To:REWRITTEN BY FLIPPER From:PHANTOM Date:April 1? Suddenly realizing he knew where he was, Mr. Pinrut set out, following Bill's instructions to the letter. Finally he reached his destination, a huge, armoured door. He walked up to the control panel, and entered the code sequence Bill had given him. The door suddenly opened a crack, and a large hand shot out. Mr. Pinrut jumped back in shock. The arm merely hung there limply. Mr. Pinrut gazed at the arm, then, summoning all his courage, poked it. The arm continued to hang, unmoving. Laughing at his own nervousness, Mr. Pinrut grabbed the door and prepared to pull it open. The arm suddenly reached up, grabbed him, and pulled him into the room, the door slamming shut behind him. * * * Pinrut looked around himself, marveling. In front of him was a huge control panel, littered with switches, dials, and lights. "Surely I can get THIS one right!" he told himself, confidence beaming from his face. He walked over and flicked several switches. He gazed at the row of monitors above the panel, and noted that in one he could see Flipper and Carolina leaving a dusty room, and looking around the hall as if lost. Turning another switch, the view changed to a view of Steiner and Sequoia walking down a hall. He pressed a button under the switch, and a laser shot out from under the camera towards the two onscreen. Sequoia leaped and immediately hurled a knife at the camera, and the screen went dark. Pinrut shrugged and flicked back to Flipper and Carolina. Pinrut examined the rest of the console. "Now let's see," he pondered. "If I was an emergency teleport switch, which one would I be? hmm, I think, I'd be... THIS one!" He flicked a switch. Alarm klaxons began blaring almost immediately. To:FLYING IN A GREEN (PLAN) DREAM From:FERAL FERRET Date:I should have been sleeping, not changing the dates. Kroyst. April 16th. THUDTHUDThudThudthudthudthud thud thud thud thud... thud... thud... \----/ |BOOM| /----\ "What the hell did you do this time, STEINER!??!?!?" He ducked a chunk of flying steel and ran like hell. --- The hall they were in was shaking vigourously, with explosions echoing off in the distance. An irritating klaxon was buzzing at an annoying rate with an infuriating sound, which went something like, "YAINT! YAINT! YAINT! AHEM! YAINT!" Sequoia had been playing merry target practice with random cameras, throwing a knife at them and watching the pretty sparks fly out. Invariably, she'd demand a boost from Steiner to get her knives back. He wound up having a whole trail of dusty foot-prints up the back of his dark gray jacket. He was actually showing some signs of annoyance. thud... thud... thud... thud thud thud Explosions seemed to be drawing nearer, and the klaxon seemed to be getting even more annoyingly obnoxious. *YAINT* thud thud *YAINT* thud thud *YAINT* thudthudthud thud *YAthudINT* thudThudThud *YAI AIEEEEEE!* THUDTHUDTHUD "Steiner," muttered Sequoia, as the floors began to shake again, "never mind what you did. GET ME OUT OF HERE!" THUD!THUD!THUD! Steiner, moving only his eyes, glanced to the left and then the right. With a movement as rapid as an uncoiling spring, he leaped back and clothesline-tackled Sequoia to the floor, just as a particularily large explosion blew the snot out of the wall right where he was standing. When all the dust settled, Steiner found himself on top of Sequoia, faces scant millimeters apart. "Oooh!" she cried, her voice now a soothing, mellow coo, "I like it when you play rough!" To:AUGH! From:FLIPPER Date:We seriously need new login bulletins. *HINT*. Ahem. April the 18th. Flipper looked wildly around him, as the ship began to shake. Even Carolina looked up, and looked around with concern. "What do we do?" he asked, possibly more frightened than he thought possible. Possibly. Carolina merely looked around, her eyes wide. Suddenly the wall blew out, just inches from where she was standing. Two figures were visible laying on the floor, on the other side. "Someone's hurt!" yelled Flipper, dashing through the hole. Carolina followed after him, bumping into him as he stopped dead. "Uh, I think you missed your time for that," mumbled Flipper, embarrassed, as he looked at Steiner laying on top of Sequoia. Carolina looked around Flipper, and blushed deeply. Steiner turned his head to look at Flipper, his face a mixture of fear and disgust, with a pinch of annoyance (let simmer for 20 minutes). He attempted to get up, but with a quick mootion Sequoia wrapped an arm around him and held him down. Suddenly she seemed to notice Flipper. "Oh," she sulked. "I thought we were alone, Steiny-kins." A panel blew off the wall at the end of the hall, allowing steam to begin hissing into the corridor. "We should probably try to get out of here," mentioned Flipper, as Steiner untangled himself from Sequoia, allowing himself to stand up. "Where's Pinrut?" asked Carolina, suddenly. A quick look around themselves showed that Mr. Pinrut was indeed, nowhere to be found. Flipper sat down suddenly, moaning, as visions of his office and lighting control/security room flashed through his mind. "I bet I know..." sighed Flipper. To:WHERE TO? From:PHANTOM Date:April 20, 1993. Does your car have any Bond-O on it that I could borrow? Steiner looked at Flipper questioningly, "So, how exactly are we supposed to find this control place where Pinrut is anyways? Hell, we couldn't find our way to our zippers if we had to go for a leak in this place!!!" Flipper was about to share a fabulous idea with Steiner... So fabulous that not only would they find Pinrut and escape, but they'ed also discover the cure for cancer and become billionaires by marketing it. Unfortunately his thoughts became side-tracked as he considered whether or not to tell Steiner that dolphins didn't actually have any need for zippers, especially since they rusted in the water... Needless to say, the two of them stared blankly at each other, observing each other's gaping mouths until a thin spittle of drool started to form. Their brain-power surge was finally circumvented when Carolina and Sequioa got fed up and marched down the hallway, talking about something like they were old friends. Behind their mocking laughter, two rather sheepish and embarrassed looking males sluggishly followed behind. *** "ARGH!!! Not the hair!! Not the hair!!! Goddam it you stupid little furball, LET GO OF ME!!!!!! NO! That's not part of your power coupling unit, THAT'S MY ARM.... OW!!!!! You bugger!! OW!!!! ARGH!!! Stop that!!!! When I get my arm out of this stupid console, I'm gonna make a racket out of ya you little bag of...." *** The two women approached an intersection and, shrugging, turned right and followed the hallway. They then took another left, then a right, and then continued through the dizzying maze of corridors without any hesitation. Hearing Steiner mention to Flipper that this was getting them nowhere and that the women obviously had them lost, Sequoia turned around and pointed to the wall, where the two of them noticed a blinking red arrow pointing in the direction they were