thing as a child shakes a jar full of bugs. "I've never felt like this before," she continued, writhing. =================================================== harmlesslion.com - Not for Commercial Use