going, with the notation "Exit" underneath it. Once again the two women set off, with Steiner and Flipper following sheepishly behind them. To:CAFFEINE! From:FERAL FERRET Date:It's the 21st of April. I'm a real swingin' guy. "MORON!" she bellowed, causing Flipper to cringe momentarily, but only causing a mild frown to appear in Steiner's face. She cut her yelling short, somewhat taken aback at the atypical response. "Move," muttered Steiner in a perfect Arnold Q. Forceandegger imitation. In silent, confused compliance, Sequoia followed the red arrows, leaving the two dolphins and a human in her wake. She paused suddenly, everybody drawning up short. The pair of dolphin's collided into Steiner's back. "What?" he asked, standing stock still. Sequoia shot him a look of pure annoyance, and motioned for silence. Sure enough, faintly, in the background, music could be heard playing. "Now everything's ruined, yeah yeah, Now everything's ruined, yeah yeah." went the music. "Must be an alarm system," whispered Flipper to Carolina, who nodded in silent agreement. They wended their way down a number of other corridors, the music growing louder and softer, depending on a number of things, but mostly as to wther whether the big-hand on the clock was pointing at a odd or even number. --- "Ungh!" Pinrut managed to wrest himself free of the foul machinery, and stood back, glaring at it. Before he could do anything, he was tackled from behind by yet *another* cleaning robot, and this time, given a good scrub-down and waxing. "No! Stop that you, oof!" cried Pinrut, as he was mass-swarmed by the automatic maintenance machinery of the room. The system, having been in disuse for so many eons, developed a few minor bugs. Perhaps the robots were a little over-enthusiastic after having so little use in that many years, but that would be a question that historians would struggle to solve for many, many years after this situation was nothing but memory in old men and dolphins, sitting around a bar, talking about ancient war-storis, drinking whiskey and puffing huge cigars that resembled grossly over-inflated sausages. To:BE AGGRESSIVE. From:FERAL FERRET Date:It's the 21st of April. I'm a real swingin' guy. Before they were within sight of the office, Carolina's preternaturally sensitive dolphin ears picked up the sounds of a struggle. "Somebody's in trouble!" she cried, hopping up and down. Steiner suppressed an urge to toss her a fish and pat her on the head like a good dolphin. --- Pinrut knew that he was in trouble. He'd be rolled up into a corner, the rifle removed from his carapace. His limbs were pinned down by a sweeping robot, with a whirling turnip peeler slowly, slowly descending in a cruel arc down to his head. He began to thrash around, and would have drawn a look of concern on his head, had he a free limb to do so. --- "I dunno, Steiney-kins, you wanna check it out?" asked Sequoia, noticing that the sounds of a struggle were emanating from a room that was obviously well off their path. Steiner paused, looked in the direction of the exit, so plainly in sight, looked in the direction of the struggle, and paused to think. Carolina flounced about in anxiety, and Flipper looked worried and confused, as was his usual wont. --- "Aaaiiieeeeeee!" shrieked Pinrut in a poor imitation of worry. It had suddenly come clear to him that the turnip mounted on the top of his carapace had no real function other than a poor replacement for a plastic head. "A plastic head, that's what I want," thought Pinrut to himself, while struggling without much real effort. --- "Screw it," said Steiner, "let's blow this joint." He walked towards the exit, much to the shock of everyone else with him. To:AW, MAAAAN. HOW'M I GONNA DO THIS? From:FLIPPER Date:It's the 21st of April. I'm a real swingin' guy. The group watched with amazement as Steiner rounded a corner, following the exit arrows. Sequoia broke the silence by running after him. "Wait for me, Steiny-kins!" Flipper looked at Carolina, who looked away. He turned back towards the scuffling sounds and went towards them. After a moment's hesitation, Carolina followed. Flipper entered the control room cautiously, just in time to see several machines hovering over Mr. Pinrut's thrashing figure, apparently buffing and applying metal polish. "Let me go!" yelled Pinrut, thrashing as much as he could. The small robots held him firm, and continued cleaning him. Flipper looked around wildly, and saw the control panel. He ran up to it, noticing signs of obvious damage and jury-rigged repair. Flipper nodded inwardly, and began scanning the switches. He quickly found what he was after. * * * "How much farther IS this freaking exit?" mumbled Steiner to himself. Sequoia caught up to him at that point, and began striding confidently beside him. They rounded yet another turn, only to stop abruptly in front of a large hangar of some kind. Several small craft, clearly marked as escape craft, laid in the area. Stealthily, Steiner stole towards the closest one and entered it. Sequoia followed, and was about to say something when she was silenced by a feral glare from Steiner. Her eyes opened wide, but she was quiet for the moment. They entered the craft, and Steiner sat down at a control panel. He stared at it blankly for a few minutes, until Sequoia reached over his shoulder and pressed a button labeled 'Engage'. He glared at her again, as the craft's door closed, and it began moving towards an airlock. * * * To:OKEY DOKE. From:FLIPPER Date:It's the 21st of April. I'm a real swingin' guy. Sighing with relief, Flipper flicked the switch marked 'cleaning robots'. Suddenly the robots stopped buffing Mr. Pinrut, and he jumped to his feet. "How'd you do that?" he asked in amazement. Flipper looked at him, squinting as Pinrut's body reflected and amplified every light within a 400ft radius. "I turned them off," replied Flipper. "Let's get out of here." * * * "Maybe I should wait for Pinrut and the dolphins," thought Steiner to himself, in a rare burst of coherancy. But by that time it was too late anyway, as the large airlock expelled the tiny craft, and sent it hurtling towards Earth. * * * Flipper, Carolina and Mr. Pinrut entered the large hangar area, and looked around excitedly. "This is it!" called Flipper. "Those must be escape pods!" Mr. Pinrut looked around, unimpressed. Not a vegetable to be seen. They headed towards the nearest craft. Flipper stopped at the entrance. "You two go on inside, and head back." Carolina looked at him. "Where are you going?" "I have to go somewhere else, so I might as well take a different craft to get there." "Okay!" called Pinrut cheerfully, stepping into the craft. "See ya!" He stopped at the door when Carolina didn't follow. "Are you leaving because of... me?" asked Carolina. "No, no!" cooed Flipper, running a flipper across her face. Mr. Pinrut sighed and redrew his eyes looking up into his head. He leaned nonchalantly against the side of the door and waited. To:BYE, FOLKS. From:FLIPPER Date:It's the 21st of April. I'm a real swingin' guy. "This is something I must do every year," explained Flipper to Carolina. "I can't explain exactly where I'm going, or what I'm doing, but it's important that I go. Why would I want to leave you?" Mr Pinrut began scuffling his feet, obviously uncomfortable. "Well," began Carolina, "I thought maybe I forced you to..." Mr Pinrut 'ahemed' very loudly at this time. Flipper shot him a look, then looked back at Carolina. "No," he said. "No matter what, I love you. You didn't force me to do anything." Mr Pinrut began humming aimless tunes. "Can I come with y..." began Carolina. "THERE THEY ARE! STOP THEM!" All three whirled around to see several dozen cat-guards racing across the hangar floor. "GO!" yelled Flipper, shoving Carolina into the pod, then running for a nearby one himself. Both pods closed and began their trek to the airlock. The cats watched helplessly, while two ran to try and shut down the machinery. Flipper got into the driver's seat of the pod, and prepared to learn how to fly. With an aircraft type yoke, it looked fairly simple. He found a radio headset, and put it on. The airlock opened, and both craft shot out into space, heading straight for the earth. "I'll meet you at the Oceanarium," called Flipper into the radio, and fighting to gain control of the craft. He soon found it not too difficult, and began guiding it away from the one containing Pinrut and Carolina. "Dear God," he thought, "I hope she doesn't let him drive." To:THINGS A-CHANGIN' From:PHANTOM Date:April 24th 1993 (Day 3 AF) We gotta fight the powers that be! With a roar the shuttle's engines burst into life, hurtling Carolina and Mr. Pinrut out into space, leaving the burning wreck of the spaceship behind them. Pinrut deftly maneuvered the controls with the skill of an expert, partially because he was scared silly and his adrenalin surge was pulling him through, but mostly because I'm writing this. Sweat poured down his face, causing his crayon inscriptions to run as he fought the unfamiliar controls, trying to dodge the minefield of other shuttles, asteroids, and hunks of flaming metal shooting off from the cat ship. He quickly yanked the control stick hard to the left, sending the shuttle swirling violently to the left, only to yank it back viciously down and to the right, narrowly avoiding another shuttle. In fact, they came so close, Pinrut was able to catch a glimpse of the driver, a grey looking fellow, who seemed to be pressed quite close to the class by a cluster of people pressing up behind them. Any thoughts of that were quickly lost as Pinrut, now swearing violently, did a slalom through a maze of asteroids, hurtling towards them at hideous speeds. Using every ounce of concentration, control, and luck he had, he managed to get them through, although he was sure the shuttle would need a new paint job if they ever managed to make it through alive. The maze of obstacles seemed to dwindle out suddenly... It appeared they had finally gotten through. Pinrut leaned back, sighing heavily, trying to absorb the peaceful silence around him... Only... It wasn't... Pinrut sighed heavily, and turned to his left, watching as Carolina sobbed loudly in the chair beside him. Apparently she had been for quite a while, as puddles had actually formed underneath her chair. Pinrut reached over and lightly touched her elbow. "Don't worry Carolina, we've made it through. We're safe now." Carolina whiped her nose with a powerful snort and looked at Pinrut through tears filled eyes. "What? Through what? What do you mean?" Pinrut looked at her incredulously. "What do you mean what? The asteroids! The flaming hunks of metallic death!! You know? The stuff that almost killed us!!! You know?" "No... I, I must've missed that. Why? Were we in trouble or something? Should I have been using this control stick over here to help you?" It was at this point that Pinrut realized he did that whole thing with only the left side maneouvering thrusters. She controlled the others... To:GOSH, THIS IS GOOD! From:PHANTOM Date:April 24th 1993 (Day 3 AF) We gotta fight the powers that be! Mr. Pinrut sat there, orifice gaping, trying to deal with the fact that they were almost killed because she didn't do a bloody thing to help them!! "Carolina! Why are you crying then? What's wrong?" Carolina burst into a new flood of tears. "It's Flipper. I miss him so much!! I can't live without him!! What am I gonna do without him? I feel like a piece of my heart has been torn from my body and thrown away... I feel so empty, so alone. What am I going to do..." At this point, Carolina broke down, put her head into her lap, and began wailing in the most annoying, high pitched sound Pinrut had ever heard. "Carolina, Flipper's only been gone for 10 minutes, and you never really seemed to... you know." Carolina raised her head again, tears streaming from her eyes so much Pinrut felt the urge to go to the washroom. "But I love him so much!! What am I going to do without him? Oh god. I think I'm going to die. I'm never going to be able to look at a pool of water again without thinking of him. He was everything to me!! I think I'm going to die..." Once again, her head fell down into her lap, and she began wailing uncontrollably, and no matter how much Pinrut tried to help, she wouldn't stop anymore. Sighing heavily, Pinrut sat back, feeling his nerves slowly twist and fray. First of all, here's Carolina wailing because she's been separated from her true love for a short period of time, and here he has never having loved anyone before. Then, there's the fact that they were just almost killed, mostly because of her emotional stupidity. Finally, there was that goddam grated wailing noise that... just... wouldn't.... stop.... Pinrut got up, gently helped Carolina out of her chair, and led her to the rear of the shuttle. "Here Carolina, you can rest here." He led her into a tiny room just off the aft of the shuttle and sat her on a metallic bench in the middle of it. "Just lie down and rest Carolina, everything will work out fine." Carolina lay down sobbing and wailing, and Pinrut, who if he had teeth would no doubt be grating them together, looked at her through the doorway, before shutting the door, sealing the room Carolina was in with a woosh. Pinrut waited until the red light beside the door turned green, signalling the air pressure was ready, and then, dramatically, he raised his fist and slammed it down on the 'Ejection' button, causing a large sucking sound to occur. Pausing only to redraw a smile, Pinrut got back to work in peace and silence... To:NOW, WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER ONE? From:PHANTOM Date:April 24th 1993 (Day 3 AF) We gotta fight the powers that be! Flipper jumped into the pilot seat and gunned the engines, waiting to see Pinrut and Carolina jump out in front of him, more out of caution then concern for their safety. Once sure that he was safe from their driving, he through the shuttle forward, ripping it from the it's restraints, sending it hurtling from the ship just as it exploded, sending shards of metal ripping past his shuttle, sending it jumping and bucking wildly without any control whatsoever. Flipper was flung from his seat in the explosion, sending him head over flukes into the side consoles, sending jolts of pain and stars winging through his system. Groggily, he fought the nausea down though, and tried to regain his seat, knowing that any distraction could easily result in his death. He climbed back into his seat, blood trickling slightly from a cut in the side of his mouth, and steered the shuttle through the plumes of flame and metal, much as a peanut vendor would at a baseball game. He fought valiantly, both staving off the shards of death trying to pierce his shuttle, but also the grogginess and the pain that was trying to pierce his concentration. His breath began to come in short bursts, and he began to sweat profusely. Just when it appeared that he was about to lose it, however, he seemed to get a second wind, and he slowly regained control of his senses... Unfortunately, instead of being able to concern himself with asteroid field he and the other shuttles were hurtling through, he became aware of a black leather strap with several studs on it being placed gently on his shoulder, stroked back and forth rythmically. Flipper looked at the strap as if it were a python, and then slowly followed it with his eyes, until, twisting around in the chair, he could determine it's source. Standing behind him, holding a black leather strap, was a black haired woman, standing about 6 feet tall, dressed resplendantly in high black boots, black leather gloves, and a black leather teddy, from which many chains and stud gleamed pristinely. From her belt hung a long black whip and a set of handcuffs. She looked at him down her nose, and a smile slowly broke over her face. "I dunno girls, I think he's kinda cute. I think we should keep him..." A chorus of giggles from behind her announced their approval, and before Flipper could move, he was besieged by a dozen women in black leather. To:"ALL US WACKY WABITS" From:FERAL FERRET Date:27 Apr 1993. The unwashed masses *really* need some Speed-Stick! Steiner spun around, peering out the back window of the shuttle, just in time to see several shuttles peeling out of the base. His eyes widened slightly as the base exploded in a really cheap manner like out of an ancient videogame. Two of the shuttles peeled off and headed directly for earth. Of the rest, several peeled towards Steiner's, with weapons pods being slowly extruded. "Hang on," muttered Steiner softly, mostly to himself, as he heeled the ship over on its side. Sequoia, who hadn't been strapped in, was hurled to the side of the ship by the sudden g-forces of the sharp turn. "Ungh!" she cried when she slammed into the passenger door with a loud thump. "Weapons... weapons..." muttered Steiner, looking about for some sort of firing stud. "Oh!" he said with some surprise when he noticed his finger curled around a button on the controls. Zip. Zip. The enemies were firing shots, but they seemed to be travelling exceptionally slowly. They were, mind you, travelling with great accuracy. "GET THEM!" screamed Sequoia, instinctively reaching for her throwing knives. Steiner depressed the firing stud. The windshield lit up brightly! A loud, roaring noise ensued, as sixteen 20 mm chainguns opened fire, sending a stream of depleted uranium slugs out on target. The streams of lethal projectiles connected with the lead shuttle, and it disintegrated under the impact. It exploded into a huge ball of flame, which looked like somebody has pasted in a cheezy shot from Buck Rogers. "Wahoo!" cried Steiner, as he heaved the craft around to avoid enemy shots. He lined up on another enemy, and let him have it. Sequoia, who still hadn't had a chance to get strapped in, was being tossed and heaved around the ship, bouncing like a ping-pong ball, as Steiner weaved the shuttle through its paces. "Better let them regroup," she yelled, "That way, there'll be more to blow up!" To:DAN FINISHES UP. From:FERAL FERRET Date:By the time the average person sees this, it'll be the 1st of May. "Uhh, you've got a point, there," he muttered, heeling the shuttle over. Nobody really knew, oh loyal reader, that Sequoia's real intention was to get strapped in, but it doesn't matter that much, does it? [author's note: In order to speed up the plot, many tedious, boring events have been removed, like the horror on Flipper's face when he saw Carolina's bloated corpse floating in space, or how he wiped his eyes in shock, or how he wasn't sure just what he saw, or how he sort of went insane, occupying the slot in the mental ecology that Steiner used to inhabit. Yes, loyal readers, Flipper went nuts.] [author's footnote: We now resume the story several hours later, having removed the dry, dull, and quite boring atmospheric re-entry deal that Steiner had to do to land, and we won't mention how he managed to pull it off either] He landed the shuttle with a sort of grace foreign to a man that appeared to have spent his life fingering weapons. He stepped out and cracked the hatch open for Sequoia. "Nice landing, tex!" she growled, staggering out of the ship. She felt like she was made of one giant piece of bruise tissue, and she meant to torture some poor, innocent creature to get even with life. Steiner walked around the shuttle, clucking quietly to himself everytime he saw a gouge mark. [author's interruption: Gouge mark? Did I forget to explain that? Oops, sorry, maybe some other time.] "How the hell did that happen?" demanded Sequoia, shaking her head in mild dismay. "I don't know," replied Steiner. "I think it was a last minute plot-addition." "A WHAT?!" she bellowed. She was feeling exceptionally annoyed at young authors who took such liberties with the plot. "A last minute plot-addition, I think," repeated Steiner, wishing now that he hadn't spoken. "Take it easy on the author, would ya?" They stood there, glowering at the damaged shuttle, when an unidentified mass of flesh ploughed into the ground not ten meters away from them. To:MY TURN! MY TURN! From:PHANTOM Date:May 3rd 1993. "I'm ALIVE!!! I'm ALIVE!!! I'm ALIVE!!! I'm.... Oh dear. Mr. Pinrut guided his shuttle through the danger and beyond, searching for some place he could dock and try and regain contact with his friends... Well... Maybe not Flipper just yet... He searched the scanners, looking for any sign of a port or a habitable planet that he could get docking clearance on, but nothing showed up. His search, which had started off as a passing interest, picked up dramatically when the shuttle's engine began to sputter and seize. Swearing violently, Pinrut checked the control panel looking for the cause, but he came up with nothing out of the ordinary... Unless... Winding up, Pinrut pounded is fist down as hard as he could on the fuel guage, and watched with satisfaction as it unjammed, and slowly shifted it's way down to empty. "Oh good. I solved that mystery!" He turned around, satisfied, and then stopped suddenly, "Wait a second... This is bad!!!" Whirling around, he quickly punched up his trajectory onto the computer screen, and was horrifed to find that he was indeed going down... most likely crashing onto the surface of an unexplored planet within several minutes of here. If not, he would go on forever.... Dying finally when either his oxygen ran out, or his food. Pinrut buried his head in his hands... "Oh joy, oh bliss. My ass, dear God, is what you can...." To:AND SO ON, AND SO ON, AND SO ON.... From:PHANTOM Date:May 3rd 1993. "I'm ALIVE!!! I'm ALIVE!!! I'm ALIVE!!! I'm.... Oh dear. The jungle seemed normal as per usual. Undisturbed for hundreds of years, it had regrown to it's natural extent, covering the slight hints of human existance with it's thick expanse of vegetation. In the middle of it all, however, lay a long narrow crater, at the end of which lay a shuttle, it's metal structure torn and twisted almost beyond recognition. The natural sounds of the jungle were lost in the symphony of tortured squeaks of metal and hissing of escaping heat and liquids. Yet, somehow, through it all, a figure appeared. He walked gingerly, and one arm seemed to be hanging uselessly at his side. A terrible gash was torn down the side of his face, and out of it a thick, greeny liquid slowly oozed out, running down his shoulder and his good arm. Slowly he dragged himself away from the wreckage, unable to look at it, knowing that it was probably his only chance to get off of this godforsaken planet. Shelving the burdens of his injuries in the back of his mind, however, he struggled onwards, walking through the jungle away from the ship, not knowing where he was going, but not really caring either... Some fifteen or so hours after leaving the ship he still walked. By now his mind was completely numb, and he was sure he was having hallucinations... After all, what would a pyramid be doing in the middle of a jungle on an uninhabited planet? Entertaining his vivid imagination, he walked up to the pyramid (scoffing), and entered through the rotating door (double scoff) finding himself in a long hallway. He stumbled down the hallway, his shaky movements forcing him back and forth across the hallway (and somehow allowing him to avoid traps that had been lying in wait for one such as him for years) until he came to a set of huge stone doors. Unsure as to how to open them, Pinrut simply stumbled forward, discovering that the mat in front of the doors was actually a pressure plate, sending the doors spinning open. Through the doors lay a huge room, encrusted with jewels throughout it, and beautiful beyond belief. In the middle of the room lay a huge fountain, which the figure ran up to and drank deeply from, savoring the taste of the sweet liquid that burned it's way down his throat. Sighing heavily, he leaned back, and for the first time became aware of the jewel that lay on a stone pillar in the middle of the fountain. It was clear, like a diamond, but it had veins that were bright red, which almost seemed to pulse with life. It was also huge. Feeling a deep greed, the figure climbed into the fountain and crossed it, reaching up to grab the jewel. Upon holding it though, a hiss was heard... and a scream. To:BOYHOOD HEROES From:PHANTOM Date:May 3rd 1993. "I'm ALIVE!!! I'm ALIVE!!! I'm ALIVE!!! I'm.... Oh dear. Flipper managed to catch a glimpse of his beloved floating through space through the mass of writhing leather clad bodies.... and it finally put him over the edge.... The girls stopped, noticing that instead of the panzie-assed dolphin they had been dealing with before, they now faced a something completely different. They slowly backed off, watching with a bit of fear as something... different... crossed Flipper's features... something Flipper had never felt before. A faint twanging sound was heard as his mind finally snapped, and he turned and looked at all of the women, causing them to shrink back further. "Don't be afraid girls.... In fact... Why don't you come a little closer, so I can show you something." Flipper's voice had a strong sense of command in it, and the girls slowly crept forward, noting Flipper's grin growing wider with every step... * * * The ship reached port and docked, registering itself as the "Naughty Nymph". Naturally, with a name like that (not to mention a reputation), a welcoming committee of some twenty or thirty men stood outside the shuttle door, waiting to greet their visitors. The door slowly began to lower, and the men couldn't help but start shaking excitedly in anticipation... Imagine their shock when instead of scantily clad women in leather, they instead found a dolphin facing them, complete with a leather jacket, eye patch, high leather boots and a whip facing them instead. The dolpin glared at them with it's one apparently good eye. "The girls are tired, they've been through a lot. I'll tell you when they'll be up to talking to you guys." Smirking, as if enjoying some private joke, the dolphin turned around and went back into the ship, giving the men a brief glimpse of a the female crew sprawled throughout the shuttle, completely exhausted, yet with huge smiles on their faces... Just before the door closed, they could faintly hear a voice humming... "They call me L.D. Flip, and I ain't no wimp..." To:BRAINS ENOUGH FOR TWO From:FERAL FERRET Date:It's the fourth of May, yes, of 1993. Isn't that neat? I thought so. "Got any great ideas now, slick?" demanded Sequoia in a very agitated manner. "Yup," replied Steiner. He reopened the shuttle and popped inside. Sequoia waited for a reply. The sounds of large items being thrown emanated from inside. "Well?" she demanded. No reply was forthcoming. Steiner eventually emerged, a large pack strapped on his back. "Carry this," he ordered, tossing a large duffel bag at her. "SO?!" she screamed. "We walk," was his curt reply. He picked a direction at random, and set off. "Hey, wait up!" she yelled, skirting a crater to catch up. Taking a brief moment to glimpse inside the crater, she saw a large hunk of rubbery flesh, strewn about in a very disorganized fashion. "What the hell was that?" she asked, as they marched off solemnly towards a clump of deciduous trees. "Probably a whale," replied Steiner, shrugging as he spoke. "Does it matter?" --- To:EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL EVIL. From:PHANTOM Date:May 5th, 1993. I tried not to laugh at the guy who tripped. I failed. A blinding white light filled the room, combining with a burst of pain that completely dulled Pinrut's senses. He was thrown backwards viciously, and his head cracked solidly against the side of the water fountain. Tiny stars began dancing with little blue birds in front of his eyes, which was good, because at least he knew he wasn't going blind. His eyes finally cleared, and he slowly raised his left hand in front of his face, wondering what the source of the gentle throbbing was. Amazingly, he somehow maintained his grip on the gem, and it was the source of the throbbing, not a hideous wound that he had expected to be there. Pinrut watched first with curiosity, and then in a trance, as he felt himself being slowly pulled inside of the gem. He watched with wonder as the red veins of the gem began changing colour, from red to green. He noticed through his addled brain that the gem seemed to be feeding on his blood that had been flowing from the cut in his head, and that it seemed to be feeding the gem... Eventually the veins in the gem turned completely green, and the flow of blood from the cut in Pinrut's head slowly began to stop. Pinrut began feeling awfully tired, but he was still unable to tear his eyes from the gem. In his state of fatigue, his gaze was easily drawn into the inner depths of the gem, and consequently, he felt the gem's presense in the back of his mind, almost as if it too, was alive. The gem slowly probed his mind, as if it was searching for something. Pinrut, although he was been violated, couldn't help but be impressed, as he always thought that he didn't have a mind in the first place. Eventually, after what seemed like hours of his brain being poked and prodded, the gem seemed to find what it looked for. Delving deep into his mind, it extracted what it wanted... What it fed on... What it hoped to deliver to all of mankind through the voice of it's new holder. Extracting the thin strand of evil that had been opened when Pinrut ejected Carolina into space, it carefully dug it's probing fingers into the hole, and then vicously tore it open, let all of the wild impulses reign free. Pinrut screamed loudly for the second time in as many messages and clenched his hands to the side of his head as he fell to the ground and lay sobbing. Slowly the sobbing died, and the pain disappeared... And then Pinrut slowly raised his head... Exposing a warped and twisted grin, topped by two, blood red eyeballs.... To:ROLLIN'... ROLLIN'...ROLLING DOWN THE RIVER From:PHANTOM Date:The 7th of May. 7 is the best number.... So shouldn't it be #1? Lightning flew from his hand, blasting through the walls and sending their destructive charges all over the planet, wreaking havoc wherever they went... causing death and destruction wherever they landed. Mr. Pinrut exited the temple, but no longer did he call himself Mr. Pinrut. The gem had adapted him to it's needs, and instead of the weak willed, turnip minded, gentle, caring soul that Mr. Pinrut had been, a finely muscled human being emerged, with bulging veins, blood red eyes, and a fine set of teeth. No, Mr. Pinrut was roughly pushed aside... Shoved into a tiny corner of the mind that had no purpose other than to alphabetically organize telephone index cards. In his place stood the greatest evil that the world had ever seen. Yes, Mr. Pinrut was dead.... And in his place stood Pee Wee Herman. Pee Wee looked around, let out a squeal of "How's it going boys and girls", and promptly reached out, grabbed a nearby lizard by it throat, and popped it's head off like a bottle cap. "That was fun, wasn't it boys and girls? Yes, of course it was!! Almost as fun as exposing one's genetalia to a movie theatre full of people!! Do you want to do it again? Of course you do!!" This time Pee Wee rushed out and tackled something looking suspiciously like a crocodile, and after a huge struggle, during which Pee Wee exhibited some feats of strenght that were beyond any human's conception, the crocodile, who out-weighed Pee Wee Pinrut by at least 700 pounds, found itself being much like his cousin, who's skin was adorning the boots of a very famous trader. "See boys and girls, that was fun wasn't it? But you know what's funner? World domination? No.... Don't be silly boys and girls... Pee Wee Pinrut doesn't want to rule the world..." Pee Wee's eyes started to blaze a little bit brighted, and his grin grew bigger, as he turned to look at his viewing audience... "No boys and girls, I don't want to rule the world... I want to rule THE UNIVERSE!!!!" Pee Wee laughed hysterically, mouth gaping open and eyes flaming red, before turning around and dashing through the jungle, shooting balls of firat anything in his way as he headed back to his shuttle... The first step to universal domination. To:FLIP THE PIMP. From:PHANTOM Date:The 7th of May. 7 is the best number.... So shouldn't it be #1? Flip sat in his high backed executive chair (priorly used by the space station captain) and looked about his office with pride. He stood up again and walked around the office, his hot leather pants swishing with every step he took... "Yeah baby," he said out loud, to nobody in particular, "it's about time I got the power I deserve". He was jarred out of his self-satisfactory reverie when Bo, his best "employee" walked into the room, resplendant in... Well... Basically nothing. I mean, it was something, and it was leather, but it sure as heck didn't cover much of anything. No matter... He liked it. "Yes Bo, what can I do for you?" Bo, who had never before met someone as forceful and assertive as the Flip-man (proving to be the first guy she ever wanted to do the corkscrew with instead of killing), looked at the Flipster with an expression of guilt on her face. "Oh Mr Flipper, I've been so bad!! I've didn't fill my normal quota again... Isn't the normal punishment for that a spanking?" As if to emphasize it, she bent over and extended her posterior towards him with a sly smile on her face. Flip smiled slightly, but didn't move towards her. "Now now, Bo. Let's try and keep this professional. After all, I have a reputation to maintain...." He turned around, and looked out the starport window.... "Yeah, baby... First this starbase, and from there... Who knows? We're onto a really good thing here baby, and I intend to ride it to the top." Bo looked towards him, a look of curiosity on her face, "But what more can we want then our own starport?" Flipper turned around again, and this time the greedy smile had dissolved into a sneer... "You just watch Bo. I'll get you everything... Everything!!" To:SURPRISE! YOU'RE DEAD! From:FERAL FERRET Date:It;s the 8th of May. If the 7th were #1, then it wouldn't be the 7th. The sun slowly set behind a mountain range, tinting the sky a myriad array of oranges and purples. It was a beautiful sight. In a green, grassy, mountain valley, Steiner and Sequoia sat around a small campfire. Sequoia was munching morosely on beef jerky, while Steiner stared into the fire, in something approaching catatonia. The sunset scene was completely wasted on both of them. "Got any water?" asked Sequoia, chewing relentlessly on a particularily salty and hard chunk. Steiner didn't move. "Hey, RICK!" she yelled. "Unh!" cried Steiner, coming to with a start. "Here," he muttered, thrusting a canteen at her. "I gotta walk." Away from the fire, the nastiness of the mountain air began setting in. He burrowed deeper into his jacket and set out at random, just looking to clear his thoughts. He felt troubled by something, but couldn't put his finger quite on what it was. Off in the distance, he heard the death cries of a large animal. Now wary of predators, he began tracking what, most curiously, appeared to be alligator tracks. Cresting a long hill, he came upon a natural indentation on the ground, perhaps twelve feet around, which served as a very effective ampitheatre. The sun had completely set at this point, and he found himself completely in the dark, with the trees rustling slightly in the wind. Something, somehow, seemed to raise his figurative hackles, and he hastily spun around when he heard the snapping of twigs on the ground. To:LET'S SEE... From:PHANTOM Date:It's the 17th!! Flipper's back!!! Hmmm... One last free NES day! The cracklig of branches announcing someone's arrival to Steiner was quickly drowned out by the sound of malicious, mocking laughter, and in the blink of an eye a figure ran over the crest of the hill, waving his arms around wildly and somehow directing jets of flame in many different directions. The figure tore over the hill and ran right up to Steiner, sticking his face right in front of Steiner's.... "Hi! My name's Pee Wee Pinrut, and you know what I want little boy? A nice fresh banana you say? Well, yes, that would be nice, but no, I want something more than that!! C'mon little man, guess..." Steiner, more confused now than ever, could do little more than stammer uncomprehensibly, "Ummm...Uhhh.... I dunno... a bath?" The human squinted at Steiner, and Steiner could swear that the temperature actually rose a couple of degrees when he did. "No, you silly twit!! I WANT POWER!!! I want to be able to rule worlds!! I want to be able to manipulate people!! I want people to clean the lint off of my toes with their tongue!!!! And you sir, cannot help me, so buzz off!!!!" Laughing wildly again, Pee Wee Pinrut took off again, only to stop short and turn around with a serious expression on his face. He slowly walked back to stare at Steiner with a look of serious concentration. Slowly he extended his hand, and, with Steiner's eyes watching, lifted it to Steiner's cheek and tweeked it. "Gootchy-gootchy-goo!!!!" Pee Wee Pinrut smiled widely and took off again, doing cartwheels and somersaults as he went towards the vast hulk of the shuttle. To:COLD HANDS From:FERAL FERRET Date:It's the 17th!! Flipper's back!!! Hmmm... One last free NES day! "This isn't funny, dammit!" yelled Steiner at the departing form, but it was to no avail. Cackling demonically, Pee Wee ran off into the distance. Steiner felt the night settle heavily upon him again, as the sounds of the forest were beginning to make themselves overheard. There were gentle rustlings off in the distance, gradually approaching, and feeling somewhat xenophobic, Steiner started off at a fairly fast jog. Blessed, to his good fortune, with a good sense of direction, Steiner was able to find his way back to the camp and only collide with three goddam pricker bushes in the process. Wincing and pulling cockleburrs from his crotch, he plopped himself back at his spot, across the fire from Sequoia. "Rick?" she asked, looking at him with concern. "Yah?" he replied, rustling about for something faintly more edible than cured squirrel. "What happened to your face?" she asked. "Whaddaya mean?" She looked at him with concern, playing a flashlight on his tweaked cheek. "You've been badly burned," she hissed, heading back to her pack. He raised a finger to his cheek, and it felt tender. His cheek began to itch madly, and he sat on his hand to prevent himself from scratching. "Great," he grumbled, as Sequoia returned with a barrage of salves and gauze pads and packed the side of his head thicker than a stuffed hamster's cheek-pouch. "Who did that?" she asked, grave concern etched across her face. "Pee Wee" he muttered, rather embarrassed. "Herman?" She cocked an eyebrow in a very pretty fashion, it seemed to Steiner. "pinrut" he muttered at the ground. "Pinrut?" she asked. "Yeah," he replied. "Saaaaaay," he said, his eyes lightiny up oddly. To:MIND FLAY From:FERAL FERRET Date:It's the 17th!! Flipper's back!!! Hmmm... One last free NES day! "That doesn't explain anything!" she mused, perhaps a little too loudly. "I thought Pinrut was a mechanical turnip!" "Yah, so did I," he grumbled. "Maybe Pee Wee is Pinrut's evil twin or something. Jungian psychology, you know." "I didn't know you studied psychology!" she cooed, suddenly more impressed with the man. "Let's keep it our secret, okay?" he growled. A long pause ensued. Small scurrying sounds were heard, mostly off in the distance. An owl hooted with delight as it caught a mouse. A wolf howled at the moon. An eerie laugh floated over the hills, slowly receding.. "Could that be..." Sequoia left the question unanswered. "Yup. We need a plan to deal with it," he replied. Another silence. A fox trotted off and stared at the fire, the light reflecting in its eyes like great, glassine marbles. An ocelot jumped up into a tree and ate the owl, mewing with delight as it did so. "... now we scream! Aaaaaaaaaah!" wafted from an indeterminate direction. "So why don't we just kill him?" asked Sequoia, her eyes large in the firelight. "What if it doesn't work?" he replied. "We gotta find Pinrut first, ask him all about Pee Wee, y'know?" He stroked his chin and wound up petting the big ball of bandages that swathed one side of his face. Another silence. The branch the ocelot was on broke, and it fell ontop of a humanoid. "Why, hello, mis..." echoed softly about, and suddenly, a shrill shriek of feline agony. "Is that gonna keep up all night?" asked Sequoia in agitation? "That's getting irritating?" She paused for thought. "Say, where is Flipper now, anyway? Did he make it off the base okay?" To:HMM... THIS MAY WORK AFTER ALL... From:FLIPPER Date:It's the 17th!! Flipper's back!!! Hmmm... One last free NES day! Flipper looked idly out the window at the spaceport. He reached down to scratch himself, then out of idle boredom, cracked the whip three times. Three almost, but not quite, nude women appeared behind him, but he didn't turn to look at them. Something had been bothering him since he woke up, enough that he felt it required to shoo the twelve women he had picked to sleep with out of his quarters. He wasn't able to quite pin it down, but it was starting to annoy him. "God DAMN!" yelled Flipper suddenly, cracking the whip again. There seemed to be something in the back of his mind which wasn't letting him get on with his work... To:I AM HAPPY. I AM PEE-WEE. From:PHANTOM Date:Ha HA!!! It is now the 19th of May!!! "Let them eat cake." Pee Wee Pinrut stood before the remains of his wrecked shuttle, cackling silently as pictures of little kids hanging upside down suspended by the skin of their feet circled in his twisted little mind. Pinrut began shooting out spurts of fire, using it to weld the torn portions of the shuttle together, pausing only to delight in the startled 'Meep's' of passing birds as he roasted them with various behind the back and over the shoulder jets of flame he shot in their direction. Finally, after minutes of excrutiating work, during which he swore he almost broke into a sweat, the shuttle was restored to it's original working brilliance. Even better, now it had fancy racing stripes and where it was once a "Acme Shuttle 2000", it was now an "Acme Shuttle 2000 Turbo", although the turbo part was only written in in crayon, but it was legit. Cackling once again in that evil way that only mechanical turnips who were now human could, Pee Wee entered the shuttle and started all the systems up, and then, whooping with joy, he burst into the skies, trailing jets of flame behind him, as a reminder of the power he held over all of humanity. Now that he was off the desolate planet, it was up to him to start gathering his power around him so that he would be able to start ruling over the universe. Thinking carefully, Pinrut plotted in a course for a nearby solar system. On one of the planets was the first of several artifacts that would be enhance his powers even more, and give him the advantage he needed. The craft slowly turned towards the nearby star system, and the engines kicked in, sending it towards Pee Wee's first step to universal domination... Sending Pee Wee Pinrut on a quest for the notorious "Pillow of Much Pain and Hurt Causation"... To:A WHISTLE IN THE DISTANCE From:FERAL FERRET Date:It's already the 21st, donchew know. Chocolate cake, please. A loud, roaring sound emanated in the distance. Many animals stirred noisily, their sleep interrupted by the sound. Steiner and Sequoia both turned to see a small metallic object float skyward on a huge pillar of flame. "Well, somebody else has figured out how to get offa here," he muttered, booting another stick into the fire. "Got any swift ideas, then?" she asked, stretching for a moment. "Well, this planet is pretty dead, technology-wise. We've got to figure out a way to get that shuttle fixed." "We don't even know how it got damaged!" she shrieked, visibly upset. "We fix it the same way it got damaged: Plot devices." "What?" "Shhh!" he chastised. "We don't want the authors to hear." "What are you going to do?" "We'll find an author, kidnap him, and make him fix the shuttle and maybe, just maybe, give us some answers." "You're nuts," she told him, a small admiring smile on her face, "but I like it." "Good," he muttered. "Go back to sleep. We leave in the morning." To:HOW DO YOU ACCEPT THIS FATE? From:FERAL FERRET Date:The things you trust aren't the same: May the 22nd. That's today. They slept soundly, and in the morning, woke up gently to the sound of gently chirping birds. The fire had burned itself out, but it was a warm, sunny morning. The sun was rising over the nearby hill, burning off the mist and dew as it climbed into the sky. "Shall we be off?" asked Steiner, quickly bundling his possessions into his pack. He suddenly marveled at the fact that he'd been able to speak and act lucidly for a long time, and wondered just what had happened. Meanwhile, Flipper still sat, stroking his chin repeatedly, mulling over his new personality changes. Before he could say or do anything, the plot was wrested back to the two in the grassy valley. --- As they walked along, they began noticing charred marks in the ground. The holes weren't arranged in any logical order, but did seem to radiate out from a line, as if something was running a locus and spewing flame in all directions. "Pee Wee?" asked Sequoia. Steiner felt his cheek itch. "Gotta be," he grumbled. They came upon the corpse of a vivisected ocelot, owl-feathers still hanging from its mouth. Sequoia gritted her teeth together, and felt about for her knives. As they followed the tracks, they sighted many tiny charred lumps, with the occasional unburnt feather. "What a bastard!" she declared, glaring all about, as if he might spring up at any minute. The path ended at a huge, charred hole in the ground. "Shuttle scorches," Steiner noted, scanning the crater. "Turbo shuttle, no less," he mused. "How'd he pull it off?" He shrugged a deep shrug, and kept on walking. Sequoia looked around one last time at the avian graveyard and dashed madly after him, her frame pack bobbing along on her back. To:ONE WORLD From:FERAL FERRET Date:The things you trust aren't the same: May the 22nd. That's today. After about eight hours of walking, the sun began its long trek downwards. Animals were out in full force. There were many rabbits, chipmunks and deer running about, forming, oddly enough, a walkway for the two humans to walk through. It was almost as if they came to see royalty. In nearby ponds, beavers waded up to the shore, and otters swam along, keeping pace. Birds landed on overhead trees, chirping friendly bird-songs, and even a fox trotted along beside them. All of nature seemed, that day, to be in perfect harmony. "This is just a little disconcerting, don't you think?" she grumbled, looking about herself nervously. Rabbits and deer and chimpunks all smiled back, looking very cute and innocent and benign. "Let's just get this over with, okay?" she muttered, scuffing a twig along the ground with a boot. Over the next hill was a small shack, with odd clicking noises emanating from it. There were no animals nearby, in fact, even despite the fact that the shack appeared, on the surface, to be quite friendly, there was an odd feeling about it... something mysterious and unexplainable by mere mortal minds. "The author?" she gasped. "Yes," replied Steiner. "I really need you for this," he said, his face visibly paling. To:RUN IT THROUGH, DISCHARGE. From:FERAL FERRET Date:The things you trust aren't the same: May the 22nd. That's today. He sat there, typing up his latest novel. In it, a lonely woman discovers the mysterious secret about the man she'd always loved, and... A dagger burying itself in the wall, passing not three millimetres from his head, broke his train of thought. He spun around to see where the attack was coming from, and ducked instinctively as a hail of flying steel whooshed through an open window. The wall behind him sounded like a drum, as the daggers buried themselves in a stacatto burst. The front door burst open, just as he scrabbled for more cover. A huge, burly man, wielding a viciously large knife came crashing through, glared about, spotted him, and lunged forward, moving with a surprising grace and smoothness for a man so large. As his eyes opened even wider in shock, a slight female form came tumbling through the open window, landed neatly on her feet, and quicker than a quick thing, readied another pair of knives. "Don't move," grated the large man. "These will hurt." "Wha, wha dooya want?" sputtered the author, quaking nervously. "We want you to write us a little story," sneered the woman, circling about to get a clearer shot. "Please cooperate," muttered the man, "or we'll appeal to the editor." At the sound of the dreaded Editor, the author decided to obey. "Whatever you want," stammered the author, standing up to get to his typewriter. "I just need your names." "This is Sequoia," introduced the large man, pointing at the woman, "and I am Richard Steiner." "Canada's Most Wanted?" asked the author, his eyes widening behind the glasses. "Yup," replied Steiner, smirking for the first time in years. "Free advertising." =================================================== harmlesslion.com - Not for Commercial Use